Monday, April 8, 2013

Still need to watch myself.

Hi everyone, I know, I never post anymore. I really wish I had more motivation to keep up blogging. But at least I still update every now and then (if anybody even cares?) and I still try my hardest to keep up with all your blogs and comment :)

Things with me have been extremely up and down (okay, more down than up). There's a ton of stress in my life right now, with AP tests and the SAT coming up (both really big important tests here in America) and applications for university coming up in 4-5 months from now.. WHAT? Only 6 more weeks of school for me, and a tough 6 weeks, NEED to get my grades up higher than they are right now, I've let my emotions and mental issues affect my grades quite a bit, and that is not okay with me. Okay, my grades are still pretty good, but compared to my usual standards.. well I could be doing SO much better right now, and my parents aren't all too pleased with me right now. I've actually been having quite a few conflicts with my parents.

About the title of the post.. well, I thought I was doing so perfectly well. 100% recovered. But I've realised the past few weeks, I'm still not 100%, and I very well may never be. There will always be the possibility I'll be triggered, or I'll start doing ED behaviours without even noticing it. And the past few weeks, I will admit, anorexic thoughts have been slipping into my mind every so often. And I guess I just have to watch myself and make sure I don't slip up. That I don't cave in. I'm so disappointed in myself to be saying this. I thought I was doing SO well, that I was SO perfectly recovered, that I was an 'inspiration' to people. But I'm not entirely recovered, and I have to realise that I'll always have to be careful.

It probably has a lot to do with the fact that I've just started exercising again for the first time in practically a year. My body and mind are finally strong enough to handle exercise, and wow does it feel good, it's an amazing release of stress and endorphins. I love it. But I think I started to overdo it a bit. And then ed thoughts started coming in. Because I'm already so stressed and feel completely out of control, I've started thinking again, I should push myself just this bit further, make my body shape nicer after all this recovery weight-gain (except that I look perfectly fine). And completely unintentionally I've cut back on my intake some. I don't eat as much at lunch now, I've been throwing out parts of my lunch on occasion, I've totally lost my appetite at times (not all the time, only sometimes). I've had moments of obsessive training in my room (sit-ups, stretches, etc). And then there's been moments, just slight moments, where I want to go back to everything I was before- refusing to eat, on the brink of hospitalization, stick-thin and fragile. But no, that is NOT what I want. I want to be healthy, free of anorexia and all the other crap that comes with it, and for the most part I am. I guess I'm just hitting a bit of a rough patch.

In other news-- I'll be going to the Imagine Dragons concert in San Francisco on May 31 with my friends :D I am beyond excited, it will be so incredible. And we'll probably be taking the train up to the city which will be even more fun :)

Well that's it for tonight, I should be getting back to my AP Calculus practice problems.. but I'll try to post again soon :)

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