Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Help.

I guess I have a little more to write in addition to that last post...

It is kind of bugging me that it seems like the whole focus has been on my eating disorder after my parents/counsellor found out. That right away we scheduled appointments for the eating disorder clinic, to have my health check and all that to figure out where to go from there. But it seems that nobody's paying attention to what's going on in my head, like the focus has all been on my eating disorder and nothing has even been mentioned at all about the depression. Which in my opinion, my depression is far far worse of a problem right now than any of the food problems. Yes, we have all these supposed "support networks" with the counsellors and my parents keeping a closer watch on me, but all of that was caused by the eating disorder. They aren't even paying attention that I've completely died on the inside, that I'm so full of pain and miserable right now that I can barely do anything. Why does nobody care about that?

When they first found out and we were talking to the counsellor, we were talking about how we need to make sure I'm supported and feel like I have lots of places to go if I need help, that everybody's here to help me. But now somehow, now that everybody's trying to help me, I feel more alone than I've ever felt in my life. They're wanting to help me, but in doing that it's almost like they're paying less attention to how i'm feeling because it's all about the eating disorder. They want to help, but I feel like nobody's making any big effort to find out how things are for me.

The first few days after they found out, I was hopeful, optimistic, looking forward to getting better. But now, everything has turned completely around. Things are worse now than they were before anybody knew. I'm more alone now than I was then, I'm more trapped than ever.

Somebody help me, I don't even know what to do anymore.

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