Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Missing my "family"

I'm sitting in my room just kind of sitting around on the computer and such.. and for the past couple hours, I've been able to hear the entire marching band rehearsal at my school (I live pretty near my school). And I'm feeling so sad, hearing it and not being there.. lately I've been quite sad about not being in band anymore, I've missed it a TON. All my friends are in band. I'm always around them and band stuff and such.. there are still people that start talking to me about something that happened in rehearsal the other day or something, and then they're like, 'oh yeah you're not in band anymore, I forgot!'. I sit with them at the football games but for the first half when they're in uniform I get kicked out of the section by my band director (*their* band director), however i'm usually able to sneak in second half when they're all in their jeans and band jacket (which I am wearing as well.) And I have to say, that my band director is really sad to have to kick me out and such, he was extremely sad about me quitting band and always wants me back, he cares about me a lot and has been really supportive about my recovery and such.

But even though I'm still really close with the band and such.. it still feels like i'm on the outside. I'm not actually in it. I don't have to go through the grueling three hour or all day rehearsals. I'm not there for the hours of bus rides. A joke will be made, and I don't get it, because I wasn't there for it.

And times like tonight.. I hear them practicing. And I am just longing to be there with them, on the freezing cold football field under the bright stadium lights, working our butts off to perfect the show, as one unified group. Surrounded by all my friends, bonding in the torturous hours of practice as exhaustion sets in.

I didn't even expect to miss it at all. I was ready to drop it all, all the drama in band, all the long horrible rehearsals in either unbearable heat or unbearable cold, the extreme lack of time to do anything else with your life, barely fitting in homework. But I do miss it now. I miss it so much.

I miss my family.

^^LOL.. my awkward, dysfunctional family. 

Lookin' snazzy with that math team shirt

Me on the far left

Yup.. I'm missing this.


  1. Such cute pics!!!!:)
    Tell me, WHY can't you be in the band now? I think you can? You're in another place now than when you left the band, you're so much better now...!! Things are not perfect I know, but this is something you WANT and LOVE to do it could greatly contribute to your recovery!! Doing something normal, something fun...being with your friends?? You just had to quit the treatment programme right, so thus could be your recovery programme;)
    DON'T wait for this moment when you're healthy and 'can do things again' and miss out on the things you love and want!! Doing the things you love and wany will make you recover and get to that point as they teach you how to enjoy life again!!! I started recovery because of my dreams...i just applied to my dream uni though something wanted to keep me from it and said 'don't, get healthy first' ...but this application is part of my getting healthy, i'd feel very down and depressed had I postponed or given up my dream...i'd have so much (more:S) negativity in my mind right now....

    Give it a try?? You could do it!!:) x

  2. Sorry, reading my post again I realise that maybe I was intruding a little and being too harsh??'s just I see how this band would be really important to you and I wish to see you being part of it again!:) Hope you're not angry with me for 'lecturing' or anything...

    Have an amazing day!!!:)