Friday, April 6, 2012

A lot is happening very suddenly.

Gosh, the past two weeks have been so completely crazy. So much has happened in such a short period of time. And everything keeps getting crazier. Maybe things can settle down someday? (please?).

So I need to write about everything that happened yesterday- it was a crazy day.

I woke up totally without the motivation to do anything, like how I was feeling the night before when I wrote that really upset post. I did get up and decide to go to school though, mainly because I wanted to talk to my counsellor (I think that was the reason, can't quite remember though). So I got through my Japanese class, and then during study period I first went to my English teacher to ask about an assignment that wasn't clear. Then I went and asked about seeing my counsellor during next class, they said they'd send me a slip as soon as possible during the class, so I went and sat on some couches and finished my chemistry homework that was due third class. And I might as well just say, my counsellor's name is Darin, it's easier just calling her that than "my counsellor" all the time :) And also seems kind of like, "my counsellor" is so general and official, but i've gotten really close with her by now and it doesn't really feel right to just call her that? Anyways :)

During my second class, which was Psychology, we were doing group presentations of the video projects we made. I got my slip about 15 minutes after class started (so 10,30) and we were still prepping for our presentations. I told my psych teacher and group that I would be back in 30-45 minutes, not thinking my visit would take too long, and the teacher said we could present as soon as I get back. I went down to talk to Darin, and I basically told her everything that I said in my post the night before (this post) and about how horrible I've been feeling lately, how it's so hard to even go on. And I also ended up telling her about my thoughts of killing myself during winter break (with pills) and of the rope a couple weeks ago, which pretty much completely scared her. She brought in her advisor (like the head counsellor) and they both talked to me. And then they decided that they needed to call in an EMQ person (kinda like an emergency counsellor that does evaluations and comes for crisis and stuff) as well as my mum to come in. I was pretty nervous by this point, but also glad that I had gone in and expressed how I was feeling, because really I didn't have any idea what to do anymore or how and why I should go on. I was (and still pretty much am) completely hopeless that I'd ever get better, at least from the depression. That it's just how I am.

So they called both, my mum didn't pick up at first so they left a message but she called back again later and they told her she needed to come. At that point it was 11,05 or so, and I said to Darin that I needed to go to do my presentation. She was really reluctant to let me go, and actually thought it was really funny that all this is happening and yet what I'm worried about is getting to class to do my presentation. She talked with the head counsellor, about if it would be okay to let me go, and they decided that yes I could go do my presentation but I had to come right back as soon as I finished. Or else they would have to like send some campus guard person to come find me- aah??? I told them I should be back in 10-15 minutes, I promised I would come right back asap.

I went to do my presentation, which went well, and then came back with my backpack and all- my  psych teacher thought it was kind of weird, heheh, I haven't been to that class in ages it seems. Because I always leave during it, every day during the past few weeks. I talked to Darin for a while, then the guy got there and Darin talked to him seperately, to fill him in on everything. Then mum got there and he and mum talked for about 45 minutes. I had no idea what they were talking about, and I was sitting out in the office chairs (like in the main room of the office) writing the post that I put up yesterday during school. I would have probably been talking to Darin, but there was another student that wanted to talk to her so she was dealing with that and I was left out in the office. Finally I went in to talk to the EMQ guy, it was just the same kinda thing- him asking me a ton of questions, me answering, etc etc. And the possibility of him having me put in the hospital for a 72-hour hold.. AAAHHH. no thanks.  And thankfully.. i'm not in a hospital :) haha. But that was pretty scary, the thought of that. Then we all talked in a billion different combinations. During my talk with him, Darin and mum talked. Then I talked with Darin and him. Him and my mum, me and Darin. Me and him and my mum (during which my mum was crying a ton.. not a fun experience). Him and mum. Me and him and Darin. Me and Darin, mum and him. Basically, we combined in every way possible I think :) And we were talking for hours and hours.. my throat seriously hurt by the end of it. I was exhausted, and probably starting to get sick at that point also, adding to the exhaustion. We made this like safety plan thing, and all this stuff. Also, Darin called the eating disorder clinic and got them to make an appointment for me tomorrow.. AAH. So soon. I'm really nervous for it. Usch.

So we were finally done with it all at 3. Oh yeah, and I talked about this yesterday I think, but I had to go to the restroom but I was afraid to ask them since everyone was busy doing things and I didn't know when they would need me, and I knew they would freak out if I just left or something and then noticed I wasn't there. So finally after I talked to the guy the first time, then I asked if I could go use the restroom.. And this was super awkward, but I had to be escorted. to use the restroom. ?????? I mean. I completely understand why and all. But still, it's right across the hall, I was just thinking.. Seriously??. So Darin took me over to use the restroom, haha. I guess I just have to get used to all of that kind of thing though :)

Well, that was everything that happened yesterday! Pretty eventful. And tomorrow is to the eating clinic, it's a half hour drive away but there's probably going to be a bunch of traffic and we also have to make photocopies of all the billions of forms we filled out tonight. (also not a fun experience, mum's been crying a lot these days..). And we also have to find the place, because we don't know exactly where it is, we've never really been in that area. So we're going to have to leave the house around 7,15 or so. Again, uschhhh. My appointment's at 9 and should for about 3 hours. And oh yeah, I forgot to mention that they're closed on Fridays, and they made a special exception for me tomorrow-- so I'm going to be the only one there, me and the staff. ummm? scary much? Hopefully I'll be able to make it back to school in time for my last class, chemistry, because I really don't want to fall behind. Oh and I'm going to have to miss my Japanese national test tomorrow, which can only be taken this week, so I won't be able to take it at all.. and I'm the only person in my class that actually has a chance at doing well on it, everybody else is going to completely fail. So my teacher is pretty disappointed that I won't be there tomorrow. And I'm really pissed I won't get to take it, I was looking forward to being able to take it, see how well I could do because I studied for it and I'm confident I could do really well in it. At least we're not even doing anything in my other class that i'll be missing, psych, we never do anything in that class :) And afterschool I go straight to a music competition, then straight to orchestra rehearsal after that. So I won't be home at all from 7AM to 10PM. yay..

I might as well just include today. Well nothing special.. School, home, then tonight I played a concert which went well, rest of the night was spent filling out all the piles of forms for tomorrow and drinking vanilla tea with honey for my throat, and it's feeling a bit better now.

That's it for today, I'll probably be posting more tomorrow during the car rides and all. Hoping things will go well... (and sorry for no pictures at all but I really need to be getting to sleep now, busy day tomorrow.)

1 comment:

  1. What an awful & long day... But tis good that you opened up. You should get the help you need. Doesnt sound like fun having to be escorted to the bathroom? But i guess they never know.. i've had the same.
    opening up and saying that you're dperssed, having suicidal thoughts.. isnt easy. And it isnt easy afterwards either.. but it does get better.
    Your depression should pas when you start getting more energy adn eating right. And letting go of stress helps aswell.
    Stress can cause depression... and i dealt with my stress by not eating.. but that doesnt help anything.. that just makes things worse.

    Good luck at the eating clinic.. i hope it goes well!! - Of course, its never a fun expereince..
    but its the help you need. :)

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