Wow, an actual post you say? Hehe, if anybody even cares or noticed that i hadn't updated.. :)
I guess it's been a while since i've done a real post, hasn't it. Things have been really really hard the past few days. Waking up and having to just keep going again and again. Nothing's getting any easier, harder really if anything. I haven't really been able to bring myself to writing a post.
Here's what's been happening this week:
Thursday (I actually wrote this a few days ago, on Friday I think, but i'm not proofreading it so tenses might be weird or something.. idk.)
S and I had plans to go to the mall to do some shopping, and another friend of ours was picking us up to go there at 11. I had been feeling kind of weird that morning, like kind of emotionally unstable or fragile- excited about the day because we were going to have fun and also we were going to a pool party later in the day which would be fun, but kind of like any little thing could push me over the edge, make everything go horribly. And, well, guess what happened?
When they finally picked me up at 11:30 or so (they were running late I guess, meanwhile I was pacing in my house nervous that they forgot me or something) it was S, S's sister, and our friend who was driving. And when I got in the car, we had a long conversation.. "so, what do we want to do today?". Which I thought that we had a plan already, going to the mall and trying on some clothes, then later going to the pool party. And mum and I had figured out the food plan for the whole day, which was really complicated because I would be out with friends from 11am to 8pm. And I was already pretty nervous for it. So when we were saying, so what are we going to do, I was just thinking.. umm? I thought we already had a plan? AAH.
S and her sister had gone to the mall the previous day and also a couple other days that week, so they didn't really want to go again (which I was kind of upset about seeing as we had already planned to go today and we were really looking forward to doing some shopping). So we decided to first go out to get some pearl milk tea. I had just had my snack before leaving, but when we got to the milk tea place I thought, okay screw the ana thoughts I'm going to get some milk tea with my friends, and who knows how the food is going to work for the rest of the day so I should get some when I can. We were also thinking of getting lunch there but decided not to. But then it ended up that they got food anyway, I was the only one not having food.. ummm? And since we were getting food there after all it would be less likely we would be getting lunch somewhere else later. Then we spent a while trying to figure out what to do next, we couldn't really think of anything. And also the whole outing so far I hadn't really said anything, I was in sort of a bad mood.. or not bad mood, more of just feeling down and weird, a little antisocial/out of place even though usually I don't have a problem hanging out with these people.
So finally S decided, let's go see a movie. Which then, the major panic feelings started. When we got in the car to go, I got a text from mum asking how things were going, I told her that the whole food plan had collapsed and we were going to see a movie now and I was kinda freaking out. I absolutely hate movie theaters, I find them totally disgusting and horrible, and I get really freaked out in them. Being in the big dark room with all the other people, enclosed like that- I am super extremely claustrophobic, one of the things I hate about movie theaters. But just everything about them. I really don't like it, never have. Mum offered to pick me up, but I wasn't sure because that would be kind of weird and I didn't want to just leave my friends like that. But finally when we got to the mall I decided that yes I did want to be picked up, because if we were seeing a movie that made the food even more complicated, I didn't know if I would be able to have lunch/snack or anything. I texted mum and told the others that I had a big headache and my mum was going to pick me up. They were concerned, and it was a little awkward but mostly okay. S waited out with me for the half an hour or so it took for mum to get there before going to meet the others inside the theater (she's such an awesome friend, missing a bunch of the movie to wait with me!).
Then I went back with my mum to her work, I was able to get my meals at the normal times and such, overall I was really glad about my decision although I did feel pretty stupid about the whole thing. Later mum took me to the pool party. Which, when I got there, I realized.. wow, what a bad idea. It was a really strange mix of people that don't really know each other. But they all got on fine, meanwhile I didn't say a word for the entire dinner (nor did I eat or drink anything). And when it was time to get in the pool, I was seriously sitting in the corner of the pool not doing anything while everybody else was having fun.. .__. what. It was a horrible experience basically. And to further set me out, I was the only girl wearing a one piece, everybody else had like bikinis, which even just a one piece takes 82347982798243 times the confidence I actually have. I called S and asked when she was going to get there (because we had planned on coming late, but then since I was with mum after all I came on time) and finally she got there about an hour and a half into the party. And I could not have been happier to see her. I basically bolted out of the pool and wrapped in my towel. And me, her, her sister, and another friend of ours sat out on the grass and talked for a couple hours, haha! So that was pretty nice, later everybody got out of the pool and we turned on the fire pit and made smores. I didn't have any of course, which was pretty awkward, but oh well. The fire was really nice to sit by though, very warm. And then my mum picked me, S, and her sister up about an hour before the party was supposed to end because we didn't really see any point in staying longer, none of us were really having much fun or talking to anybody but each other, haha. Then I was finally home after a very long and unsuccessful day, not feeling all too good :/
Friday morning was really bad. I was just really not feeling good, and was on my own for most of the morning so breakfast was really hard and I didn't even eat my snack. Then my dad took me to mum's work where she took me then to my intake appointment at the inpatient program clinic place i'm going to. Thankfully she had planned ahead and had a bar for me to eat just in case I didn't have my snack- she's getting better at this whole eating disorder thing :) But as a side note, she really has been trying SO hard to learn everything she can about ED's and how to help me, what's hard for me to do, when to support me and how, when to be harder on me and when to be more forgiving. She's so amazing, it was really hard for everyone at first and she had no idea how to act or help me, but I just have to give a huge shoutout about all her effort to help me and she's really been awesome lately. In fact once i finish this post I'm going to go thank her for being so amazing ;)
Anyways, the intake appointment went well, it was like an hour of being in this room with a doctor and mum, asking me a ton of different questions and stuff. Basically telling her everything. And then doing some paperwork and such. I feel really good about my choice about going to the program, I think it will really help me and the place i'm going is great. And after the appointment it was back to work with mum where I sat bored for a few hours, playing games on my itouch (but there wasn't wifi i could use for blogging/email/facebook/tumblr .__.) and then we finally went home. Thought about going out and walking around a nearby downtown or something but we ended up staying in and watching movies.
Oh my goodness it was SOOOOO HOT starting on saturday. Like crazy intense extreme heat. I was basically lying on my floor talking to friends on the phone and playing games on my itouch all day because it was so hot and my floor was the coolest place to be. So there's not much to say about yesterday.
So there's what's been happening since I kind of stopped posting :)
now i'll post about today and such!