Thursday, January 31, 2013

Stupid doctors..

Well my doctor's appointment back on tuesday (remember when I said I would post on tuesday night? Yep, never trust when I say something like that, heh!) didn't exactly go as planned. My doctor just keeps annoying me more and more, she's just, ughhhhh. I wish I could just stop seeing her. I hate going to the doctor all the time. And she's always just so suspicious and irritating and ACK I can't wait till the day when I never have to go back to that horrible office again!

So after tuesday's appointment, I was supposed to go a month until my next visit. Which I was SOOO excited about, as you can imagine. But then she talks to me after my tests and such, and she wants me to come back in two fucking weeks. A shorter interval than the 3 weeks since my previous appointment.

Apparently I lost a bit of weight, and I had ketones (some chemical that's made when your body breaks down your tissues to use for energy). When she told me that, I just flat out said no, that's impossible. I'm eating completely regularly. There's NO way I could have lost weight, and especially I shouldn't have ketones. I just don't understand at all how this happened. I've eaten so much recently, I don't even THINK about restricting or eating less ever. If I want extra I take it. I'll have two, maybe even three snacks between lunch and dinner if I'm extra hungry. I take dessert if I'm in the mood and that doesn't bother me one bit. I eat healthy things, but I eat sweets/ice cream/etc. as well and I'm completely fine with it, in fact I enjoy it a lot.

Basically, I don't know WHERE these results came from, and the only explanation I can think is one of those 'random weight fluctuations' that everybody has depending on what they ate that day, how close it is to their period, and just random metabolism quirks. But of course that is just not acceptable to my doctor.

Needless to say, I came out of that appointment in a very bad mood.

Post-appointment face.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Stay above water

As the title of the post is.. lately, i'm just trying to keep my head above water. 

I really haven't been doing well. I've felt absolutely shit the past few days.. (why I haven't been blogging lately.)

My jaw troubles have only been increasing. Right now it's actually affecting my hearing, I think that the muscles are so swelled they're pressing on the eustacian tubes in my ears, making it hard for me to hear. My left ear is terrible, I can actually hardly hear out of it. And my right ear is only a bit effected, I can hear out of it probably 95% of what I usually can, wheras left ear (which is the side where my jaw is tighter) I can hear probably 30-40% or maybe even less of what I can usually hear. I would say my hearing's decreased probably half to two thirds of usual on that side.

So that's completely awful, i've become more accustomed to it today since it's been bad for three days. The first day was terrible, I felt completely cut off from the world because I couldn't hear. Disoriented, dizzy all the time. And of course I'm still getting dizziness, but I'm getting used to the decreased hearing more. Just hoping it can go back to normal soon (of course the anxious crazy me says, oh my gosh what if it won't go back to normal what if I'm losing my hearing etc etc.) At least I'm to see my doctor in about an hour and a half, maybe she'll have something to say about it. Figure out how to make it better, or if I'll just have to wait for my dentist appointment in a couple weeks when I'll probably get a retainer to hold my jaw correctly in a more relaxed position for when I sleep.

That will help a lot, my best friend just got a new retainer for her jaw which has stress problems too, and after only sleeping with it one night she's seen HUGE improvements. Just have to make it until then..

I'm also talking with my psychiatrist today, and I'm crossing my fingers that I'll get a med adjustment. Because I realllllllllly need one. My meds aren't working one bit right now.

Well my mum will be picking me up from the library any moment now, so I should probably log off of the computers now and check out the books I need, heh :P

Crossing my fingers for good appointments this afternoon, I'll post again later about how they went!

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Exhausted and Numb

I'm super tired today.. possibly in part because it took me HOURS to fall asleep last night because of how much my stupid jaw hurt.

It's feeling better today.. or as in, there's not a ton of pain like yesterday. But the muscles are still SUPER swollen and tight, more so than yesterday. And I just want my ice pack to numb it out.. but of course I can't quite do that in a library? haha!

I'm just so tired right now though. And kind of in one of those "fuck it" moods. I'm in a big conflict over whether I should do a bunch of studying now while in the library, or relax and read LOTR/scroll through tumblr instead? But of course, my sensible mind says, I need to do my studying, not let my moods get me behind in school. I'll be far happier with myself if I am studying, and at least just a tiny bit less anxious.

But really just taking a nap sounds like the best thing? Maybe I'll end up doing just that ;)

In other news, it's raining right now! Super happy about that, this winter has just not been winter-ish enough for me. We've had hardly any rain or anything. So that is quite nice, I always love when it rains :)

I'm going to do a photo post in a couple hours, with some photos of where I live and such, where I spend my time. My school, the library, my house, my town. I had the idea and it just sounded kind of fun. So you all can have a little more idea what my life is like? I've just started with taking some pictures for that, so I'll upload that later today (as long as I remember/have time!).

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

TMJ Issues


My jaw has been absolutely killing me today, hence the post's title. I'm icing it as I'm typing this, I've been icing it for probably 3 hours total today. not fun. My jaw hardly opens and the muscles are so sore and swollen and painful. Usch. Only a few weeks till I go to the dentist.. hopefully it won't get worse before then. I was already starting to get a headache and stuffy ears from it today.

Besides that, I've just been feeling really down. School sucks as usual. I'm so stressed. I don't want to do anything, I just want to read LOTR, watch Glee, and do art. And ice my jaw. :/

I had therapy today, but it didn't help at all. I feel like therapy's been really unproductive lately, like I'm just wasting 100 fucking dollars every week when there's so much more use for that money than my stupid therapy that doesn't even work. (okay sorry for that little outburst).


Hope you're all doing better than I am at the moment.

Friday, January 18, 2013

'Interesting' day

Well I sure have had an interesting time today. Definitely not in a good way.

This morning I went to physics class just like any other day. Cram studied for the quiz in the first few minutes of class along with everybody else. The teacher talked over what we would be covering that lesson. And then as she was passing out the quizzes, she set out two scales at the front of the room and said, "When you turn in your quiz, step on the scale and record your weight on the handout you pick up for a lab we are going to do."

I'm sure you can imagine my feeling at that moment.

Complete panic.

I couldn't focus on my quiz at all. I only answered maybe half of the questions. Which the topic we are studying is really easy for me and I would normally go through the quiz in a minute with no problem. But I just sat there staring at my paper, suddenly not having a clue how to solve the problems. Only thinking of the scale I would have to step on as soon as I was finished.

Finally I had done everything I could possibly remember how to do on the quiz, which wasn't much, walked up to the front of the room shaking, and stepped on the scale. I could feel tears pressing behind my eyes as I saw the number, something that I haven't known in almost a year, that I haven't been allowed to know in that time and still am not allowed to see.

Not able to hold myself together anymore, I asked the teacher if I could use the restroom and ran from my class to the office in tears where I found Darin to talk to. I told her what had happened, got a slip to leave class from the office, went back to get my stuff from my classroom, and left back to the office.

I talked to Darin for a while and that helped a lot. After that I also talked to my mum on the phone, and she's very concerned of course and has been texting me a lot throughout the day (which is getting a little annoying at this point). And I did NOT go back to physics. I'm not going to be doing that lab, whatever it was, and also I'm going to get to retake the quiz hopefully.

I'm still not sure how I feel about all of this. First I was just so shocked at finding out my weight, because it was so unexpected. I kind of thought I would just never know my weight anymore, for the rest of my life, of course that's a completely unrealistic expectation. But I definitely didn't expect that to happen today.

I am really upset about it. Seeing such a high weight. A 'healthy weight'. I won't mention any numbers in case it would be triggering for anybody. And it's really not even a high weight, it's completely normal. But it's so much higher, compared to what I'm used to being.

It's not having as much an effect on me as it would have a while ago though. I don't want to change my lifestyle, I don't want to restrict. I don't want to go back to anorexia because life with an eating disorder is hell. So I suppose it's not having an effect on me as in, I want to do something about the weight. But it's still making my mind go spinning around in so many circles. I know that it doesn't define me, that there are so many more important things about me than this insignificant number. That it doesn't really mean anything, it's just measuring gravity's power on me.

But still, there's just something in my mind tweaked the wrong direction when I think about that number.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Mountain Adventures, LOTR, and Other Things

Hello! It's been a couple days since I've posted? (or has it , I don't actually remember.? haha! I think it has been!).

First off, yesterday at my therapist appointment we talked a lot about agoraphobia. And I pretty much have it confirmed with two therapists that I have it. So that is a big relief to figure something like that out, to know that I'm not crazy. There's other people like me. And I can get better! We're starting to figure out a plan of what my worst symptoms are, and how I'm going to eventually learn to deal with them and not let it bother me. Sounds very not-fun overall.. not necessarily even too anxiety-provoking, but really just dry and boring??? Haha! I say that now.. but maybe I'll bite my tongue on that one later ;) It still just kind of feels like I can never get over it though. Because it's something I've had for basically my entire life. But it sounds so amazing to be free from agoraphobia.. like my life would be so open and so much easier.

Anyways, Enough of that!

The Orchard
I had a very fun weekend, I went to my friend's house on Friday after classes (as I wrote about in my post) and we went out to the mountains behind her house and did a lot of exploring, and went to the orchard as usual. And then it got dark before we had started home, so we had a huge adventure trying to get home through a difficult-to-walk-in mountain forest (with no paths, may I add!) in the dark!! We ended up going down the wrong side of the mountain and had to climb up this extremely steep and slippery hill to the road, where we had to walk for quite a while to get back to her gate, after which of course we had to walk up the steep road to her house. And we had a dog with us.. but thankfully we had rope (smart adventurers as we are!), which we used to make a leash while we were walking on the road, since cars were whizzing by only a couple feet from us (there was hardly a margin at the side of the road!!). And we put the flashes on our iPhones sticking out of our pockets so cars would see us coming (very smart of us we thought! Because of course we bring two types of rope probably over 300 feet in all, but don't think to bring a flashlight -.-).

Sunset while walking home.

Then we had tea and dinner and sat around her house relaxing, exhausted after the super-fun day. We spent a while just sitting and talking, having a nice time relating to each other and such, having serious talks about our anxieties and depression and moods etc. Some tears were shed, but they were much needed tears, and it was a very nice night overall. I ended up sleeping there, and the next day went pretty much the same way! We woke up, had breakfast, made 3 different types of coffee to get all pepp on caffeine. yum yum yum, I'm starting to think I may be getting addicted to coffee???? We did art for a while, and then we set out to the mountains again, adventured for a long time and had a nice day (with less mishaps as the day before!). And then we went back to the house, hung out for a while and ate a bunch, and my mum eventually picked me up.

So that was basically how my very nice weekend went! I have lots of pictures to post, but I'm at the library right now so I can't do that. I have a couple I can get from my instagram web profile which I put above, but I have many many more that aren't on insta :)

Besides all that, I have a serious Lord of the Rings obsession going on right now!! My friend (who I hung out with this weekend) got me hooked on it, and what can I say, I am just plain ADDICTED.

So I'll leave you all with a lovely picture of Legolas, the most absolutely beautiful being ever, who I am absolutely in love with. My friend and I did our hair like him today <3 we're also making hobbit cloaks and all of these other things.. And we've made a few batches of Lembas Bread, the most delicious thing ever!!

How can you not love him <3<3<3

Friday, January 11, 2013

Just another day

Hello everybody. Today has just been another day just like all the others.. nothing special.

I talked to my mum last night about agoraphobia, we ended up having an almost two hour conversation, and I talked to my counsellor at school this morning. Both of them see those qualities in me when I explained it.

I really have a LOT more anxiety than anybody really knows I think, I'm just so used to it being there though that I don't even realise it. It's just how I am. And maybe it is part of this agoraphobia, maybe I can get better from it. I can say today (and believe me I hardly EVER say this) I am actually looking forward to therapy next week a LOT so that I can talk with my therapist about this, and figure out how to start getting better from it. Because it would just be amazing not to constantly feel like this.

It doesn't necessarily impede my life much.. or well I suppose it does, but not to an extreme level like some who end up never leaving their house and such. But I have had it for so long without even knowing that it existed that I have just kind of learned to work my way around it, to live my life even if I'm filled to the top with anxiety at every moment. But now, even just today, I've been able to figure out some of the sources of my anxiety throughout the day. Which is so nice just to know something like that, to know you're not insane and different from everybody else in the world.

Classes were fine, just the usual, getting onto really hard calculus topics right now -.- I feel like I should be studying right now in the library instead of sitting here blogging, I feel so un-productive. But I've been SOO on top of my work this week, spending my entire time in the library doing all my schoolwork and working a lot every night. Been super focused, trying to calm down my anxiety by making sure I didn't have a spare thing I hadn't completed or studied, yet it was still there anyways of course, stressing me out so much even when I had absolutely nothing more I could do. So I suppose it's okay if I take a break during my library time today..? I don't know, my mind still says that's not okay..

My plans for the rest of the day, is going to the Japanese market when my friends get out of class and then we're going to my friend's house, our plan is to spend the afternoon exploring around the mountains behind her house (the area is SUPER awesome, i'll post pictures later! It's really like wilderness, we've had to crawl under bushes and go across logs sometimes, today we're planning on taking a rope with us so we can tie it to trees to help us get down and up some hills we've wanted to explore.) And when we're done we're going back to her extremely nice house to have a Lord of the Rings marathon, complete with baking Lembas bread to have with coffee and tea while we watch! It will be really fun, and then we're going to see The Hobbit either tonight depending on what time we finish the LOTR movies, which will take quite a while because they're so long, so we probably won't have time tonight unless we feel like going super late. So I'll probably end up sleeping there and then we'll see The Hobbit on Saturday.

I hope you're all doing well, I'll post again sometime later, probably not till tomorrow though seeing as I have quite a busy day ahead :) 

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Improved Self-Image

One of the really strange but best things of recovery is when you begin to get a positive opinion about yourself once again. It's the strongest idea in your mind when you have an eating disorder that you are a horrible person, ugly, failure, all of those negative words that constantly bombard us. That propel our eating disorder forward in an effort to improve ourselves.

So after years of that talk in your mind, well, it's one of the absolute strangest things the first times you start to look in the mirror and actually think "I look good." I mean it's already weird when the negative voices start to go away and you look in the mirror without the immediate thought being "I'm so ugly," instead thinking, okay whatever i'm nothing special but I don't look horrible.

But when you look into the mirror and actually think sometimes, "I look good, I like my hair, I like my face. My body is okay." It's one of the strangest feelings, after the exact opposite pervading your mind for years.

And it feels good to have a good opinion of yourself for once, after you get used to the strangeness of it.

^^Including yourself!!^^


Last night I came across some information about Agoraphobia, which I had never heard about before. I actually came across it on somebody's blog on Tumblr who struggles with it, and as I was reading her posts, it actually sounded exactly like some of the things I experience. So I did some research on it, and the more I read about it actually the more it sounds just like me? Here's something from the NIH website about it:


Panic disorder with agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder in which a person has attacks of intense fear and anxiety. There is also a fear of being in places where it is hard to escape, or where help might not be available.
Agoraphobia usually involves fear of crowds, bridges, or of being outside alone.


Panic attacks involve short periods of intense anxiety symptoms, which peak within 10 minutes. Panic attack symptoms can include:
  • Chest pain or discomfort
  • Choking
  • Dizziness or faintness
  • Fear of being out of control
  • Fear of dying
  • Fear of "going crazy"
  • Hot flashes or chills
  • Nausea or other stomach distress
  • Numbness or tingling
  • Racing heart
  • Shortness of breath
  • Sweating
  • Trembling
With agoraphobia, you avoid places or situations because you do not feel safe in public places. The fear is worse when the place is crowded.
Symptoms of agoraphobia include:
  • Being afraid of spending time alone
  • Being afraid of places where escape might be hard
  • Being afraid of losing control in a public place
  • Depending on others
  • Feeling detached or separated from others
  • Feeling helpless
  • Feeling that the body is not real
  • Feeling that the environment is not real
  • Having an unusual temper or agitation
  • Staying in the house for long periods of time

 Also another really good list of symptoms at  which I won't copy into here as well so I don't make it too long of a post. But if you're interested I suppose you could read it, I don't know if anyone actually would want to though??

So basically when I read those lists, I was like, wow somebody put it into writing. So many of the things I feel so often. I always just thought I was crazy, or different from everybody. But this might be an explanation??

I think I may have this. Because I seriously experience every single one of the symptoms on each list, and it effects me a lot in my life, some of these things.

I'm definitely going to talk to my therapist about this next week, and also I think I'll bring it up with my mum tonight just so I can talk to someone about it, not feel so alone. Because after reading a lot about it, I'm about 99% sure that I have agoraphobia.

It's kind of a relief when you figure out something like this, that you're not just crazy but it's actually a real issue you experience that other people have as well. Having an explanation for why you feel a certain way, having it put into words. And it makes it seem like, wow maybe this is something I can fix, I'm not just hopelessly different from everybody.

Ready to explode

Today I have felt like there's a really tight spring coiled inside me, and it just keeps getting tighter and tighter, until it will explode, just waiting to release all of it's (bad) energy. It's anxiety and stress feeling, the tightness building.. but not really like my usual shaky/head-spinning kind of anxiety. Kind of.. eerily calm, my mind is so quiet and my body is so relaxed, but something inside my mind waiting to break, spring out of control?

I don't know, it's hard to explain in writing.. I could explain it out loud talking to my friend who also has anxiety, she could understand what I meant, but I don't know it just sounds REALLY strange in writing, maybe you understand the feeling I'm trying to explain? haha! (maybe my current metaphor has something to do with that we're learning about springs and elasticity energy in physics right now?? hahaha!).

Monday, January 7, 2013


Today was my first day back at school after winter vacation.. and I can't say I enjoyed it.

I'm kind of opposite from a lot of people, the part about school I enjoy and go for is the learning/studying, while most people hate that and love seeing their friends and such. But I always just feel so terrible in school, surrounded by so many people, not really feeling like I fit in at all, the antisocial awkward person I am. I love spending time with my friends.. but just not at school? I don't know. I just hate school, I have for a long time now, I don't really know how to describe it.

It never fails to make me an anxious depressed tired mess of a person.

I've actually seriously thought about not going to school, switching into the 'middle college' program we have where instead of going to high school you take classes at the local community college. A lot more freedom in class choices and schedule, and not the whole "high-school atmosphere" to deal with. But I don't know.. usch. It's only the first day of the semester though, so maybe it could get better? It isn't usually any better though. :/

I guess I'll talk to my mum tonight about how tough of a time I have enjoying school, and my therapist tomorrow as well. Because I know, high school is tough for everybody, everyone has rough points and it's not the best section of their lives. But the two and a half years I've been at my school, it's been horrible the whole time. I've had mental issue after mental issue. And finally when my anorexia is now under control, anxiety is flaring up and becoming a huge problem for me, and depression, well that's just always been there throughout my time at school.

Most likely is that I'll stay at my school for the last year and a half I have. But it's definitely worth talking about with my parents/therapist, if not about changing my situation at least to try and figure out how I can make it a better experience for myself.

Friday, January 4, 2013

The voices, they've come back, telling me not to eat, that not eating will solve everything. They've been gone for so long. I was strong for so long and I won the battle against them. But they came back this morning. And I can do nothing but hide in a corner of my room filled with the panic I've felt all morning as this war is raging inside my head.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Woke up today feeling completely shit. Huge headache, jaw problems, exhausted, upset. Had awful dreams last night after having to think about a bunch of things in therapy that I do NOT want to think about. And now I have to go to breakfast with my dad.. Usch. I better not have stomach issues today on top of it. But I wouldn't be surprised.

I just want to crawl into bed and not get out until all these problems are gone. But it just doesn't work like that.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Hello hello!

Well it has just been FAR too long since I've written a post hasn't it??

As you all know i'm sure, things just kind of happen and prioritization kicks into place and some things like the blog just kind of get pushed to the back of the mind.. But, I'm back now! And I came back to some very lovely comments, thank you to those who hadn't forgotten me after all that time without posts :')

I'm not too sure the reasons I stopped blogging, I can't even remember the last time I've written (it's really been that long??). But I think towards the end of the semester school became one of my higher priorities and I had less time to blog, especially coming on final exams week, I just got way too busy and stressed out to have time to write posts.

I've also kind of been having a harder time lately than I was when I was still writing posts. Maybe I had been doing so well there, I felt like I kind of couldn't be going backwards again, I had to keep up that positivity? That I was dissapointed in myself when emotionally everything started to go downhill once again.

But it's okay to feel whatever I'm feeling, and I need to let it out instead of holding it in. And I'm getting better at that. Letting people know that I need help sometimes. That everything isn't okay.

Well I can't write any more at the moment, I'm off to therapy now. But I'm back to the blog once again, and I'm here to stay :)

More later!

(Also expect some theme/photo changes the next couple days, I want a fresh start for the new year and all these photos are QUITE old!).