Friday, November 30, 2012

Theme change

I'm thinking about a background change for my blog.. new design? I just feel like a new fresh change right now! What do you think?

Something's wrong

I know something's wrong when I'm thinking to myself, "Maybe I'm beginning to relapse. But not in a bad way." Yeah,'that's not such a good thing to think????? Maybe a sign something's up?? :/

I have to stay strong and not give in. But that's just so hard sometimes, especially when my mind is shouting at me, you're fine! You're recovered! You shouldn't have to keep going to the doctor every other week! (The thing that is probably keeping me from a complete relapse right now, because I absolutely cannot lose weight again when I go next time. And for as long as I have to go for that matter.) The voices shouting in my head, they're all just paranoid, they're wrong, they don't know what they're talking about. They have nothing to be worried about. I'm fine. Recovered and healthy and doing just awesome. That's me.

Usch. I think I'll see my counsellor Darin at school tomorrow because I'm quite stressed out and very upset at the moment. Hopefully that will help. And YAY for tomorrow being Friday, although I have a bit of a full (and potentially triggering?) weekend ahead of me.

Well seeing as I should get some sleep, goodnight/good morning/good afternoon, whichever applies to you :)

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

I haven't disappeared!

Hello everybody!

No, I haven't dropped off the face of the earth or anything, I'm still here :) Seems like I just haven't blogged in ages??

Everything's been going kind of rough lately.. I'm not sure, like I've been more down and depressed than usual. And high-anxiety. But like there's nothing wrong? I don't know what's going on with me. I suppose it's just to keep going through the rough times. Hope that things will start to get better. And manage the best I can until then? (plus my meds were just raised, so maybe that will start to help me soon :)).

Food has been going really well. Except that at my past two doctors appointments the past month (having them every two weeks now), i've had a weight drop :/ But it hasn't been my fault!! A month ago, I was having insanely high anxiety and a lot of reflux issues, so it was hard for me to eat without a ton of heartburn pain and such, so I was eating not as much as I should have, but not in a restricting way. But I got meds for my reflux and it's helped a TON. And then two weeks ago I had a really horrid stomach virus a few days before my appointment, and basically anything I ate would come right back up, even just a sip of water or something. So that was absolutely terrible, and I had nothing to eat or drink during the entire day, and then next day all I could manage was soup and crackers :/ I was absolutely ravenous after that, just wanted food and food and more food. But of course I had lost weight at my appointment a couple days after, even with normal eating when my sickness was over. But my doctor understood both of those of course, however at my appointment next week if I have lost weight again then I'll have to go every week again.. which NO I will NOT have to do!! I am completely determined that I will gain back my lost weight at my next appointment!

What else have I been up to? Well, lots of hanging out with friends. Lots of art! Listening to music. Studying. Just living, as normal of a life as I can!

Also, I've been nominated by the lovely Izzy for the Liebster Blog Award! So I'm going to be writing about that in another post :)

Writing this post i've realized, I miss blogging regularly! I know I always say this, but this time I'm going to try my absolute hardest to stick to blogging daily once again :)

And as I feel like I'm always saying in my posts.. I've been doing a ton on Instagram lately, I totally love it! And they've just started doing these really nice online profiles, so take a look at my instagram on :)

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Waking up early is nice!

Hello! This morning I woke up very early (or compared to usual -.-), not an easy task let me tell you. But i'm even early enough to write a quick post before I have to go have breakfast and such! I'm feeling fine so far this morning.. but just kind of weird and freaked out. Like i've been almost verging on hyper-positive? I don't know, my mood is just so all over the place, I wouldn't be surprise if I'm wanting to od in another half hour or something :/ and also this morning my mind is just kind of going on and on and on.. I just want to be like, "SHUT UP!!!! I JUST WOKE UP!!" But of course you can't quite do that in your mind :) Hoping I have a good day today!

And I'm taking with me a hot chocolate mix to school so that I can make a mocha at study period.. we have coffee in the arts room, I tasted coffee for the first time last week but it was black and it was the absolutely most horrid thing I've ever had!!!!!! But last night I tasted my friend's mocha at starbucks and it was delicious, so i'm going to try making one today, and all the sugar/caffiene will pep me a bit for my tiring classes ;)

Anyways, how are you all doing? Seems like I've kind of been away from the blog world for a while! I've been reading other's blogs still, but not having the time/energy to leave comments or really totally concentrate or anything, more just kind of skimming. So let me know how you're doing, you're all awesome and I hope you're doing well :)

Tried on this adorable dress at H&M on sunday :)

And i've been quite active on instagram lately, so if you're wondering what i'm up to, well look on here:

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Strange things happening in my mind

Hello everybody :)

Well as you can tell from my last post.. things are kinda weird right now? Not quite right. And I don't really know what's happening.. I guess it's just brain chemicals being all funny though. 

ED-wise i'm doing quite well, I don't really worry about food anymore. It's yummy. I don't get anxiety over eating. I eat when I'm hungry. If I want to take some more of something, or have an extra snack one day because i'm more hungry than usual, then i will. I listen to my body, what it's craving, what I need. And it's pretty awesome!! :)

But depression-wise i've been quite bad lately, hence my blogging pause. Yesterday and today have ended up particularly terrible.. I was super depressive yesterday morning and was really suicidal, something I haven't felt that intense in a while.. the thoughts come up every so often, but not like this time. I actually went to the medicine cabinet and took out my bottle of anxiety meds which I got perscribed recently (they will basically make me pass out if I'm having an anxiety attack, so that I don't do anything crazy or stupid.. yup, that's the kind of stuff i need, messed up me :s). And wondered if the 20 yellow pills in there would be enough to kill me. And then of course I went to the computer, looked it up, but there wasn't enough info anywhere for me to find out.. And thankfully I have enough control over myself to not have taken it. Because really, these thoughts are completely coming out of nowhere, I don't know why i'm feeling so down.. things are going great in my life???? 

And I ended up self harming that night. Disappointed in myself over that. I hadn't in quite a long time. 

Then last night, I had that dream I mentioned.. it was pretty much an exact replica of that day, except that i had taken the pills and ended up in the hospital. I'm glad it didn't turn out that way in real life. 

Today was complete shit. I don't really know why. It just was. I feel absolutely terrible for no reason at all. Mum and I got in a huge argument later which didn't help my already-terrible mood. And then I had therapy which just put me in a worse mood.. didn't enjoy it at all today, i'm just so sick of therapy and doctors and all of that. I just want to live a normal life. 

Crossing my fingers that tomorrow will be better. 

Pretzels & Nutella

Seriously one of the best things I know!! :) If you haven't had it, well, TRY IT!!! :)

I had a dream last night that I OD'd and ended up in the hospital.. What does that say about how I'm doing right now? Not so well..

Hope you're all well, now it's time for me to head to school, where I really do not want to be. :/ ill post more later probably.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Recovery Problems

Going shopping and not knowing your clothing sizes post-weight restoration -.-

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

i'm just so miserable i don't know what's going on why are my emotions so different all of a sudden

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

On my way to class, just trying to breathe normally, keep my anxiety in.. Trying not to have a panic attack here.. Not looking forward to seeing his face next to me in a few seconds.

Outside the door of my classroom not. I suppose I should stop typing haha :)

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Hello :)

Hi everybody!

As I said last night.. sorry for not posting in a few days, I guess my plans for the blog challenge didn't quite work out hehe, I can still start it anytime though (maybe tonight? :)).

I've been having a pretty rough time lately still. Right now I'm sitting in a Starbucks on a mobile with two friends, them doing homework. I'm done with my homework so I decided to write a post as I don't have much else to do! (And I'm feeling a bit antisocial at the moment? Still nice to be out with people sitting in a coffee shop, but just not quite feeling like talking, I'm not sure.).

Everything has still just been really weird lately.. Emotions all over the place. But mostly just really down. I've slept quite a lot the past few days. To be honest I really don't know what's going on with me right now. I've also been really quite stressed, high anxiety, for no reason- tons of reflux and the like, stress related stomach problems.

I'm seeing the doctor tomorrow and my therapist on Tuesday. Hopefully I'll get some stuff sorted out.. We're talking about increasing my antidepressant meds, and I went off the meds that made me so insanely crazy thankfully.

My mum is actually quite worried about me as well.. How I've been acting and feeling and such. I've been quite a bit more open with telling her how I'm doing though lately. Sharing how Im feeling with her, especially when I'm very down or stressed.

Eats have been kinda difficult lately, with my stomach issues especially and all my stress/being down. I'm trying my best to get everything in despite that though, really nervous for the doctor tomorrow, just hoping so much I haven't dropped any weight because I did at my last appointment like two weeks ago and I'm going to have more frequent appointments again if I drop more. And then maybe people won't trust me even though I'm trying my absolute hardest to get better.. Usch. And more doctors appointments means more money spent.. :/

So I'll just have to do my best to keep on with eating, not letting my emotions affect it.

Hope your all doing well, don't give up :)

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Sorry for not posting the past couple days, things have been kinda rough :/ but tomorrow ill try to write a couple posts!

Me right now>>