Monday, April 22, 2013

Not doing well.

Sorry for not posting very much again, I feel like this is how I start most posts nowadays? Things aren't really going great right now. I don't feel like getting into details at the moment because I'm exhausted and am on my way to bed, but basically I've been extremely down and had super high anxiety levels (which you would probably know if you follow my instagram or tumblr, actually had panic attacks on this friday two days ago and the one before that.) I've been detaching emotionally again and dissociating quite a lot, and cutting myself off from everything/everyone to some extent. I actually cut last friday when I had the panic attack. Ana's voices have begun to trick their way back into my mind once again, and I'm trying my hardest not to relapse and listen to them, and succeeding for the most part, but it's still so hard to resist sometimes. I can't relapse. I can't relapse. I can't relapse. I can't relapse. I can't relapse. I can't relapse. I can't relapse.

Meanwhile, I've reduced doctor visits to every 6 weeks and therapy to every 2 weeks. I'm lying to everybody (or all the therapists/doctors/my parents a lot of the time) that I'm doing great and they have no reason to be worried. At least I'm mostly honest with my friends, except that they all have a lot on their plates and are stressed enough, often tell me about how hard things are going for them right now. I don't quite need to add to their stress, but I still open up to them. There's been a lot of stress and some tension between my friends as well, which I'm often pulled in the middle of. School is insane at the moment, and all of my friends will be graduating in 6 weeks and going off to universities far from here, while I remain for my last year of high school with nobody left that I actually like or can open up to.

I'll try to write more soon. Sorry for being so depressive.

1 comment:

  1. You're not depressive! Everybody had these times. I'm sorry that things are getting difficult again, but it also doesn't help if you tell everyone that you're doing great when you're not. If anything, be honest with someone. Your parents, the therapist, the doctor. Tell them that right now you're struggling and they will give you support. I don't want to see you relapse either, but I know you're strong enough not to! I believe in you.
    I'm here to help in any way I can, love. I love reading your posts. Xx