Thursday, August 30, 2012

I'm falling, falling...

I'm falling back into ana's grip. Going back to my old habits of lying, isolating, hiding from the world.

Throwing away food. Walking whenever possible at school. Exercising in my room. And lying about it all.

This can only cause bad things to happen. But once you start going down, well it's near impossible to pull yourself back up. It seems the only way out is further down. When really that is the opposite of what will help me out.

I know what I'm doing. I know I'm hurting everybody around me. I know I'm hurting myself.

But I just can't seem to stop.

And that's the worst part.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Watching the time tick by

I was just thinking, I remember when I first started this blog. I had anorexia for a little over 1.5 years at that time. I remember thinking, wow it's been a while.

And now all of a sudden, time keeps on moving, and it's been almost over 2 years.

How did that happen?

Monday, August 27, 2012

In the end, the only person you can get better for is yourself.

Something that's come up a lot in my mind and therapy and such lately, is that in the end you really need to recover for yourself.

Yes, you can get better for your parents, best friends, boyfriend, husband, kids, teachers, counsellors, therapists, family, etc. And this is important of course. They are a huge reason to get better, and a great (if not only) motivator for many people when they're going through treatment. It hurts them to see you broken, to see you not doing well. You want to be okay so that they don't have to worry. So they can be happy that you're okay.

But really in the end, just going off that motivation to please them isn't what will make you 100% better. You might get most of the way on that alone. But even if it's just the last 1%, you have to do it for yourself.

There are all the little tricks, things you can do, not to eat everything you're supposed to. Everyone reading this probably knows exactly what i'm talking about, we all have to admit that we've done it at one time or another. And yes, maybe you can skip a snack, or not eat 100%, and feel like you're still in control because it won't noticeably effect your health. Just little tiny things, a couple bread crumbs off here or spreading the extra sauce around your plate. Maybe it won't affect your vitals and your weight.

But it affects your mind. Every time you do something like that, it will boost your eating disorder a little bit more. As long as you're doing that, maybe you're still getting better physically because of these tiny things, but they all add up in your mind.

Your parents, counsellors, friends, everybody may be seeing progress. They may never know of the little things you might do on occasion. But really you need to be truthful to yourself.

"It's just a couple of crumbs, it doesn't even matter..." Well if it's your ED telling you that, then it does matter.

You need to take those steps to get past your eating disorder, to stop letting it win in tiny scenarios like that. You need to take power over it, not letting it continue to control your life even as you're recovering. Because unless you're truthful to yourself, and realize that those seemingly insignificant behaviors really do affect you negatively, you'll never be able to truly recover. You can recover for others. But there are things they'll never know, that you need to be truthful to yourself about- the little things that when you choose to fight against them eventually, then you'll really start to recover. You'll be getting better for yourself, because you choose to be free.

Questions not usually asked

Izzy from A Life Without Anorexia ( posted this and as it looks fun + I'm bored sitting at work with my mum right now, I'm going to answer them!

Questions not usually asked:

1: Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? Closed

2: Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel? Heck yes!!! I love those!!! ;)

3: Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out? Out.. I can't stand it with them tucked in, I feel trapped/claustrophobic

4: Have you ever stolen a street sign before? LOL no that's really random

5: Do you like to use post-it notes? Do I like them? More like Do I LOVE them!!! My desk is covered in them I'll post a picture sometime :)

6: Do you cut out coupons but then never use them? Haha no not usually. I will on occasion though.

7: Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees? Aaahhhh they both sound awful....? I guess with bees it might be easier to hide and less chance of dying.. But still both of these are just horrible

8: Do you have freckles? Yeah :)

9: Do you always smile for pictures? Usually! Unless I'm in a terrible mood or something LOL

10: What is your biggest pet peeve? This will sound really weird... But when people don't close the tops of cereal/cracker boxes correctly ( the ones with the tabs you put in the slot) ...that drives me insane!

11: Do you ever count your steps when you walk? Yeah.. Used to be a sick thing of mine, to count how many calories I burned walking somewhere

12: Have you ever peed in the woods? Hahahaha no

13: What about pooped in the woods? Again nope

14: Do you ever dance even if theres no music playing?Hehe on occasion probably Yeah

15: Do you chew your pens and pencils? Sometimes if I'm really stressed out. Mostly I think that's gross and germy though.

16: How many people have you slept with this week? None haha never have and won't for a while, at least never during high school, there's too much risky stuff that could happen

17: What size is your bed? Umm I don't know... Normal size??? Not tiny, just one person size

18: What is your Song of the week?errr I'm not sure.. Maybe Show Me What I'm Looking For by Carolina Liar, I listened to that for the first time in a while last night and it's a good song.. Listen to it!!

19: Is it okay for guys to wear pink? Depends on the guy.. But I admit I have a certain amount of respect for guys that aren't afraid to wear pink :)

20: Do you still watch cartoons? Eww no I dont like cartoons, never really have

21: Whats your least favorite movie?Hmm that's hard. Any kind of scary shark/natural disaster/end of the world kind of movie I HATE. Not sure about a particular movie though

22: Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some? Um. The park near my house?

23: What do you drink with dinner? Water or juice or soy milk sometimes

24: What do you dip a chicken nugget in? Don't really eat them much. But maybe ketchup or lemon juice

25: What is your favorite food? Aah hard question. Maybe Japanese food! Miso soup is delicious, and I love salmon teriyaki! And cucumber rolls dipped in soy sauce, soy sauce is delicious

26: What movies could you watch over and over and still love? Harry potter of course!!!!!

27: Last person you kissed/kissed you? Never kissed anyone/been kissed. Never had a boyfriend haha forever alone???? :) hope not!

28: Were you ever a boy/girl scout? Yep!

29: Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine? Yuck no!

30: When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper? Too long ago. I love handwritten letters, I should send one to somebody :)

31: Can you change the oil on a car? Hahahaaa no way

32: Ever gotten a speeding ticket? Don't drive

33: Ever ran out of gas? Last night with my friend we were running low and had to go to the gas station. That's not running out though? And again I don't drive.

34: Favorite kind of sandwich? Tuna! Or turkey and cheese. I'm simple!

35: Best thing to eat for breakfast? Fruit or muslie!

36: What is your usual bedtime? Hehe 12. I try to aim for 10:30-11:30. But it's so easy to get distracted!

37: Are you lazy? Sometimes I am.. Sometimes I'm the opposite of lazy though!

38: When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? Usually book/movie characters, or black cats

39: What is your Chinese astrological sign? Um the rat I think

40: How many languages can you speak? English, enough Japanese to probably be able to get by (not near fluent though). And some Swedish, which reminds me I've been neglecting my Svenska lessons too much lately!

41: Do you have any magazine subscriptions? Nope. Used to have national geographic

42: Which are better legos or lincoln logs? Legos all the way!!!

43: Are you stubborn? Hehe I can be

44: Who is better...Leno or Letterman? I don't know what those are. ?

45: Ever watch soap operas? Nope

46: Are you afraid of heights? Somewhat yeah

47: Do you sing in the car? Not with my mom driving. All the time with my friends driving!! And I don't drive alone but I probably would!

48: Do you sing in the shower? Yeah!!

49: Do you dance in the car? Haha.. With my friends!

50: Ever used a gun?Never even seen one In real life

51: Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? A few weeks ago for school. But never like a nice professional pretty one. That would be fun though, I would like to!

52: Do you think musicals are cheesy? Yup but they're awesome a lot of the time!

53: Is Christmas stressful? Sometimes I guess

54: Ever eat a pierogi? Never heard of it lol

55: Favorite type of fruit pie? Apple

56: Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? Writer. Singer. Ballerina!

57: Do you believe in ghosts? Not really. I'm not sure

58: Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? Oh my gosh so much!

59: Take a vitamin daily? Yep, the consequence of wonderful Ed

60: Wear slippers?No

61: Wear a bath robe? No

62: What do you wear to bed? Pj shorts and a cami

63: First concert? Never been to one. Besides classical haha

64: Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? TARGETTTTT!

65: Nike or Adidas? Nike I guess, I don't really know, I haven't looked at either of their stuff enough to know?

66: Cheetos Or Fritos? Yuck. But fritos I suppose

67: Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? Eww again. Sunflower seeds

68: Ever hear of the group Tres Bien? No

69: Ever take dance lessons? When I was little. But I might start some soon (which I have to post about!)

70: Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? Hmm. Photographer!

71: Can you curl your tongue? Yep

72: Ever won a spelling bee? No, been close though!

73: Have you ever cried because you were so happy? I'm not sure

74: Own any record albums? No

75: Own a record player? No

76: Regularly burn incense? No

77: Ever been in love? No

78: Who would you like to see in concert? Hmm not sure. Maybe Eskimo joe, coldplay, or Demi lovato

79: What was the last concert you saw? Never been to one

80: Hot tea or cold tea? Hot of course!

81: Tea or coffee? Tea, never had coffee!

82: Sugar or snickerdoodles? Snicker doodle!

83: Can you swim well? Yup!

84: Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Yeah

85: Are you patient? Very

86: DJ or band, at a wedding? Hmm probably dj

87: Ever won a contest? Yeah!

88: Ever have plastic surgery?Lolllll no way

89: Which are better black or green olives? Neither yuck!!

90: Can you knit or crochet? Yeah, haven't in a whole though I probably don't remember

91: Best room for a fireplace? Living room

92: Do you want to get married? Of course!!!!!!

93: If married, how long have you been married? Not married
94: Who was your HS crush? Hehe this guy named Jared. Still in hs.. But that was freshman/soph year

95: Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way? Noooo lol

96: Do you have kids? No thankfully not at this age lol!

97: Do you want kids? Maybe eventually. But I would want to adopt if I did

98: Whats your favorite color? Hmm hard question! Lots of favorites! Can't really choose.

99: Do you miss anyone right now? Yeah, my really close friend from treatment who went to a residential program because she needed more intense treatment :( We still talk a lot though! Miss her loads though, I love her to death.

Well that killed some time and now I have tired thumbs from writing all that from my mobile!! Congrats if anybody actually bothered to read through that , now you know a bit more about me :)

Expect lots of posts tonight!!

Hello all!

As you can see I haven't kept up with my blog challenge at all.. lol

But today I finished my homework early and have nothing pressing to do. So you can expect loads of posts from me!!! (hopefully that's a good thing.. Heheh)

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Having a really hard time right now, can't really write today, sorry :( I'll try to update you tomorrow. Hope you're all doing well x

No time for posting today!

Just getting in bed after a long day of adjusting to school+program+homework all at the same time!! I do have to say though, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, if anybody's wondering :) I'll definitely squeeze in some time to write more tomorrow! And get caught up on the 30 day challenge.. ;D

How was everybody else's first day of school, for anybody that had it ??? :)

me today :)

Sunday, August 19, 2012

1. 5 Ways to Win My Heart

1. Be caring/supportive/kind. Somebody who can listen to me and help me when I need it, and always support me. Being able to handle my problems but still have fun together :)

2. Take me on long walks through the park/town/etc. I love walks!!!!! Time to just talk, or be silent enjoying time out, be romantic, go nice places.. Taking me on a mystery walk or something and not telling me where we're going to go, and ending up somewhere beautiful, that would be great :D

3. Being comfortable with talking but also with silence. Since i'm not too much of a talker, doing a lot of the talking is good.. but also letting me talk! Someone who's able to have conversations with me that I actually talk a lot, someone I'm comfortable opening up to and talking more around. But not having to be in a conversation 100% of the time, just being able to spend time together.

4. Spontaneously doing little romantic things. Bringing me flowers, good morning texts, opening the door for me, holding my hand, coming over just to say hi every once in a while, saying "I love you" at random times... it's all the little cute things that count sometimes :)

5. Smelling good!!! Okay it sounds really weird haha.. but I love it when guys smell good!!! 

Some lovely pictures from Tumblr :)

School tomorrow :s

Hey there!

Like many people, I too am starting school tomorrow :o

It was actually really complicated to figure out what was going to happen this year. Originally I wasn't even going to go to school at all, but it turns out that I'm going to go back on a kind of half schedule and still continue going to my treatment program the rest of the day. We had this big meeting with my whole treatment team (doctor, therapists, nutritionist, psychiatrist, parents, etc... basically a big fun meeting -.-) It was really terrible, basically what happened was I tried to say what I wanted to do but nobody listened to me at all even though they promised me they would, and the plan at the end of the meeting (which the point was to change it to what I wanted and could handle) was the exact same as at the beginning. Very helpful... I was in a terribly bad mood the next few days after that meeting because I was really upset about what had happened. I'm not ready for school right now. I just can't handle it. But I'm going, they want me to, and by now 5 days after the meeting I've calmed down about it. Adjusted to the idea of going back (which I still hate nonetheless). But I guess we'll just have to see how it goes?

And if it's absolutely horrible, setting me back further, then I can always make everybody listen- that this isn't working for me, I need something else right now. Because I'm already looking into a big web of hiding and lies coming.. more laps around the school, anxiety filled days, walking through the halls asking "why am I alive?", easily throwing out my food, and practically living in the office. Like how everything used to be, it's just so much habit by now. I went for the school registration thing earlier this week on Tuesday, it was an absolutely horrible experience. Panic attacks the whole time, surrounded by people I hate (okay that's strong, maybe extremely dislike? but really I don't like many people at my school..), full of anxiety just wanting to go hide in a corner and not eat and die. After the whole multi-step registration process through the library, I actually ended up walking one of my usual long routes through the school before meeting my mum back at the car.. not a good sign, and it wasn't even when school was in?? just the registration day?!

But maybe not, maybe it will be okay.. a distraction from all my time at recovery or something? I don't know. Maybe I'll have lots of friends.. I mean lots of people like me there.  Alot of the time though it's just hard to relate to others, to be interested in everything they're talking about because I just have so much else on my mind nowadays. Talking to people that just have no idea what Im going through.

I'm having an extremely reduced schedule. My original schedule was AP English, AP Calculus, AP Physics, US History, Japanese 3 Honors, and Multimedia Journalism. All the most advanced courses. Now I'll only be having two classes a day, four overall- Japanese 3 Honors and AP Calculus on one day and normal Physics and normal English on the other day. I'll be at school from 8-11:45 and my program starts at 12, and the end varies depending on the day. 

Well I'll definitely let you guys know how it goes.. it seems that around school, I also have a lot more motivation to be blogging.. maybe because more stuff is happening? I don't know :)

Is anybody else starting school tomorrow? Looking forward to it?? :)

Friday, August 17, 2012

30 Day Blog Challenge

Hello everybody!

Hope you haven't given up hope on my blog..? Well for those of you that haven't, you can look forward to a full 30 days of me posting, hopefully that will get me back into the habit of it!!!

Looking forward to doing this challenge! I think I'll start it tomorrow :)

Meanwhile. How are you all doing? :)

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Enjoying the sunlight

Hello everybody!

I'm sorry for the very sporadic blogging.. Things have been EXTREMELY difficult lately if you can tell from the few times that I have posted.

I'm still at my program every day. Not too sure what my life will look like a. few weeks out from now. I will most likely not be going to school, which starts next week. Or if I do it will be a modified schedule and I would still go to my program, I'm not sure if I can even handle a couple classes right now though. We're having a big meeting with my whole treatment team and some people from school and my parents on Wednesday.

There is also a possibility of going to residential treatment... I just really don't know what is going to happen to me.

But what I do know is that right now I'm out in town, enjoying a beautiful summer day, the first time I've done so , well, all summer. I went out for Japanese food for lunch with two friends and spent some time in the town. They both got picked up a little while ago, but instead of walking the couple blocks back home (yes, at least I can do a bit of walking now!!!) I decided to sit at the starbucks that's right here where I am and enjoy some free water, free wifi, and of course the also free beautiful summer sun! Have some time out of the house, just to be sitting and relaxing by myself, nobody nagging me or bugging me, telling me to do this and that. Spending time away from all of that. And boy is this nice :) just what I needed today I think.

And now I'm feeling inspired to start up blogging again, hopefully that inspiration sticks :)

I hope you're all doing well!!

Hehe... And here's a bunch of bad pictures from my mobile.. Hope some at least turned out okay? :)

Thursday, August 9, 2012

I'm done i'm done i'm sooooooo done with all this treatment crap.

sorry for all the depressive blog posts

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

I just can't do this anymore.

So sorry for the extreme *lack of posting* lately, things have been absolutely shit. And of course I don't want to be triggering to anybody, because what I would post probably could be. I'll try to muster up a post soon to update you all on what's going on.. If anybody cares at all?

Doubting right now that I'll ever be able to get better :/