Monday, October 15, 2012

What is wrong with me?

It's so hard to handle my mood swings.. seriously, I can go from a great mood, to feeling completely shit in a moment. It's been happening so often lately. Dealing with it is just so hard. Sometimes it's because something happened, and it made me upset (or really happy.. not usually that way though? can't think of a single example of that?). But a lot of the time, it's entirely random. Like I can't see it coming at all. I'll be out with my friends, or doing some homework, or anything and have a ton of good energy and motivation. And then all of a sudden, it's just completely gone, and I'm exhausted and down, with suicidal thoughts going through my head. Wanting everything to just be over. Feeling disconnected and completely depressed. And then a while later, maybe I'll be fine again? Or have moved on to a totally different emotion? Happy one moment, having anxiety attacks the next, being in tears, going to completely fine and calm.? And I can never see it coming, or most of the time at least.

Usch. I'm just tired. I don't feel like talking about it in therapy. Because then I'll have to think so hard, about what the different causes are for my mood swings.. what will set me off into another mood. What is behind my emotional instability. And I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of therapy. Of talking about myself, and thinking so totally deeply into what I'm thinking and feeling. Analyzing my entire thought processes. I'm just tired. Sometimes I just want to be like, Screw this. I just want to live my life. Most people don't have therapy, don't have to think through every little detail of their thoughts. But then again, people who do think about their thoughts probably are better off in the long run with the self-awareness and such.. but still. I'm so sick of it all. 

Sick of living. 

And I wouldn't be surprised if in another hour I'll be writing a post that says.. "I love life! I'm the happiest person ever! I can't wait to do everything I get to fill my life up with doing!"

I just have to keep going regardless I suppose. And I'll just talk about it more in therapy tomorrow (UGH).

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