Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Everything went wrong.

I'm really needing to get to bed, i'm so completely exhausted. But i'll just give a basic of what happened today.

I already posted earlier from school so that part of my day was already covered (i think? can't quite remember what i wrote though.)

Well at the doctor. Apparently I lost a pound in the 5 days since my last visit. And my heart rate went down as well. Now my heart rate is dangerously low, it's at 54. Just 4 beats lower and I'm going to be admitted to the hospital. Hopefully we can keep it up. But basically heart rate and weight are dangerously low and I could have a heart attack or something really easily, and at only 4 beats lower I will have to stay at the hospital (only 4 beats lower..??? scared.) Sorry i've been really redundant.. it's just hard to believe all this info. saying it over and over again, still not totally taking it in. like.. is this even really happening?

so complete activity cut besides walking from classes, ALL meals are now supervised and i pretty much am not allowed to be left alone. and this next week (appointment next thursday) how i do will determine if i stay at the hospital or not. this is kind of the point where, if I do well then things can turn around. but if i don't, then things spiral down, down, down. and i could die. i could die in a week. i don't even believe that, it's crazy. i try to, but i just.. i can't believe that could really happen? so right now.. well the focus is keeping me alive.

and honestly i'm just feeling like a burden right now. i hate seeing my mum cry all the time. i hate the way she looks at me. it hurts so much to see her in so much pain. and all the money we're having to pay, all the time taken for appointments, everything in general. i can't help but think.. things would be better off without me?

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