Sunday, April 1, 2012

Why does this have to continue?

My day turned out kind of bad :/ in the morning I got up pretty late, and ended up sitting around the house for a little while, doing a little blogging/emailing and listening to music. Mum and I then decided to go to a neighboring town at the ocean to do a little looking in shops and sitting on the beach. Before she left she insisted on me eating a banana and piece of whole wheat bread, which was a good thing because otherwise I would have had nothing to eat all day until dinner.

Looking at clothes was fun but got pretty tiring, and I get really discouraged a lot of the time because I wish I had the confidence to wear all these amazing clothes I loved but I just don't. I didn't even end up trying anything on all day, even though we looked in 6 or 7 shops :/ but I saw so much that I loved and wished I could have/wear. And about halfway through (we walked around for about 2.5 hours) I started to get extremely dizzy+unfocused, and extremely irritable with my mum. I also got a pretty bad headache and was in a terrible mood. So the rest of the time was just not fun. She tried to get us a little snack or something but I refused, we went into a bagel shop but I said no, I'm not going to get anything. I said the bagels didn't look good since it was so late in the day and they were made in the morning, but really that was just ana speaking, the bagels were perfectly fine looking back on it. And I refused to have anything else she suggested.

Both pretty irritated with each other at this point, we called my dad and asked him if he wanted to meet us for dinner. We went and sat on the beach (pictures below) while waiting for him to get there, and I was still extremely irritable. I refused to sit down and just stood there next to my mum who was taking a nap in the sun (okay I was really being weird?? err.) My dad finally got there after about 10 minutes and we went in to eat, I got a fish sandwich (Tilapia, lettuce, onion, lemon juice, herb focaccia bread) which was really good, and it came with fries that I only ate a few of. Then we drove the half hour back home, and I took a nap in the car. When I woke up after having eaten and slept, I was in a much better mood than before. I'm pretty worn out from the long day though. The rest of my night has just been finishing schoolwork I have left, but I don't really want to be doing that right now. I have a chem test tomorrow though so I kind of have to do it :/ And I also have a japanese paper due.

So I probably won't get around to writing the "about me" tonight, since I'm hoping to go to bed in about an hour and my work/studying will take up at least that amount of time. I'll definitely do that tomorrow though! :)

Yes I know my thumb got in some of the pictures -.- 
Feel free to laugh at me all you want. 

And if you're wondering, I've finally decided that yes, I will be posting pictures of myself in my blog :) So I'll be starting that with my "about me" post, and then after that it'll probably become just a normal thing to include pictures of myself that day in my posts. 

And finally: 18 days until I go to the eating disorder clinic. The ana part of me translates that to- 18 days to lose as much weight as possible. :/ So I'm not sure how things will go between now and then. We'll see! I'm most likely going to talk to my counsellor tomorrow during second class (hopefully she remembers to send me the pass?? hah. I think she will.) And hopefully talking to her a lot will be able to get me through and keep me under control until then. Keep me from doing something crazy or stupid :) 

So good night/good morning to you, hope everything's well! :) 

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