Sunday, April 8, 2012

I don't know what to hope for.

I thought Mum had forgotten about my night snack, but then when I was getting ready for bed at 10,45 she comes and knocks on my door saying my night snack is ready. uschhh. At least it wasn't too big- 3 apple slices (she cut the apple in eighths, so it was 3/8 of an apple). She originally had 4 apple slices and a baguette slice with brie, but she thought that was too much after all, thank you mum. 

I'm not sure how tomorrow will go. Have to get up early to have time for breakfast in the morning- probably a bowl of muslie or a toast with nutella or something like that. And probably with a banana half :/ Snack is going to be a slice of banana bread (which we baked tonight, looks really good and apparently smells good- i wouldn't know, i'm still really stuffy from being sick!). Lunch is a piece of whole wheat bread with some turkey and cheese on it. Afterschool snack is a yogurt (this is the one of everything that I'm most confident I could handle if I didn't have the rest of it, but if I have the others, i'm not sure? ughh i'll try to manage all of it though. or will I?). Then there's dinner, I think we're having cheese tortellini with some olive oil and garlic on it. I get a lot of anxiety over that meal, but at least it tastes really good. And night snack will probably be the other half of the apple that I had just now.

Not looking forward to tomorrow at all... i'll probably post from school at some point (probably when i'm freaking out about everything i have to eat haha).

And also there's the bus home from school. I'm not sure if I'll take the bus or just walk after all? I'm having so many bad thoughts about everything tomorrow. My mind is thinking through all these ways I can cheat. It's like a game or something, balancing everything out. Calculating everything up to how I want. I'm just trying to avoid thinking about any numbers though.. I haven't calculated how many calories the whole day will be, it would be super easy, I could do it right now just in my head but I'm preventing myself from doing that. Saying, no, i'm not going to get sucked into the numbers. I hope i'll end up taking the bus tomorrow, because really it's dangerous for me to take the mile walk home? That's so absurd to me though. It's really hard to believe. And at the same time, I get lots of anxiety about going on the bus too- making sure I have the right coins to pay, other people being there, finding a place to sit (possibly next to another person?? aah..) And a lot of the time there are hobos or something on the bus which is really scary. I really hate public transit in general. I mean it can be really convenient and nice to get somewhere. And you can pretty much get anywhere with it. But it can be really scary also. Like one time I had to take the bus every day into another town to be a teacher at this music camp, but one day the bus missed my stop and took me to some really far away town and I didn't know where I was, it was also a pretty sketchy area and I was stuck there for about half an hour before the next bus left. AAH. I mean nothing like that will happen with this bus because the worst is that it will take me past my stop and I'll be left off at another stop that's still easy walking distance from my house. Okay, that turned into a really long rant about public transit... oops :)

Also, relating to the title of the post... right now, there's half of me that's saying, I want to get worse. I want to have to go stay in the hospital. That means you're succeeding. You're winning against all those people, you're winning against your body, you're winning against life. The side searching for ways to skip meals, the side that was hoping mum forgot about my night snack today. The voice telling me, you shouldn't take the bus when walking home should take you even closer to your goal (my goal of having a heart failure while walking though town?? what.) But then of course there's the logical and good side saying, you don't want to have to go to the hospital, you want to get better, that's what you've always wanted, what's changed so suddenly? But I can feel the bad side quickly getting stronger. Taking hold of me again. I don't want that to happen. It can be so hard to stop though. So right now both sides are so set against each other that I don't know what to be hoping for- hoping I lost weight and need to stay in the hospital? hoping I can stay out of the hospital and get better so I can start doing the things I miss like walking around town and going for jogs again? or even just getting better so that I don't die in the next couple weeks? (um that sounds so bad...)

Well anyways, it's definitely time to get to bed by now, I was planning on going to bed at 10 and now it's 11,30.. again, oops :) Well i'm going to get in bed and study grammar for 5 minutes and then go to sleep (I have a grammar quiz tomorrow :/). Hoping things go well tomorrow (what is well? following everything correctly or cheating?) x

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