Tuesday, May 29, 2012

And there goes my good day, positive energy, pepp, good thoughts..

Well as you just read in the title.. i had a pretty good day. until now.

stupid stuff with my best friend. apparently he has a girlfriend now.. wtf. (lots of new readers lately, you probably don't know about the whole backstory.. basically. lots of stupid drama. that i really don't want to explain.) but pretty much i'm sitting crying/barely breathing again as maybe you remember happening before.. yeah not fun stuff.

times like these, i want nothing more than to go out and run. i just fucking want to throw on my running shoes and go. my best coping mechanism. and it's been taken away from me because if i went out and ran right now i would have a fucking heart attack. heck they say if i go out and walk too much i'll have a heart attack. the thing that makes me feel best.. is now not allowed. i just want to go out and run. run from everything. run to clear my head. run to get away for a little bit and feel better afterwards. feel that nice tiredness but an energetic kind of tiredness. like your muscles have been used well. your body has been used how it's meant to. instead of sitting like a lump all freaking day. i didn't realize how dependant i was on running, how good it made me feel, until it's been taken away from me. and i definitely won't be able to again for at least half a year.. probably more like a year. i mean right now we're looking at goals like.. 3 20 minute walks per week by the end of summer! woohoo let's go. no. i want to run. i just fucking want to run. 

Sorry for all the swearing/ranting.. but that's what's on my mind right now. nothing compares to running. i need to run. 

and i feel the walls going up, shutting people out.. but i realized this was happening and stopped that feeling.. hopefully i can keep the walls away, because that's just not going to solve anything is it. and i'm also getting that throat closing up feeling when i'm really upset and just can't eat. like i can't eat when i feel upset like this. i just can't.

usch no therapy today thankfully, going to group now though :/ more later.

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