Monday, June 4, 2012

Today was horrible.

I'm completely stressed out. So much going on. So much to worry about.

The depression is so strong right now. Suicidal thoughts are strong. And my resistance to the suicidal thoughts is weakened. Today I found myself looking up if overdoses on antidepressants can kill you and it can apparently. Knowing that worries me. Knowing that we have that little bottle of pills. That it would be so easy to just swallow them all. No no no no no. I can't think like that. I have to get those thoughts out of my head. I don't want that. What I want is to overcome all this. To be strong. To beat ED, to get rid of my depression, to become happy. Sometimes it's just so hard though, when you've been going for so long and when things should be getting better they're only getting worse.

I'm having such bad ED thoughts right now also. I'm finding myself so overwhelmingly jealous of other people a lot of the time.. people that can eat when they want and what they want, people that can exercise, people that are comfortable and confident in their bodies. I just want to stop eating. Get skinny. Run and run and never stop. I'm not usually like this. I can usually control these thoughts. But ever since that group last week when things got bad, well it's just been getting worse and worse.

In complete honesty, if I could just stay with how my body is right now, I would be okay with it. I have a normal body. People say I have a normal body. Not too skinny, definitely not fat, just completely normal. I don't fucking need to gain weight. They're seriously going to make me fat.. like I'm fine how I am, I don't need to be any bigger. I would be content to stay right here.

And this is kind of a really weird thought.. but sometimes I just can't help thinking, it's not fair, i'm on the brink of being put in the hospital with a heart attack from anorexia, but yet i'm not even super skinny, i'm just normal???? like the entire time i've had my ED, I haven't really changed all that much on the outside. Yes, I did get skinnier. But not like super skinny or anything.. as I said before. I'm just normal. uschhh.

Sorry most of this was just senseless rambling.. well anyways. so so stressed for this week, it's going to be horrible. so much to do. so much studying. and I feel so horrible, just getting worse and worse every day. Scared for the doctor on Tuesday... things have not gone well past couple weeks. I have no idea how the report's going to be. :/

Well sorry for this very down post. But I guess I'm just feeling very down right now.

Time to go to sleep (after a long busy day of working, working, working.) Hope I don't have another bad dream. It's getting to almost every night i'm having a bad dream/nightmare right now. Even sleep isn't an escape anymore..

More tomorrow, hoping things will go better.

2 comments:

  1. anja :( I hope you're okay!
    I know what you mean a few nights ago I did google that too but you can't give in to it! Personally it really helped to tell my parents how I was feeling. It was hard because I didn't want to worry them but its better to tell them than to actually do something dangerous. What made you want to take your life though? You have to remember all the things you have to live for, and even though its tough now things will get better. About the weight I also get what you mean. People are telling me I look good, so why do I need to put on weight? I feel like I was the most comfortable with my weight at like 1kg lighter, so why can't I be that weight? Eventhough its annoying its a sacrifice we have to make. Because of our anorexia we can't be skinny, but we can still look good. The doctors are never going to let us get fat or chubby, they just want us to be healthy. Really hope you feel better soon! Good luck at the doctors Ox

    ReplyDelete
  2. Try to talk with someone. Don't bottle things up. And i know that stress makes the thoughts worse. Whenever im stressed and have exams that's when i start getting ED thoughts and feel all depressed.... but hopefully after your exams things will get better. remember to take time to relax and sleep... plan things so that you dont just sit stressing and studying ....
    hope things get better and remember that OD'ing wontt help anything... the chances are that you'll end up in hospital with them pumping your stomach and you'll be in an even worse scenario because then people might start talkin about psych wards. and trust me once you've tried attempting suicide... that's all your freedom gone. (remember when you said that you had gone and talked to someone and said that you thought about suicide and you weren't even allowed to the bathroom on your gone own? yupp ... that's kinda how your life would be?)
    so try to think about that... think about the consequences!!!

    ReplyDelete