Saturday, April 7, 2012

So trapped.

I'm feeling completely trapped right now. Not being allowed to walk around at all. I realized today, I spend most of my time walking around. It is what I do with my friends in my spare time. I walk down to my school to meet some friends, then we go and walk to get some food. Walk to the park. Walk up some trails. Walk through town to look at some stores. Walk to a friend's house to do something there. Walking around is all that my friends and I do together, but we don't even think of it as walking, it's just- going to get food, going to the park, going to their house, going to a shop. My town is so small that walking is part of our lives- most people walk home, walk around town, everything is walking and nobody even thinks about it.

And now all of a sudden- I'm not even allowed to do the 20 minute walk home after school, which is one of the best parts of my day. It's my time to think about everything, relax, be out in the world before I go focus on studying and music at home. When I'm too stressed out, I'll take a walk out in town or in the park. If I need a book or anything, I'll walk down to the library. Basically, I hate being in the house, I feel so trapped and lazy if I spend too much time indoors, so much of my time is spent out of my house.

The times I'm feeling worse are always when I'm trapped inside. When I'm outside with friends, breathing fresh air and seeing different things than the usual, I feel better than usual, the depression and everything else is manageable instead of overpowering.


And also, now there will be lots of people asking why i can't walk around with them afterschool. Go downtown and get some tea or crepes. Walk around and talk a bit. What do I say to them, now that suddenly my activity level is limited to walking from class to class at school. There will be lots of questions.. usually I'm a very active person. And almost every day I'll be walking around with one friend or another. What do i tell them??? I think I'll probably just say something like.. I'm sick. I'm not supposed to be doing too much activity at the moment, so I can get better. And it's going to be like that for a little while, to make sure I'm getting better.  I'm not so sure they'll totally believe me.. they'll definitely ask more questions. Why are you so sick? It can't just be a cold or something? What's going on? I'll just stay vague. Maybe tell them a little.. but not everything. Not about my ED.

And also. The doctor said that if I continued like I have been. Then it was highly possible that sometime in the next couple weeks, my heart would have failed. That is so scary to think. That if I hadn't gone to the doctor yesterday, then I could just be walking home one day, or going out for a run, and my heart could just stop. I could collapse. If I was out on a run, and was on a trail or somewhere that there aren't other people.. I could die. Thinking of all the times that I've been walking home, and completely exhausted, feeling like I was going to fall over. Going out on a run and barely being able to get enough breath into me, feeling my heart working so hard to keep up but pushing myself further up more hills, adding more miles. It's terrifying.

My shadow during a walk

On the swings

My friend and I at the park
(me on the left)


During summer- my friend and I in a sprinkler at the park
(me on the right)


  1. Hi :)
    I know how it feels about feeling trapped. When you cant go out, cant just go for a walk..
    Like for a whole year, i wasnt allowed any activity at all.. of course that didnt stop me fomr trying.
    But just get through this.. its for your health. It wont always be like this, when your not so underwieght, and when your eating right.. then you'll be allowed to walk, and have activity. Start running again.

    Eating 6 times a day, its hard... it feels like your always eating.. always full. I know how that is.. but its just to eat anyway.
    And to find solutions.. if you can bring with you like cereal bars/flapjacks/smoothies/yoghurt&muslie pots (dunno if you have them where you live)... things like that. So that you dont always have to be home? but i guess if your not allowed activity.. you'll just be at home anyway?

    How does your meal plan look? i.e what & how much do you eat?

    I hope you have a good day.. whatever you get up to:)
    Watcha good film.. or something. Read a good book! :)

    Ohh.. do you still play flute as often. .and all the concerts? It seemed so stressy your schedule before?
    How is that now?

    Have a good day!

    1. I'm still going to school, at school I'll be bringing my morning snack and lunch with me, which mum will be packing. Not sure what it will be yet. Yeah, we have yogurt/muslie things here, they're really good :) she'll probably pack some kind of bread with cheese on it, like some little sanwiches or something. And maybe a granola/protein bar, some kind of fruit, not too sure? In the morning it'll be like a piece of toast with nutella or cheese and half a banana or maybe some muslie with yogurt and milk, something like that. Not sure about afterschool snack, and dinner is usually like some kind of chicken/fish dish with potatoes or rice and some kind of green. Night snack is a yogurt or bread with cheese or something like that. What i'm worried about is the morning snack, lunch, and afternoon snack because I'm not sure if I'll be able to eat it myself, since I'm responsible for it and those are really what will determine if i'll have to stay in the hospital- they said they'd be able to tell if I hadn't eaten it :/

      But all of that is just for the next few days. On Wednesday i'm back to the clinic for them to do all the tests and such again and see how I did. And i don't know if things will change- if they've gotten a lot worse, maybe I'll have to stay at the hospital? I'm not sure, i'm really afraid of that happening :/ But then right after my appointment at the clinic we're to an appointment at the nutritionist, where we'll be figuring out a meal plan and all of that. So I'll post about my meal plan and all they tell me on wednesday (either that or i'll be posting from a hospital?? :s really hope not)

      And you asked earlier, the place i'm going to doesn't do inpatients, it's just outpatients and like check-up appointments, things like that. It's kind of an office/private practice within a larger hospital, so if things are too bad then I would be staying at the hospital.. or i'm not really sure, something like that?

      I haven't been playing flute for the past couple weeks, and we've taken a break from the past few lessons and orchestra rehearsals. But I'm not too sure when I'll be starting up with it all again. We want to keep it less pressure and less stressed, because we really need to focus on the other problems and it won't help if I have a bunch of other stress. But I do have some events coming up that I have to play at, so not too sure what will be happening. And then it also depends how well I do with the eating, if I'm allowed to stay at home or what happens. I'll write a post about everything that's going on with flute :) (i mean, there's not much else to do today.. i guess i'll write some blog posts! and I still have to write the post about going to the doctor on friday too... putting it off a little maybe? hehe).

      I'm so glad to hear that your easter went well this year! :)