hmm today was interesting as you could see from some of my other posts. School was good. Felt really good earlier actually, lots of pepp. And I was feeling quite proud of myself actually for having done so well lately, being so motivated in my recovery. Wanting to get better and actually working really hard even though it's practically impossible and totally sucks and makes me feel horrible and all that. hehe i'm making recovery sound very desirable aren't I? :)
But then a little while after I got home the drama with E came about :/ and soon after that I had group, which was really not good. I'm not going to be doing group anymore. It just makes me feel horrible. I was almost crying during group because I didn't want to be there, didn't want to hear or think about the things we were talking over. The activities were only making me feel worse about myself, bringing about more negative voices. It's kind of that, I have already learned to manage all the negative thoughts about myself. I can manage the thoughts about my body, I can get them out of my mind, I can get all the negative self-talk to go away. It's not a major problem for me right now. I have so much more for my mind to be on right now than all of that. I'm too depressed to even be thinking any of that right now, at the moment i'm just trying to get day to day. I'm past the negative talk, I mean it's still there but I've learned to look past it. Know that it's not true, not let my life be ruled by it. Just keep it out of my mind.
But in group, that's all we're talking about. Self-image, society's standards, all that stuff. It's kind of less of a support group and more educational it seems.. like teaching us about all that stuff, "exploring the truth" kind of thing. Proving that it's not true. But the thing is that I know all the stuff we're talking about. I already know all of it. I don't need to be there. And I thought after the first two sessions (of 6), well I might as well keep going, it's not like it's doing anything bad. I'm just not necessarily learning anything. But then today on our third session, we were doing all this stuff about our personal self-image, how we see ourself, all the negative self-talk type stuff. Things that I just didn't even want to think about, didn't want to let my mind go to. And then it got worse. We were doing this activity where we basically had to write down everything bad that we thought about ourselves on a piece of paper. And then we had to share our list with the group, and then everybody talked about each thing and kind of tried to "disprove" whatever it was. Basically it was total crap. It was fucking bringing back the bad voices. Saying i'm not good enough. I'm a failure. I'm fat. I'm ugly. I felt like crying. I didn't want to think about it. I had gotten to a point where I don't even have those thoughts most of the time, when I do I just dismiss them. But here it they were encouraging them to come back, making me say all this bad stuff about myself. I was on the verge of tears. I almost left. I wished I could. I didn't want to stay any longer for them to draw out some other bad thoughts I would rather just leave behind, things I've finally gotten over. But I didn't know how, I didn't know what I could do to leave. I was just sitting there practically in tears with my mind brought back to a place that I didn't want it to be.
So as soon as I got in the car to go home, I told mum that I'm not going back to group. It's doing bad things for me. And she's sent an email tonight that I'm not going back. Gosh I've had horrible therapy experiences so far.
During group I kind of stopped participating, I barely talked or responded when they asked me things and didn't really contribute to the discussions. And afterwards I tried to just clear my mind of everything that we talked about during group. Because of course along with the bad voices came, you need to restrict now. You need to stop eating so you can be perfect. No no no. Those voices can go away. I'm doing well right now. I'm winning against anorexia. I'm doing things right, I'm getting better again finally. I'm motivated, I want to get better. I want to be free. It mostly worked. I still have some of the things we were saying echoing around in my mind. It's still there. Brought back out to a more prominent place than where it was all hidden away before. But I think I can control it. I hope I can. Otherwise things are going to get bad fast.
Took some pictures today (while I was feeling good after school)!
(haha looks like i'm not wearing shorts- don't worry I am :))
Had to figure out what to wear to my honor scholar ceremony tomorrow. Trying on outfits.. but i'm actually not going with either or these, i'll post a picture of my actual outfit tomorrow :)
And then it was on with the sweatshirt and comfortable shorts!
Today's pictures of my kitty.. awh she was really sleepy so she barely noticed there was a camera in her face, usually she doesn't tolerate this :)
Tonight's dinner adventure: Savory flavoured tofu!
It is safe to say that it was quite disgusting! haha!
Put it on a salad. The tofu was really a horrible flavor.. I only ate 2/3 of the tofu, had some milk with a protein drink powder stuff mixed in, enough to complete my protein serving. Because really the taste of this tofu made me gag! :)
And finally.. i'm working on the questions, I promise :) they'll be up as soon as I can get them finished, no promises about when though, i'm pretty booked up right now! Nutritionist tomorrow, plus I have to read the entire Never Let Me Go book (supposed to have a discussion with my teacher about the book tomorrow but I can't because of the ceremony, so it will be on wednesday. but I kind of need to read the book first!).
It's kind of funny how memories can fade so easily. Fade and change when new things happen. (Talking about E here.) We had such great times together. Best friends. We were so amazing. And then what happened? Talking about this, I always just get this song stuck in my head, so I might as well put it in the post:
That's it for tonight! Hope you're doing well. God natt :)