Today was horrible.
I'm completely stressed out. So much going on. So much to worry about.
The depression is so strong right now. Suicidal thoughts are strong. And my resistance to the suicidal thoughts is weakened. Today I found myself looking up if overdoses on antidepressants can kill you and it can apparently. Knowing that worries me. Knowing that we have that little bottle of pills. That it would be so easy to just swallow them all. No no no no no. I can't think like that. I have to get those thoughts out of my head. I don't want that. What I want is to overcome all this. To be strong. To beat ED, to get rid of my depression, to become happy. Sometimes it's just so hard though, when you've been going for so long and when things should be getting better they're only getting worse.
I'm having such bad ED thoughts right now also. I'm finding myself so overwhelmingly jealous of other people a lot of the time.. people that can eat when they want and what they want, people that can exercise, people that are comfortable and confident in their bodies. I just want to stop eating. Get skinny. Run and run and never stop. I'm not usually like this. I can usually control these thoughts. But ever since that group last week when things got bad, well it's just been getting worse and worse.
In complete honesty, if I could just stay with how my body is right now, I would be okay with it. I have a normal body. People say I have a normal body. Not too skinny, definitely not fat, just completely normal. I don't fucking need to gain weight. They're seriously going to make me fat.. like I'm fine how I am, I don't need to be any bigger. I would be content to stay right here.
And this is kind of a really weird thought.. but sometimes I just can't help thinking, it's not fair, i'm on the brink of being put in the hospital with a heart attack from anorexia, but yet i'm not even super skinny, i'm just normal???? like the entire time i've had my ED, I haven't really changed all that much on the outside. Yes, I did get skinnier. But not like super skinny or anything.. as I said before. I'm just normal. uschhh.
Sorry most of this was just senseless rambling.. well anyways. so so stressed for this week, it's going to be horrible. so much to do. so much studying. and I feel so horrible, just getting worse and worse every day. Scared for the doctor on Tuesday... things have not gone well past couple weeks. I have no idea how the report's going to be. :/
Well sorry for this very down post. But I guess I'm just feeling very down right now.
Time to go to sleep (after a long busy day of working, working, working.) Hope I don't have another bad dream. It's getting to almost every night i'm having a bad dream/nightmare right now. Even sleep isn't an escape anymore..
More tomorrow, hoping things will go better.