I'm looking at videos/recordings of my flute performances and practicing from a couple months ago. Everything was going so well. I was improving so much, and had gotten really good actually (but I didn't see that at the time). My teacher was really happy with my improvement and performance (I didn't see that either until things got worse). And then finally I reached my breaking point. I couldn't handle any more.
I stopped practicing as regularly and intensely, my teacher started getting increasingly frustrated. I had lost motivation to play flute. I had lost the love of it that used to be so strong. Instead my thoughts turned to restricting, exercising. And then I lost the energy even for that, and they turned only to exhaustion and death.
Now, I haven't practiced or been to a lesson/rehearsal in almost 3 weeks. It sounds difficult just to practice for a little while, too much energy. And looking over these videos, I was on such a great path. I was quickly becoming one of the best in the studio. I had principal flute position for the fancy year-end orchestra concert pretty much secured. I was becoming really quite good. And then I broke. It all slipped away.
My current flute plan:
I have quartet rehearsal on Thursday, orchestra on Friday, quartet performance on Saturday, and lesson/quartet rehearsal on Sunday. Our studio's year-end recital (huge importance, biggest event of the year) is the Thursday of that week. I'm not going to be playing either my flute or piccolo solo for that. Which is so horrible, I don't even want to think about it, I didn't really realize it until I wrote that sentence just now. So I'm going to push that back out of my mind for now. But I will be playing with quartet. Which means there will be a huge number of questions, why I'm not playing, because everyone in the studio knows each other pretty well and we're relatively close- kind of like a flute family, as we put it a lot.
My teacher knows about my illness. Tonight we just sent her a really long email about how bad it really is, about what we found out after going to the doctor (reminds me, i'm STILL putting off writing the post about that). I don't know what her response will be.
The only things to worry about right now are the upcoming quartet rehearsals/performances and orchestra seating auditions (not sure when those are going to be). I'm not stressing over solo work right now, and we're not even going to think about decisions about flute camp until we get me into a less urgent medical state.
It makes me sad. That things were going so well, and now it's all gone, just like that. Maybe I'll be able to get back there someday. Maybe I won't even want to go back to flute though. We'll see what happens. But all I care about at this point is eventually being happy again. Yeah, that would be nice.