Tuesday, April 23, 2013


So I had a bit of a breakthrough today. I've always told myself and everyone else, 'I love running! It's my favourite exercise! It feels so amazing!'. Today I went running for the first time in a year now that I'm fully approved for exercise by my doctors, and I finally realised.. I actually HATE running. And that is OKAY. I always thought I had to love running and push myself to be really good at it, because it's so 'healthy'. But it is by far not the only way to get healthy exercise, there are so many other things that I do that are 'exercise' but I really just think of as fun and relaxing, like biking or ice skating. I don't have to force myself to run. I hate running, and that is 100% okay! Time to put my running shoes away again, maybe for good ;)

(Copied this post and photo exactly from my Instagram just FYI)

Monday, April 22, 2013

Not doing well.

Sorry for not posting very much again, I feel like this is how I start most posts nowadays? Things aren't really going great right now. I don't feel like getting into details at the moment because I'm exhausted and am on my way to bed, but basically I've been extremely down and had super high anxiety levels (which you would probably know if you follow my instagram or tumblr, actually had panic attacks on this friday two days ago and the one before that.) I've been detaching emotionally again and dissociating quite a lot, and cutting myself off from everything/everyone to some extent. I actually cut last friday when I had the panic attack. Ana's voices have begun to trick their way back into my mind once again, and I'm trying my hardest not to relapse and listen to them, and succeeding for the most part, but it's still so hard to resist sometimes. I can't relapse. I can't relapse. I can't relapse. I can't relapse. I can't relapse. I can't relapse. I can't relapse.

Meanwhile, I've reduced doctor visits to every 6 weeks and therapy to every 2 weeks. I'm lying to everybody (or all the therapists/doctors/my parents a lot of the time) that I'm doing great and they have no reason to be worried. At least I'm mostly honest with my friends, except that they all have a lot on their plates and are stressed enough, often tell me about how hard things are going for them right now. I don't quite need to add to their stress, but I still open up to them. There's been a lot of stress and some tension between my friends as well, which I'm often pulled in the middle of. School is insane at the moment, and all of my friends will be graduating in 6 weeks and going off to universities far from here, while I remain for my last year of high school with nobody left that I actually like or can open up to.

I'll try to write more soon. Sorry for being so depressive.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Who reads my blog?

I was just wondering, who reads my blog? My stats say I get maybe 30-60 pageviews everyday (okay, used to be maybe a couple hundred when I would actually post consistently -.-). But anybody who still reads, who are you? I'm just really curious, I want to know who in the world would be interested in reading about my uneventful life?? Comment below, and introduce yourself to me, I would love to get to know more of you :)


Hi! I've just finished with school, and we have our week-long spring break next week :) we still have school tomorrow, but it's my two easiest classes and we probably won't even be doing anything.. especially since it's spirit week and the rally is tomorrow, those days are never productive when everybody's full to the brim with pepp and energy and wearing crazy outfits. (I'm not one of those people.)

Now that I'm done with my Japanese presentation and section 4/4 of my mock AP Calculus exam, I feel like I can finally relax and give myself a break!

I'm sitting in the library now for a boring 1.5 hour while my friends are at their last class of the day, I debated walking home but I would rather just wait here and see them after school and drive home with my friend. I tried to find a fun lesson to go sit in on during this period but nobody has anything interesting for this class -.- it's all physics, calculus, english.. no French or Art classes right now :/

What to do, what to do.. I don't know what to do with myself besides studying lately. I've finished all my work due tomorrow. And I left all my huge study books at home on purpose so I could give myself a break from that, not force myself into overstudying when I have a whole week of no classes when I can study and take as many practice tests as I want. (I sound like a really fun person right now?).

I'm not entirely sure of my plans for tonight, I may go to a town about half an hour away with a friend and spend the afternoon/evening there, he wants to go to this music store so we can try out some pieces to play for a competition coming up. I have a bagpipe rehearsal tonight also, but I'm not sure if I'll go, I don't really feel like it haha :) I really want to go ice skating tonight, every thursday is student discount night, but I probably won't be able to go unless I skip bagpipes and convince a friend to come and drive me there since I doubt my parents would want to take me, heh. Most likely things that will happen tonight is we stay in my town, do homework at starbucks, eat thai food for dinner, and then go to bagpipes as always :) I'll see if I can convince my friend to do something more interesting though since this is what happens practically every day!

Haven't heard from anybody in a while, how are you all doing? (well I guess you haven't heard from me either!). Hope everybody's doing well :)

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Two days in a row of posting? Yay, go me!!

Last night turned out being pretty rough. I posted on my tumblr:

All I’ve been doing today is studying and practice AP’s and homework and more studying and more practice questions and more coursework and beating myself up in my head about how much I suck and mom will you just fucking let me out of the house for 20 minutes to give me a break from my books and the same stale air and dad yelling and swearing and your constant negativity and you and dad fighting and your disapproval of me and our dysfunctional house so I can forget it all for a little while and relax over gelato or coffee with my best friend no okay I’ll just sit here slowly wasting away in my room while you yell at me some more and channel all your emotions into yelling at me at a time when I most definitely need that from you. 

So not such a great night? family having issues as always, me burried in my books and completely stressed out.  to the point where I couldn't really do anything anymore. Then the morning got off to a rocky start, I guess I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed- nothing to wear, completely exhausted, jaw hurting, phone with 6% battery, internet not working when I needed to submit an online assignment, stomach rejecting food, and of course the impending day at school with a Japanese writing assessment and section 3 of 4 for our mock AP Calculus test. But I got through the bad morning, wasn't even late to class, and I got through the school day without much issue. I did quite well on my Japanese writing assesment, I'm actually really proud of how I did, I ended up writing a paragraph for each of the two responses that was about as long as this paragraph, and the language came out really easily, I just kept typing and typing. And I looked over at some others, they had typed maybe a few lines, heheh! Then we had 'bubblefest' for our AP testing, where everybody goes to the auditorium and fills out their answer documents with their name, address, school, etc etc. and bubbles in all the letters for the info.. not sure if you have it the same in other countries? But we do it ahead of time so we save about half an hour of time on the actual test day from filling in our name and all that. Then it was to calculus, the test section we did today actually went pretty well compared to the two we've already done, not to say it wasn't still hard though :S

Now I'm just sitting in the library, waiting for my friend to pick me up to go study at Starbucks together. Tonight I have therapy, usch, I have NOT enjoyed therapy lately. I've felt like it just doesn't help at all and we're wasting so much money on something I don't need. (or I need it, but something that's not doing anything I guess.) But it's important for me to keep going :/ 
Anyways, I hope you're all doing well! :)

Monday, April 8, 2013

Still need to watch myself.

Hi everyone, I know, I never post anymore. I really wish I had more motivation to keep up blogging. But at least I still update every now and then (if anybody even cares?) and I still try my hardest to keep up with all your blogs and comment :)

Things with me have been extremely up and down (okay, more down than up). There's a ton of stress in my life right now, with AP tests and the SAT coming up (both really big important tests here in America) and applications for university coming up in 4-5 months from now.. WHAT? Only 6 more weeks of school for me, and a tough 6 weeks, NEED to get my grades up higher than they are right now, I've let my emotions and mental issues affect my grades quite a bit, and that is not okay with me. Okay, my grades are still pretty good, but compared to my usual standards.. well I could be doing SO much better right now, and my parents aren't all too pleased with me right now. I've actually been having quite a few conflicts with my parents.

About the title of the post.. well, I thought I was doing so perfectly well. 100% recovered. But I've realised the past few weeks, I'm still not 100%, and I very well may never be. There will always be the possibility I'll be triggered, or I'll start doing ED behaviours without even noticing it. And the past few weeks, I will admit, anorexic thoughts have been slipping into my mind every so often. And I guess I just have to watch myself and make sure I don't slip up. That I don't cave in. I'm so disappointed in myself to be saying this. I thought I was doing SO well, that I was SO perfectly recovered, that I was an 'inspiration' to people. But I'm not entirely recovered, and I have to realise that I'll always have to be careful.

It probably has a lot to do with the fact that I've just started exercising again for the first time in practically a year. My body and mind are finally strong enough to handle exercise, and wow does it feel good, it's an amazing release of stress and endorphins. I love it. But I think I started to overdo it a bit. And then ed thoughts started coming in. Because I'm already so stressed and feel completely out of control, I've started thinking again, I should push myself just this bit further, make my body shape nicer after all this recovery weight-gain (except that I look perfectly fine). And completely unintentionally I've cut back on my intake some. I don't eat as much at lunch now, I've been throwing out parts of my lunch on occasion, I've totally lost my appetite at times (not all the time, only sometimes). I've had moments of obsessive training in my room (sit-ups, stretches, etc). And then there's been moments, just slight moments, where I want to go back to everything I was before- refusing to eat, on the brink of hospitalization, stick-thin and fragile. But no, that is NOT what I want. I want to be healthy, free of anorexia and all the other crap that comes with it, and for the most part I am. I guess I'm just hitting a bit of a rough patch.

In other news-- I'll be going to the Imagine Dragons concert in San Francisco on May 31 with my friends :D I am beyond excited, it will be so incredible. And we'll probably be taking the train up to the city which will be even more fun :)

Well that's it for tonight, I should be getting back to my AP Calculus practice problems.. but I'll try to post again soon :)