Saturday, June 30, 2012

Up and down day


I have had quite an up and down day. It started out quite bad as you know from my earlier post. And then it got worse, I forgot the main part of my lunch at my house (we bring all our own food to program, but there's also lots of food there we can use). And I realized this on the highway when it was too late to turn back for it. Plus j hadn't even had my snack, Usch. On top of all that it was laundry day so I had on a completely ridiculous outfit of whatever I could find that wasn't dirty.

But then I got to program, told my nutritionist about the horrible morning, she told me everything's fine, well work something out for lunch out of the stuff that's there (because there's plenty). And we just went in and did yoga, one other person was there for the class. It turned out to be really nice an good even if I wasn't in the mood for it and had a bad mornig, it made everything seem so much better, put me into a good mood and relaxed.

We has a great day at program today, the three of us there were all doing good that day. We had a nice lunch, no freakouts, we all did really well. And the rest of the time we were having a ton of fun, hanging out and talking an being weird :) making up songs and dances and such, getting into silly shenanigans! It was overall a very fun positive day.

Then mum and I went to H&M and Ella to get gift cards for two friends birthdays this weekend. It was overall a very bad experience, put me in a bad place.. I don't really want to talk about it, basically me trying on some things like a bunch of yoga pants and just seeing fat fat fat. It was really bad. But I got past that bad mood and am feeling better now, I've spent the night chatting with some friends and watching the olympic gymnastic trials!!

Who's excited for the 2012 London Olympics??? :)

Well that's all I'll write for now, I'm onmy mobile and my hand is starting I cramp up, haha! Goodnight! Hope your doing well!

Friday, June 29, 2012

Tired, tired

Wow, I am tired.

Both as in, I just want to sleep and I am tired of everything.

I can't do this. I can't keep going. It's too hard. I can't do it anymore. I don't have it in me.

No. I have to keep going. I have to get through. It's hard now, but it WILL get better someday. 


I have to leave for yoga in a few minutes, but I don't really feel like going.. it's nice, but i'm just not in the mood today ya know? And I'm not even ready at all. Haven't had my snack, I can't do it, I fail. I'm not even ready to go, my dad's going to get mad at me. I have nothing to wear, I can't choose.

I just hate life right now. I'm so miserable. Being dragged around, doing things, not enjoying anything, going through torturous day after another.

I want it all to be over.

Thursday, June 28, 2012



Tonight I had a bit of spare time.. so I thought I'd make a vlog for you :) it was actually pretty fun... I think i'll do it more often! Especially since i'm too tired to post so much of the time.

Sorry, it's suuuuuper awkward.. it gets better towards the end though. And there's two videos because it cut me off in the first one, my memory card ran out of space ;D hope you don't think i'm weird or something, haha!!

Maybe i'll make another vlog tomorrow :) hehe! or maybe actually post?? well anyways, hope you're all doing well :)

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

I don't want to be alive.
I'm tired of everything.
I'm just so done with this.
Why do I have to keep going?

Monday, June 25, 2012

I'm Back :)

Hello all!

First, I just have to say thank you all for your lovely comments and support, it really helps so much :)

Tomorrow will start my second week at the treatment program. And I am so glad that I chose to do this. It is helping me so much. I love the place that I go to, all the staff is amazing and I've made a few really close friends already. The great part about going there is that for the first time it really feels like I can go somewhere and be open about everything. Not hide who I am, what I'm feeling. Having people around me that completlely understand what I am feeling, and people who accept me for who I am, that don't judge me. I can go and be completely honest, say that I'm having a crappy day, or I don't want to eat this. There's times when my friends and I will sit outside and just complain about everything that's going wrong, and it feels so much better to get everything out with people that understand exactly what you mean.

I can't say that anything has been easy. Everything has been so, so hard. The weekend has been especially hard, the ED voices have been really strong. I've been trying the whole weekend not to relapse, go back to old habits, it's so tempting. But it would be hard to anyways because of the close watch kept on me by my mum. She makes sure I eat everything, which is good. But I have to work so hard to keep my mind in the right place. Keep a recovery mindset. Not slip back, only look forward.

On Friday I had yoga class which is free at my recovery center, and it was absolutely amazing! I am in love with yoga now! :) Try it out if you haven't, it makes you feel really good.

Saturday I went out with one of my friends to the mall and this other fancy shopping centrum place, it was a lot of fun. I had some anxiety before and during, but it turned out okay, we had a good time and I got some cute clothes. Some pictures are below.

Today was a pretty bad day, I was just feeling horrible for no reason. Mum and I went to a seaside town an hour away, I was in a bad mood but she had fun so it was fine. I didn't bring her down, I made sure she knew that it wasn't anything she was doing, it was just me being moody.

I'm also learning to be more open about what's going on. That if you're feeling bad, it's not going to help anything keeping the thoughts in. It can be really hard to let people around you know what you're really feeling. But in the end it actually helps a lot. You feel so much better.

So there's just kind of a random smattering of thoughts from this week. Maybe i'll get into posting regularly again now, but I'm not going to make any promises- I'll post when I want to, but I'm not going to let it burden or stress me, because really I need to be focusing on my real life right now, not on the computer :) like for example, right now it's 12 and I really need to be sleeping :s haha!

Some pictures from yesterday: (sorry they're not all rotated, I forgot to fix all of them before I uploaded them but i'm too lazy to re-upload :))

Trying on really high heels at Forever 21! :)

^^toes were tied together, I couldn't walk anywhere without falling over forwards, lol! how inconvenient.

eww those ones i'm wearing are uglyyy

LOVED these ones though,  I didn't expect to but I tried them on and wow, they were great!

Fancy shopping centrum:

Fishtailed my friend's hair while waiting in line for pearl milk tea

We had a little picnic on this green in the centrum, it was nice! Pearl milk tea + cupcakes from this fancy store (mine is the mini one of course :/). =major anxiety, but it actually wasn't too bad! :)


Urban Outfitters, one of my favourite stores :))))

View of the green from inside urban outfitters, this is only a tiny little side part of the whole centrum though haha, not the main part! didn't take any pics of the main part. 

Inside urban outfitters

Got shoes at Forever 21! only $7 :)

Me :)

That's it for now :) I'll try to post more again throughout the week! And also start commenting once again on everybody's blogs :) Hope you're all doing well, don't give up!!

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Feelin' good :)

Hello there readers!

I'm feeling really good right now. I mean, not as in emotionally.. i'm still so extremely depressed and anorexia is being impossibly annoying to say the least. But it's more that I'm feeling hopeful I guess. Feeling good about how things are going, that everything is going to get better.

I can say now that I absolutely LOVE the program i'm doing. I am so glad that I decided to do it. It is going to help me so much. It's at such a lovely little house, the other people are awesome and I relate to them and get along with them really well (wow, already made some close friends, it's amazing having people that understand me!) and the staff is completely amazing. I feel so lucky right now that I got the right help at the right time. If I hadn't opened up with the counsellor a couple months ago when I started this blog, well I think it's safe to say that I would either be dead or in a hospital close to it right now. But that's not how it happened, that's not how my life is supposed to turn out, and that's what I'm starting to realize. There is something better, something more to life. I don't yet know what that is. But i'm going to find out. I'm going to get past this. And I have the right things in place to do so.

For the first time in my recovery right now, I feel like i'm surrounded by support. People all around that care about me, that I can go to if I need and be honest with, that support me and want me to get better- who will do everything they can to help me get better. I'm not alone in this.

I've thought about it and decided that for the rest of the week i'm going to take a little break from blogging. Right now I need to focus on living my life, getting settled into the program and starting to really get better now that I have the right level of help. Getting ready to face everything that's happening and eventually take control over my life once again.

I'll write a post on Saturday or Sunday about how things are going and if i'll be coming back to full-time blogging right away or have a little more of a break. We'll see how i'm feeling then. I'm not sure if i'll be reading others' blogs, I will if I have time or energy but I'm not sure. I might want to just spend some time away from the computer.

But please don't give up on my blog or something, I promise I'll be back this weekend, I'm sure you'll understand that I just need a bit of a break :)

So I guess that's goodbye until this weekend! Wish me luck in the rest of my first week at inpatient program, I think it will go well. I'll be back on the weekend, until then, stay strong and don't give up the fight! :)

First day of program!

Hello all!

Wow, posting two days in a row, amazing! :)

So today was the first day of my inpatient program. I'm doing half day, so basically I go there every day from 12-3:30.

And I am happy to say that it was actually really nice! I'm SO glad that I decided to go, I think it's going to help me a lot. The other people there were great, I really liked them, and the staff is awesome. It was kind of weird being around other girls going through the same things as me, but also really good at the same time. I've never really been with other people that have ed's, talked to people like me, and it was SO nice being with others that have the same problems as me, going through the same things. Wow. So amazing to realize that I'm not alone, there's people that understand, that have the same problems. I mean, yes there's blogging and that helps a ton, but it's different talking about it out loud, face to face and meeting other girls in real life that are the same as you. They're all really nice and welcoming, and everybody's so supportive of each other. There's two other girls that are also teenagers, I think i'm the youngest though but not by too much I don't think, and a girl in her twenties that were there today. We had lunch all together, then goal setting group, then snack. Still kind of trying to get used to how everything works, it's all so new. But I really like it there, it's a great place.

Okay, there you go, big long messy stream of thoughts about my first day :) hope it wasn't too disjointed haha!

Well that's all I'm writing today, i'm exhausted from a long full day and I'm going to get some sleep. Tomorrow is to the doctor in the morning, then program, then possibly swimming with a friend (if the doctor okays it.. i'm seriously doubting it though .__.) or going to S's house. And if I don't go to S's tomorrow then it will probably be wednesday or something.

Hoping things go well at the doctor tomorrow :s and i'm looking forward to second day at program!

Oh and I could start up a whole huge rant about the insurance system and such.. but right now i'm exhausted and think it would do me better to get some sleep, I guess we'll save that (probably boring to read) rant for another day :)

Monday, June 18, 2012


Wow, finally updating once again :) Anybody miss me?? Haha, no probably not ;)

Today was father's day! Went out to lunch with mum, dad, grandfather, and aunt. It was really nice, I had a lot of anxiety around it but once we got there it went really well.

That's pretty much all that happened today.. it was another unbearably hot day. If it's raining/not hot wherever you are, well you're really lucky :) because this hot weather sucks! Some people like it.. but me, i'm a cold weather person.

Watched The Blind Side, it was SOOOO good. Watch it if you haven't!

The rest of my night (like the past four hours haha) have been spent talking with two of my friends on the phone/skype/texting/messaging etc. and complaining about the heat and our inability to do anything else because of it except lay on our floors :)

Tomorrow I start the inpatient program.. i'm not sure what to expect, hoping it will be good! I'll definitely post about that tomorrow.

Hope you're all doing well!

And i'm happy to say that I think i'll be back to blogging regularly again now! :)

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Hello hello! +My week

Hi there!

Wow, an actual post you say? Hehe, if anybody even cares or noticed that i hadn't updated.. :)

I guess it's been a while since i've done a real post, hasn't it. Things have been really really hard the past few days. Waking up and having to just keep going again and again. Nothing's getting any easier, harder really if anything. I haven't really been able to bring myself to writing a post.

Here's what's been happening this week:

Thursday (I actually wrote this a few days ago, on Friday I think, but i'm not proofreading it so tenses might be weird or something.. idk.)

S and I had plans to go to the mall to do some shopping, and another friend of ours was picking us up to go there at 11. I had been feeling kind of weird that morning, like kind of emotionally unstable or fragile- excited about the day because we were going to have fun and also we were going to a pool party later in the day which would be fun, but kind of like any little thing could push me over the edge, make everything go horribly. And, well, guess what happened?

When they finally picked me up at 11:30 or so (they were running late I guess, meanwhile I was pacing in my house nervous that they forgot me or something) it was S, S's sister, and our friend who was driving. And when I got in the car, we had a long conversation.. "so, what do we want to do today?". Which I thought that we had a plan already, going to the mall and trying on some clothes, then later going to the pool party. And mum and I had figured out the food plan for the whole day, which was really complicated because I would be out with friends from 11am to 8pm. And I was already pretty nervous for it. So when we were saying, so what are we going to do, I was just thinking.. umm? I thought we already had a plan? AAH.

S and her sister had gone to the mall the previous day and also a couple other days that week, so they didn't really want to go again (which I was kind of upset about seeing as we had already planned to go today and we were really looking forward to doing some shopping). So we decided to first go out to get some pearl milk tea. I had just had my snack before leaving, but when we got to the milk tea place I thought, okay screw the ana thoughts I'm going to get some milk tea with my friends, and who knows how the food is going to work for the rest of the day so I should get some when I can. We were also thinking of getting lunch there but decided not to. But then it ended up that they got food anyway, I was the only one not having food.. ummm? And since we were getting food there after all it would be less likely we would be getting lunch somewhere else later. Then we spent a while trying to figure out what to do next, we couldn't really think of anything. And also the whole outing so far I hadn't really said anything, I was in sort of a bad mood.. or not bad mood, more of just feeling down and weird, a little antisocial/out of place even though usually I don't have a problem hanging out with these people.

So finally S decided, let's go see a movie. Which then, the major panic feelings started. When we got in the car to go, I got a text from mum asking how things were going, I told her that the whole food plan had collapsed and we were going to see a movie now and I was kinda freaking out. I absolutely hate movie theaters, I find them totally disgusting and horrible, and I get really freaked out in them. Being in the big dark room with all the other people, enclosed like that- I am super extremely claustrophobic, one of the things I hate about movie theaters. But just everything about them. I really don't like it, never have. Mum offered to pick me up, but I wasn't sure because that would be kind of weird and I didn't want to just leave my friends like that. But finally when we got to the mall I decided that yes I did want to be picked up, because if we were seeing a movie that made the food even more complicated, I didn't know if I would be able to have lunch/snack or anything. I texted mum and told the others that I had a big headache and my mum was going to pick me up. They were concerned, and it was a little awkward but mostly okay. S waited out with me for the half an hour or so it took for mum to get there before going to meet the others inside the theater (she's such an awesome friend, missing a bunch of the movie to wait with me!).

Then I went back with my mum to her work, I was able to get my meals at the normal times and such, overall I was really glad about my decision although I did feel pretty stupid about the whole thing. Later mum took me to the pool party. Which, when I got there, I realized.. wow, what a bad idea. It was a really strange mix of people that don't really know each other. But they all got on fine, meanwhile I didn't say a word for the entire dinner (nor did I eat or drink anything). And when it was time to get in the pool, I was seriously sitting in the corner of the pool not doing anything while everybody else was having fun.. .__. what. It was a horrible experience basically. And to further set me out, I was the only girl wearing a one piece, everybody else had like bikinis, which even just a one piece takes 82347982798243 times the confidence I actually have. I called S and asked when she was going to get there (because we had planned on coming late, but then since I was with mum after all I came on time) and finally she got there about an hour and a half into the party. And I could not have been happier to see her. I basically bolted out of the pool and wrapped in my towel. And me, her, her sister, and another friend of ours sat out on the grass and talked for a couple hours, haha! So that was pretty nice, later everybody got out of the pool and we turned on the fire pit and made smores. I didn't have any of course, which was pretty awkward, but oh well. The fire was really nice to sit by though, very warm. And then my mum picked me, S, and her sister up about an hour before the party was supposed to end because we didn't really see any point in staying longer, none of us were really having much fun or talking to anybody but each other, haha. Then I was finally home after a very long and unsuccessful day, not feeling all too good :/


Friday morning was really bad. I was just really not feeling good, and was on my own for most of the morning so breakfast was really hard and I didn't even eat my snack. Then my dad took me to mum's work where she took me then to my intake appointment at the inpatient program clinic place i'm going to. Thankfully she had planned ahead and had a bar for me to eat just in case I didn't have my snack- she's getting better at this whole eating disorder thing :) But as a side note, she really has been trying SO hard to learn everything she can about ED's and how to help me, what's hard for me to do, when to support me and how, when to be harder on me and when to be more forgiving. She's so amazing, it was really hard for everyone at first and she had no idea how to act or help me, but I just have to give a huge shoutout about all her effort to help me and she's really been awesome lately. In fact once i finish this post I'm going to go thank her for being so amazing ;)

Anyways, the intake appointment went well, it was like an hour of being in this room with a doctor and mum, asking me a ton of different questions and stuff. Basically telling her everything. And then doing some paperwork and such. I feel really good about my choice about going to the program, I think it will really help me and the place i'm going is great. And after the appointment it was back to work with mum where I sat bored for a few hours, playing games on my itouch (but there wasn't wifi i could use for blogging/email/facebook/tumblr .__.) and then we finally went home. Thought about going out and walking around a nearby downtown or something but we ended up staying in and watching movies.


Oh my goodness it was SOOOOO HOT starting on saturday. Like crazy intense extreme heat. I was basically lying on my floor talking to friends on the phone and playing games on my itouch all day because it was so hot and my floor was the coolest place to be. So there's not much to say about yesterday.

So there's what's been happening since I kind of stopped posting :)

now i'll post about today and such!

Friday, June 15, 2012

Recovery is hard.

Recovery is so completely freaking difficult. A lot of the time I think, how on earth am I going to even make it through this?

Sometimes I feel like life is just leaving me behind in the dust.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Pictures from the last week of school!

Finally i've gotten around to sorting through last week's photos, here they are (yay!).

Me and some friends

With S

Another of my friends that just graduated!

Got froyo after school with S on the second to last day and also with a bigger group on the last day :) this is the one with S. 

Outfit on the second to last day:  (lol sorry for lots of awkward pictures.......)

Also if you remember me saying... i cut my hair! Decided to have some side bangs and felt like a little change, so I grabbed some scissors and cut them! :) haha

(don't mind suuuuper messy room in the background)

Dress on the last day: (i apologize for bad pictures, my mirror is kinda dirty, i need to clean it :s)

^see the new bangs :D and also I curled part of my hair!! It only stayed in for about half an hour though, I didn't give the curling enough time to get hot enough to be effective..

Me and another friend :)

After school on the last day we had a band rehearsal for graduation... really?? on the last day? :/ but we had about an hour beforehand so me and a group went in town to have froyo (planned on sushi but there wasn't time). 

And now for Friday, the day after school ended- graduation! I had to be there for rehearsal because of band from 8-11:30ish, but it's okay because it was really fun :)

My school is so pretty!! this is the front lawn.. setting up all the chairs and stuff, people already claiming seats (it's super competitive!! if you don't hire somebody to hold your seats for you the entire day, or sit there yourself, well you aren't getting a seat. unless of course you're playing in the band ;))

After rehearsal we went to a Japanese restaurant downtown that we go to all the time, it's really really yummy. 

Miso soup just has to be the absolutely most delicious thing that exists.. seriously.. :)

Yum! Teriyaki salmon, rice, tempura (only had a bit of the tempura though.)

Then S came over to my house until we were back that night for actual graduation!

Wow, so many people!

Where all the graduates sit

Yay! They're officially done with high school! (nooo my friends are leaving me :(. but it's okay we'll still hang out a ton, and they'll have so many fun adventures at university!). 

So there you have it, my much-awaited (no probably not :P) photos from the last week of school :)

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Not in a blogging mood

Sorry I don't know what's up with me right now but I'm just not having the concentration for my blog at the moment :/ odd. Like I've wanted to be updating and posting and such but I just haven't. Maybe I'll be back to it tomorrow when I have more free time than I have had? We'll see ._.

Went to S's house this morning, took the bus there (wow public transportation! :S). My town's public transportation is absolutely HORRIBLE, if you've read my blog for a while you've probably heard some of my rants about it ;) but I actually made it there with absolutely no problems! yay! We went to the store a block from her house to pick up ingreedients and made a cheesecake and cookies that look like pandas :) we haven't tried any of it yet because it wasn't done by the time I left at 5:30 or so. Spent all day there at her house, we also set up her tumblr which she just got, sat on the couch talking, watched a couple shows and the first half of Thor (really good, I want to see the second half so much!!). Took a little nap, aha. Pretty fun day overall!.

The night has been spent on the phone with my friend and doing some sketching, i'll post some pictures of my sketches tomorrow (i'm actually really proud of some of them!).

Tomorrow is to the nutritionist, and also part of my intake appointment will be happening for the inpatients program while I see her. (because we had already scheduled a meeting for tomorrow, but we thought might as well get that part of the intake appointment done also so there's less to do on Friday). Then my friends and I are having a safeway party (wow we're so cool!! hehe, safeway parties are this big thing.. okay i'm not going to try to explain it! i'll write a post about it tomorrow!).

Now i'm sitting in my room listening to music (pandora is amazing!) and i'll be getting ready for bed now. Haven't felt too awesome tonight. But something I'm learning is it doesn't help anything holding it in, sitting in your room alone crying. Because if you're hiding it from everybody, if it's so obvious to you that you're feeling horrible but you don't let others see it at all, well they won't be able to guess that you're feeling bad. If you're shutting yourself up in your room, well it's no different from the times you're feeling okay and staying in your room, they won't know that you're not okay. If i'm feeling bad I need to go out and have a chat, not be alone although that's often what I want. Because it helps to not be alone, to reach out.

Sadly I didn't do that tonight, I wish I had, instead I just closed off the world and cried alone in my room, lost in my black hole of depression and anorexia and such. And now mum's gone to bed so I never got a chance to go out and chat with her or anything, let her know i'm not feeling too good. But now I suppose it's just to go to bed, wake up tomorrow and hope for better days.

A lot of the time I wonder if things actually are ever going to get better. I mean I know that everyone says I will, everybody around me and also those of you who have gone through this and made it out. But I just always wonder. Will I actually get better? Is there a life without depression? And I also wonder. How will I know when I'm actually happy? I mean, I have times where I'm feeling not as horrible as I usually am, like when things are kind of bearable. And I think.. what if this is what being happy is, if this is it? Maybe I have too high of an expectation of what being happy will be like or something? What if there isn't more than this, I just have some kind of false hope? I know I'm not, I know i'm just super depressed and that there is so much more to life than this. But sometimes you just have to wonder.

Well sorry for so many depressing posts lately.. I really hope I can be a little more upbeat tomorrow and actually post some pictures maybe?? :) crossing my fingers!!

Meanwhile:: GUESS WHAT!!!? I might be getting a new camera that actually WORKS!!!! WOW. S is getting a new camera and she told me today that she's going to give me her old one, which is SOO much better than my camera. And also it has rechargeable battery. Wow!!! I am SO so so excited, she is just the most amazing person ever (and not only because she's giving me a camera.. hehe, seriously in everything, she's just so completely awesome overall!).

And now for some cute fun summery music!

^wow this song is so happy and lovely :)^

Love love love!

I just think this song is so adorable :)

Sorry i've been so bad about updating my blog lately, I wish I've had the energy to do it but I just haven't been able to sit down and write good posts the past few days. I guess i'm still exhausted from this year, everything catching up to me.

We toured the two recovery places today, I am 100% certain of the place I want to go to. I really liked it there, it was really nice, everything about it was great. It's this nice cute house, and everything about it is really welcoming- lots of windows, good furnishings, just overall really inviting and good. The other place was in this like office complex and didn't have any windows, there was a constant buzzing in the background of either sound diffusers or air conditioners (or maybe both), flourescent lights, their furniture wasn't very nice. The dining area/kitchen was absolutely horrible compared with the nice place which has a really awesome kitchen and seperate dining room. Everything about the place I liked was better than the other one.

So i'll be going for appointments to get the program set up on wednesday and friday, and start monday. And i'm hanging out with S on tuesday and thursday. Tomorrow i'm going to her house and we're making cookies, it will be really fun, and thursday we're going to the mall and doing some shopping!

I have been seriously lazy today besides the tours, when I got home I lay on the couch and basically watched shows on tv from 4 until 10, with maybe some time spent on the computer here and there. Well I think I need a break at least, I'm justified in laying on the couch for hours after everything that's happened this year :)

And other than that i've felt pretty bad tonight, not sure why. Just about everything, all the fun stuff I'm missing out on. The great life I could be having if all this didn't happen. Wondering why things even got like this. Why can't I just be happy? Why can't I be confident and fun and enjoy my life? Not have to worry about every little thing, just be able to live my life? I've been really upset about that tonight. I just want to be happy, is that too much to ask? I don't want to lose my teenage years, time that most people just take for granted. I've already lost half of my time in high school to depression and anorexia. And i'm afraid that the next two years will be the same. I want to be normal. Sometimes I would just give anything to be normal.

And a lot of the time I would just rather not exist. Because I want to be happy, But if i'm not, if I can't be, then what's the point in being here?

Sorry for the kinda down post.. but there's a bit of all the stuff on my mind right now. It's the truth and this is my blog so I'm going to write the truth about what's going on in my mind. I'm just going to go to sleep now, hopefully have a good time tomorrow and have a bit more energy to post and put up the loads of pictures I have waiting.

Stay strong, let's get out of this mess while we still can, not let ed or depression take away any more of our lives than they already have. x

Monday, June 11, 2012

Awesome concert!

Today my entire day was devoted to my orchestra concert!!

It was SUUUPER amazing!!! We played this extremely fancy venue that I go to watch famous professional orchestras a lot, it's so nice, and was so awesomely amazing to see the backstage and all. Whoa. I could just go on and on about it but I wouldn't want to bore you.. :)

The music itself was SO amazing to preform. We sounded great. It was overall a really astounding (used the thesaurus here!) experience.

And one of the things that made it so great also was that a lot of people came to watch and support me which was amazing :) my mum, dad, grandma, grandpa, and friend S all came together. And another family that we're really close with came, there's two girls who are twins the same age as me and their mum and dad, we've all been friends for 9 years now! So it was so completely awesome having them all there to watch me. I was so proud to show them what we'd been working so hard on, the great product of all those hours every friday night spent at rehearsal :) It's so fun preforming with orchestra. Getting to show people something you love, if there's some piece that you really love or something, sharing it with other people is just such an amazing feeling.

And S even brought me flowers :)

So that's what today's been, I was at the theatre from 11am till 7pm today :) and consequently eating has kind of gone completely out the window. But oh well. Can't do things right all the time.. i mean sometimes life just gets in the way.

Tomorrow we'll be taking tours of the two ED treatment centre places. So i'll definitely post about how that goes. And hopeuflly also finally have time and energy to post the pictures and such from this week.. no promises though, heheh :)

Hope you're all doing well! Goodnight, time for me to FINALLY be able to fall into my bed exhausted from this busy day :)

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Watch this!!

Wow, I came across this on tumblr, and it's just amazing. Watch this:

It's so beautiful. I want to learn to do this :)

Exhausted x34710897304298473

Hello readers!

If you can tell by the title.. well gosh i'm pretty darn exhausted right now :)

It's like the whole year has just caught up to me.

Wow, I didn't post yesterday.. I think that's the first time ever that I haven't done a post one day. Weird :) Well yesterday (friday) was the first day of summer, so of course I had to be at school at 8am, normal school start time :) because I had to do graduation band rehearsal. oh and just as a clarification it may have been confusing in my last post.. I wasn't graduating, I still have 2 years until I graduate, but a lot of close friends of mine were graduating. And I was playing in the band- pomp and circumstance over and over and over and over again- which was why I was at rehearsal and such. So that was actually really fun, even though it's kind of torture at the same time :) but really overall it's fun. Afterwards my friends and I went to a Japanese restaurant downtown (i walked downtown!! two days in a row walking downtown, woohooo! well there's my two walks finished for the week.) Which we go to all the time, it's SUPER yummy, I got a 2 piece lunch box with teriyaki salmon and tempura, also comes with rice, salad, and miso soup. I absolutely LOVE miso soup, it's one of my favourite things :) i didn't have much of the tempura, too oily and fried. But the teriyaki was delicious also. Yummy!! We had a lot of fun. Then we walked back to the school, stayed there in the sun a bit signing yearbooks and talking and taking picture. Then my dad picked up me and S, and we came back to my house where S and I lay on the couch watching Harry Potter 7 part 2! :) it was nice, and we also started planning the things we're going to do together this week before she goes to china (she's taking care of pandas on a preservation reserve thing!!!! LUCKY. wow.) and before I start my program, we'ree going to hang out every day :) and then it was back to graduation for the ceremony, it's so much fun, I love graduation, and had lots of fun with all my senior friends, took tons of pictures :) and after the ceremony I went late to my orchestra rehearsal. Then it was back home finally, and into bed!

Today. Did some errands in the morning. My grandma got here in the afternoon, she's staying until Monday, she came for my orchestra concert tomorrow. Which is going to be exciting, we're playing in this REALLY fancy place that like the professional famous orchestras play at, wow i'm so excited!!! It'll be an amazing concert :) so a bunch of my family is coming, and S is coming with my family, also another family that we're close with is coming to see. The rest of the day I pretty much spent napping. I've felt pretty down today, but I don't know I think i'm just totally exhausted. And I had a really nice talk with mum tonight before going to bed, I went and lay on her bed with her and we talked for 30 min or so just about lots of stuff in general, mostly ED stuff and everything going on. Whenever I do just let things out I realize how much it helps talking things over, not keeping it all inside.

So tomorrow's the concert, and monday we're taking tours of the two places I'm going to choose between for the recovery programs. And today I started with the antidepressants, gosh it was just this tiny pill but it took me 20 minutes or so to be able to finally take it because I was so terrified of it. And afterwards i pretty much had a huge panic/anxiety attack over it. :/ hopefully it will be easier to take tomorrow.

Oh and by the way I did awesome on all of my exams, got almost 100% on every one, i'll talk more about that another day :)

Now I should really be getting to bed, so goodnight! Hope you're all doing well, stay strong x

Friday, June 8, 2012

Exhausted but relieved!

It's so nice being out of school, so much relief :) it was a very nice day today. Took my last exams and then after school it was relaxing time! :) went downtown with a group of friends (yes a walk!! Hehe mum approved it) were going to go for sushi but it was too crowded so we got froyo. Then we had band practice for graduation, after that I went to S's house (around 3:30) and stayed till 8! Had fun sitting on the couch watching series and napping :) and we played a couple rounds of Mario kart, oh my gosh I am so absolutely horrible at that game!!! Overall a really nice fun day :)

Lying in bed on my mobile listening to music, but I'm going to sleep now, just wanted to write a quick post. Pictures will be tomorrow or Saturday. Darn I have to be at the school at 8am for graduation rehearsal. But it should be fun I mean it's hanging out with my friends basically :) an after rehearsal were going for sushi. Graduation later in the day, then orchestra rehearsal.

Lots of kinda conflicting thoughts in my head right now.. Bad things, wanting to work themselves back in. Just trying to hold onto this good summer feeling while I can!! :) goodnight!

Also.. Hehe it seems like everybody is doing vlogs all of a sudden. Not to go with the trend or anything, but what would you guys think if I did a vlog? Seems like it might be fun? :)

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Usch.. I just hate it when everything's going great, you have a great day. But then all of a sudden, you're alone in your room, and thoughts just start swirling in your mind. Everything seems overwhelming even when you were feeling great all day. I don't know it's just so weird. Freaking hate mood swings. I have like 34587930879 every day haha. Well i'm just going to go out and talk to mum a bit, wait for these bad feelings to pass, get to the good place I was in today once again.

I'll post in a bit when i clear my head a little :)

I am officially done with school!!

Hi readers, it is now officially summer for me!!! Just finished my chemistry final a few minutes ago, now sitting in class for the last 20 minutes going on the Internet and listening to my new addiction, The Fratellis on pandora on my mobile. :)

After school I'll drop by to say hi to Darin and bye for the summer. And then go out for a bite to eat with some friends before our 1:30 graduation band rehearsal :) after that maybe I'll get in S's car, just go to her house haha :) in fact, it is very likely that I will!! :)

Wearing a really cute dress right now. School is over, no more stress, the sun is shining, I'm listening too good music and am soon to see Darin and my friends- everything's good :)

Starting with the antidepressants on Sunday.. I'm kinda scared of them, but hopefully they'll help me! And if they don't we can just try something else! My summers sorted out, and I'm happy with my decision, I think it will help me. I'm on the path to recovery- feeling really optimistic right now, I don't see it at the moment but someday things will get better!! And that's what keeps me going :)
Last two exams are tomorrow.. maths and chem, my two hard ones >.< but i'm hoping they go well. japanese went great today, i'll be extremely surprised if I didn't get 100% :)

today was a good day, almost done with school! basically.. japnese exam, psych class (boring but yay last one! and she was telling us all these disturbing things about like psychopaths/sociopaths.. i'm now scarred from that class), stood out in the sun talking with some friends, got sunburned from 15 minutes on my feet and shoulders wow i burn so easily and now i'm getting a slight sun rash also ugh such sensitive fair skin, lunch/froyo with S which was fun, came home and took a bunch of photos which i'll post tomorrow, lay in bed for a few minutes to rest and watched a couple series from last night that i missed because of studying (pretty little liars summer premier!!), been studying the rest of the night pretty much. That's about it. Wore a super cute outfit today, as I said pics will be posted tomorrow when i'm not swamped with stuff to do.

last day of school tomorrow, wearing a dress, it's really cute!! bringing my camera to school for last-day pictures, we have to get up early so we can stop by the store to get some batteries on the way to school because my camera is out of battery power. then taking finals at school, spending time with friends and getting last yearbook signatures in. talking to Darin for a few minutes after school, which will be nice, then meeting up with some friends for lunch and then we have rehearsal at 1:30 for playing at graduation which is on friday. and afterwards maybe i'll come home with S or something :) so tomorrow should be a great fun day!!

oh and i cut my bangs today!! it's not really that noticeable, or at least not with my hair down, but hair up it looks really cute! side bangs, not short kinda long but it looks really nice with my hair up. yeah pictures will be posted tomorrow, look forward to it ;) hehe.

hope you're all doing well, enjoying the beginnings of summer and spending some time in the sun if you're on break yet! :)

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Answers!! (from FOREVER ago..)

Well I have FINALLY finished the answers to the question post I had a long time ago! Heheh sorry it's taken so long.. things have been quite hectic to say the least! :)

From Izzy:

When do you finish school?
Do you have any plans for summer?
Whats your favourite thing to do? i.e hobbies?

How did your parents find out about your anorexia?
What food is easiest to eat?
What food is your favourite? (Not Anas) 

I finish school in 2 weeks, on June 7 :) almost there!! This summer I'll probably be spending 3-5 days/week at a recovery center place.. as i've talked about in the past couple days :) but other than that nothing fun really is planned.. i'm probably going to be remodeling my room, which is exciting, and my friend S is going to help me :)

Hobbies.. hmm. Well I don't really enjoy doing anything.. the depression, overshadowing everything in my life. But there's things I like to do.. play piano, take photos, sketch/paint, study languages, maths/chem (haha! i'm weird, i know!). mostly things that can distract me and take my mind off everything :) also I love things like sitting with friends in the sun (wearing sunscreen because i get burned super easily, haha!), taking walks in the park, going on the swings. Hehe yes I love going on the swings at the park SO much, call me weird but I love it and i'm not ashamed :) also running I love, as you've probably also seen in the past couple weeks of posts about my lack of running :)

My parents found out because my best friend had me go in to the counsellors at school, and I told Darin everything. My depression had gotten extremely bad and I had come close to attempting suicide a couple times, he finally didn't know how to help me and couldn't handle helping me on his own. He could see that everything- the depression, ED, all of it- was just getting worse and worse. So he finally turned it over into the hands of professionals, and gosh if he hadn't done that, well there is a very high chance I would be dead right now either from suicide or heart attack/organ failure. So I am so grateful to him for that, he really did save my life by doing that. Even though everything has still been getting worse, well now it's different than before because I'm getting help and I actually have hope that i'm going to get better someday :) i just have to keep fighting.

Easiest to eat.. hmm. That would probably have to be seaweed.. okay does that even count as food? LOL. but that would be my answer for both actually, I think seaweed is so completely delicious!!! :) but if it had to be actual food.. hmm. This is going to sound like a really sick answer, but my favourite and easiest to eat is cucumbers. I've loved cucumbers my entire life, they've always been like my favourite food, haha! I'm a very odd person :) But I just think they're super refreshing and delicious!!

From Ali: (broken in two sections)

What are your ambitions in life?
Whats the most important thing to you?
What motivates you to recover?
Do you have any fear foods?
What's your biggest fear? (ana related or not)

Hmm, ambitions in life.. that's a big one :) I'd have to say traveling, what I want to do most in my life is to see the world and live other places, live all over Europe. And learn lots and lots of languages. And to be happy :) Most important thing I think is being happy, at the moment that's really all i'm asking for out of my life. Seems like as long as you're happy, well everything else will just kind of fall into place? Like when you're happy then you'll be okay with what happens, and have more control over your life and what you want. 

What motivates me to recover.. tough one. Hope definitely motivates me, that things will get better someday. My future and everything I want to do in my life. My friends/family, I want to get better so I don't have to be such a burden and that we can all have fun again :) 

Fear foods. Butter, i'm terrified of, it's really scary for me. Bananas are also really scary, not too sure why though. And nuts, i'm completely afraid of nuts or nut butters, I've never liked them my whole life and am kind of allergic to them- like it makes my mouth numb if I have them, but it's just an oral allergy so it's not dangerous at all, but it's still really scary. And just besides the allergy.. nuts are really scary. I'd say those are my main ones. 

What's your favourite tv program?
What type of music do you like?
How old are you?

Hmm I have a few favourite programs.. well this one I feel bad about but I absolutely LOVE Skins UK :) (generations 1 and 2, not 3 though). Like I feel like i shouldn't be watching it.. but I love it anyways.. :) and besides that, I watch some other shows with my mum on abc family, like Pretty Little Liars, Jane by Design, Switched at Birth, and Make It or Break It. Those are the only shows I really watch :) 

I like a lot of music.. I don't really know how to describe what I like. Not the mainstream music. Like kind of less popular but still really amazing music, people that actually have meaning and really good music. Coldplay, The National, The Fratellis, Bon Iver, Snow Patrol, Boys Like Girls, Train, The Script, The Killers, Aqualung, Eskimo Joe... the list goes on a really long time :) and also all my favourite songs.. wow so many. like those groups I love a ton of their songs, but there are a lot of songs also that I like individually, but not really the other music by that person. so remind me and i'll do a "my favourite music" post sometime!! :) That would be a fun post to do. 

Hmm I don't think i'm going to give my exact age on my blog.. the internets you know.. never know who will happen across it or something. Okay i'm actually not really sure what bad things that would do giving my age haha but oh well. I'll say i'm in between 14-17, and going into junior year of high school in August. 

From Agirl: (broken up into lots of sections)

What are your goals in life?
What dreams do you have? 
What gives you hope to keep going?

Goals in life I already wrote about, travels and living other places, such like that :) dreams of living in Europe, seeing the world. Speaking other languages even more naturally than my native language!! :) haha that's a weird dream to have? I don't know, I think it would be fun to spend so much time speaking in my other languages that I lose this one, okay that sounds so weird :) maybe you know what I mean? probably not.. oh well :) Hope to keep going.. ummm. Mostly from the people that tell me that it gets better. Like from my best friend who went through all the depression stuff, but now he's better and he tells me how it is being happy and I don't believe him.. :) and also from Darin a lot. And a huge part of it is from blogs, I can see how people have been in really bad places but are able to get better and straighten out their lives, and also I admire so many people because things are really bad but they're able to stay so strong :) you all inspire me to keep going!! 

Any tips on how to deal with anxiety?
Like Ali asked, do you have any fear foods?

Anxiety.. hmm. anxiety can be really hard to deal with. Like the main thing when you're getting lots of anxiety, is to just sit down and breathe. Put everything aside for a minute, clear your head. I have this really good exercise from Darin that helps with anxiety a ton. You sit in a chair, and try to relax every single muscle, close your eyes, and the most important part is to sit without your legs crossed and rest your arms with hands palm up on your legs. And you sit with your eyes closed and breathe for a few minutes. And it helps a ton. If you're really having a ton of anxiety or something, you can do this thing where you imagine everything you're worried about streaming out of your body through your hands. I don't know it sounds really weird, but it helps a ton!! And even just sitting like that for a few minutes every day, eyes closed and everything relaxed with palms up, it helps a ton with relaxing more. 

Fear foods I answered before too.. butter, bananas, nuts :)

Do you have any sisters or brothers?
How has your family taken this that you have anorexia, have they yelled or been supportive?
How have your friends reacted? Have you lost any?
Have you ever been bullied in school?

Nope, only child :) My family has been really supportive, they've been so awesome. I mean it was SUPERRRR awkward at first, the first couple weeks I'd say. It's taken a while for everything to get comfortable, it's still not like 100% comfortable really but it's getting normal. And there were a couple conflicts with my dad at first.. but everything's okay now :) i mean besides all the normal arguments and stuff between me and mum.. we get in a lot of arguments, but we get past it, it's just over like stupid things. 

Barely any friends know, only three. And they're really really supportive, haven't lost any :) i don't know if i'll ever really tell groups of people.. like there are people that I think, yes i'm going to tell this person what's going on eventually when I'm doing better, but i'm just not ready for it right now. 

Never really been bullied.. or I guess when I was young, I had some speech problems and mum says that people would actually make fun of me and be mean to me a lot and such.. i don't really remember it though? hmm. so not really that I remember but according to mum i actually had kind of a hard time when I was younger. And then there have been a couple people through elementary/middle school (two that i can think of) okay actually yeah these two people bullied me a lot up through first year of middle school. But i tried not to let it affect me TOO much. I don't know, bullying has never really been a huge problem for me though, or I've had hard times sometimes but it's just not a huge thing in my life, I don't feel like it affectts me much. 

Are you close to your goal weight to get declared healthy?
What do you do to try and cheer yourself up when having a bad day?
Any good recovery blogs that you can tips us about?
How do you do to not let Ana, win, like at meal times and so?

I actually don't know my weight. And I don't know what my goal weight or anything is. I'm not allowed to know any of the numbers for anything pretty much. Which is a good thing really even if if drives me crazy sometimes :) but I do know that i'm nowhere close, I've only been in recovery for a couple months (since I started this blog) and now i'm still really on the brink of being admitted to the hospital. Just doing well enough to stay out of the hospital, just improving enough to stay out. So i'm nowhere near it I assume :) 

Hmm.. well if I'm having a bad day I usually just go to sleep or something, or do something to distract myself like painting/piano/maths/chem. And just wait it out to the next day, see if things get better. 

There's lots of good blogs out there! Go to my blogger profile here and check out the blogs I follow.. also you can see the people I've done link exchanges with here. :) 

At meal times and such i just try to push out all the ana thoughts. Think about other things. Just not even letting Ana into my mind :) it helps like talking while eating, to friends or parents or something. Or reading, working, watching a show/movie. Doing things to distract yourself. 

Do you have something special that you really wanna do when you are recovered but can't at the moment?
What do you do to feel beautiful and good about yourself despite what Ana says about you?

Oh my gosh.. so many things to do when I'm recovered.. Go running go running go running go running go running. Wow I want to go running :) haha! Also being able to walk where I want, when i want. Hanging out with my friends in town/being able to go down to the park with friends or by myself, walking trails, biking around. Swimming. Being able to move again. And then also there's the things I hope to do like travel and being able to focus more on my work, all that. Maybe get a boyfriend?? ;D one can always hope! LOL. nope not me, i'm forever alone over here :) 

Most of the time I try to just not even let Ana go in my mind. Not spending a bunch of time in the mirror, just paying attention to more important things in life. Accentuating good things helps, as in if you like your hair spending a little more time on your hair in the morning, or if you have nice eyes maybe putting on a bit of makeup or something fun like that to make them stand out a little more. (not saying that you should wear makeup all the time or something.. okay actually i'm kind of against makeup, i barely ever wear it, or not really against but I just don't think people need it. But it is fun to wear sometimes!! :) okay maybe i'll also write a post with my makeup opinions sometime, remind me! Wearing outfits you feel really confident in is great. Like it's amazing how much an outfit can boost your confidence/mood for a whole day. And no I don't mean a baggy sweatshirt or something you can hide in, I mean a super cute outfit that looks great and you feel good in :) even pushing your comfort zone can be a good thing a lot! Wearing something even if you're not totally comfortable in it, and you realize you actually can be confident, it's not that bad wearing something fitting/not baggy! :)

From Kate:

What do you want to do when you leave high school?
Do you have any favourite quotes?
What do you find always cheers you up?

I want to travel the world!!! :) I want to go to university. Not sure what I want to study right now, my whole future is a big uncertain right now. But it's kind of fun like that, everything's wide open? :) so many options!! But right now i'm actually really wanting to do a gap year as a foreign exchange student before entering university, for lots of reasons... okay i've been meaning to do a post on that also for a few weeks now, so remind me to do that too! :) 

Hmm I can't really think of any quotes. but one i've been hearing recently on some Above The Influence commercials I really like, it's "The obstacles that you face don't have half the strength that you have." 

Weather change always cheers me up! I absolutely love rain.. when it rains.. I get super excited and hyper and I just love it so much :) But then also when it is sunny out for the first time in a while, I love that too, being in the sun just feels so good. But I don't like long stretches of the same weather. I don't really like sunny/hot weather after a month or so of it.. and same with rain, I always love it but it just gets a bit dreary I have to admit after a couple months. Really random answer but that's what I thought of! :)

Ask away if you have any more questions :) and sorry again for the long wait, at least I finally got to it though!! :)