And now all of a sudden- I'm not even allowed to do the 20 minute walk home after school, which is one of the best parts of my day. It's my time to think about everything, relax, be out in the world before I go focus on studying and music at home. When I'm too stressed out, I'll take a walk out in town or in the park. If I need a book or anything, I'll walk down to the library. Basically, I hate being in the house, I feel so trapped and lazy if I spend too much time indoors, so much of my time is spent out of my house.
The times I'm feeling worse are always when I'm trapped inside. When I'm outside with friends, breathing fresh air and seeing different things than the usual, I feel better than usual, the depression and everything else is manageable instead of overpowering.
And also, now there will be lots of people asking why i can't walk around with them afterschool. Go downtown and get some tea or crepes. Walk around and talk a bit. What do I say to them, now that suddenly my activity level is limited to walking from class to class at school. There will be lots of questions.. usually I'm a very active person. And almost every day I'll be walking around with one friend or another. What do i tell them??? I think I'll probably just say something like.. I'm sick. I'm not supposed to be doing too much activity at the moment, so I can get better. And it's going to be like that for a little while, to make sure I'm getting better. I'm not so sure they'll totally believe me.. they'll definitely ask more questions. Why are you so sick? It can't just be a cold or something? What's going on? I'll just stay vague. Maybe tell them a little.. but not everything. Not about my ED.
And also. The doctor said that if I continued like I have been. Then it was highly possible that sometime in the next couple weeks, my heart would have failed. That is so scary to think. That if I hadn't gone to the doctor yesterday, then I could just be walking home one day, or going out for a run, and my heart could just stop. I could collapse. If I was out on a run, and was on a trail or somewhere that there aren't other people.. I could die. Thinking of all the times that I've been walking home, and completely exhausted, feeling like I was going to fall over. Going out on a run and barely being able to get enough breath into me, feeling my heart working so hard to keep up but pushing myself further up more hills, adding more miles. It's terrifying.
|My shadow during a walk|
|On the swings|
|My friend and I at the park|
(me on the left)
|During summer- my friend and I in a sprinkler at the park|
(me on the right)