Thursday, May 2, 2013

A strange morning.

Hello, I have had quite a strange day so far, and it isn't even 1pm yet! I'm EXTREMELY stressed at the moment, as I have a physics final tomorrow, SAT on Saturday, and the Calculus AP test on Wednesday. Funnnnn. So my entire life right now is hauling around books, studying every spare moment, stressing out, stressing out some more, and not sleeping because I'm too stressed. I just have to make it through the next 6 days, and I'm done. Exactly 6 days from this moment I'll be just getting out of my calculus AP, and will be able to breathe a sigh of relief, but until then it's time for relentless studying, my books are like an attachment to my arm.

So anyways, this morning after having terrible sleep last night, I woke up feeling truly awful. I didn't want to go to school, but I knew it would be for the best if I just went and sat my few hours of classes. So I got up, got ready to go, I was already running quite late and knew I wouldn't make it to my first class on time. When I finally got to school a few minutes after the first class started, I decided, I still felt awful and wasn't up to class at that moment, and I should really just go talk to Darin, my counsellor/therapist person at school. I went into her office and to my alarm the guy who sexually harrassed me last year was sitting there. I told Darin I wanted to talk to her, she had a few people to talk to before me and I could either wait there or go to class. I wanted to just wait, not feeling up to class, but then I looked around and the ONLY empty seats were on either side of the guy. I was already on edge about just being in the room with him (he is in that class we were both missing also, to make it an even BETTER situation, we would see eachother either way, it's like there's no escaping him). There was no fucking way I was going to sit next to him, NOT an option. I considered just standing there awkwardly when there were clearly seats there, and did for a few minutes, but then I just couldn't stand the situation and told the secretary that I was just going to go to class after all. And it was so awkward since he knew exactly what was going on as well, and just UGH no no no no no. I got the pass from the secretary and left the room, and then went to my locker to pick up my books for Japanese class, and when walking through the hallways I just went into full panic attack. It was afwul. I started running on the way to my locker because I couldn't stand everything, I needed to get out, get somewhere, run run run, get away from myself. And when I finally got to my locker I sat down in the hallway leaning against my locker (or more like curled up on the floor) and tried to deal with all the panic the best I could, I was breathing really fast and trying not to start sobbing right there. I sat there in the hallway for about 10-15 minutes while I was supposed to be in class, during which an English class from my grade walked past me, SUPER awkward because so many people I know were in that class and saw me like that. Finally after the panic subsided for the most part, I went back to the office and said I wouldn't be going to the class after all. Thankfully the guy was in his appointment by then, and I had to wait about 45 mins until I could see Darin.

I was looking forward to talking to her and getting out all the stuff on my crazy mind. But when I went in there, I talked a bit and then she basically talked for the WHOLE rest of the time, I could hardly fit a word in on my part, and that pissed me off a ton. I didn't even end up talking about my panic attack just an hour before or anything, what the hell! Talking to her did absolutely NOTHING at all to help, if anything it made me feel even worse because I don't really have the connection with her I used to, she annoys me now because of things like this and I don't think she ever helps much anymore when I see her (very seldom at the moment). And before I always felt like there was this person I could go talk to if I needed, now there's not. Then it was the half hour study period which sucked as well. I was still full of anxiety, and looked forward to seeing my friends because they're always so helpful but today I was just being so annoyed by them. And they didn't even really listen to me when I was trying to talk. I left multiple times, once to see my english teacher about some extra assignments, and a couple times just to see if I could find anyone else to hang out with/talk to that wasn't annoying, but of course I don't have any other friends, my other one is at her eating disorder treatment program every other day so she wasn't at school today. So I just ended up going back to them. And meanwhile, anxiety was rising up and up once again, just like in the morning, I was just holding myself back from another panic attack the entire time. And I had this huge anger well up in me also, I saw the guy again walking across the school and I had a really strong urge to go and start hitting him with my books and swearing and telling him everything I think of him and how much he screwed me up. I wanted to hurt him, badly. Hurt him like he hurt me. I usually do get really upset/anxious/mad when I see him, but not like this. I resisted though and didn't do anything.

And I couldn't talk to my friends about any of this because they were being annoyingly self-absorbed and not really caring about me much.

So overall it was an awful morning. Calculus class calmed me down a lot. We spend the end of the period doing fast oral practice, where the teacher was basically saying problems out loud one after the other and we had to write them down and solve them as we went. It was super intense and exhausting, actually like a workout for the brain, like the same feeling mentally as it would be physically running a 1 mile race or something. That was really nice just getting in the zone, not having room to think about ANY anxiety or anything else besides just maths. And since that my day has been more normal, I had lunch with my friends and helped them study for their English test and now I'm stopping in the library to type this before I go to get the rest of my lunch from a bagel shop in town since we were out of bread this morning, and then I'm back to school to meet up with my friends after their class and we'll probably study together this afternoon. Maybe I'll be able to talk to them more about my day then. Get it out somehow. Because I'm still not quite right.


  1. I'm so sorry you had such a stressful morning. I hope it gets better and you can talk to your friends about it. Xx

    1. Thank you, I'm doing a lot better now, I did talk to my friends and had some time to relax in town. I'm a lot more calm and under control now :) How are you doing?