Monday, April 9, 2012

Bad day.

I had a pretty bad day today. Right now i'm having all the feelings of I don't want to go on, I don't want to have to go through the same things every day, I don't want to continually have all these pressures and stresses and problems. Not a good feeling...

Breakfast- english muffin with nutella (yum! but lots of anxiety, it's going to take lots of getting used to eating breakfast again.) And a calcium/vitamin D chew.

Morning snack- Banana bread (baked last night!) I wasn't going to eat it. I spent the whole study period thinking about whether or not I would eat it, and then finally at the end I went in to talk to Darin and she made me go get my backpack so I could bring it in and eat it :) haha. But then we talked for about half an hour, I was about 20 minutes late into my next class (but it was just music, so it's fine). It was really nice talking to her. And I glad I went in, I wouldn't have had my snack otherwise. She was pretty worried to find out all the things about the doctor visit. But she was saying about how she's really proud of me that I've been doing well with the eating this weekend and that I came in for help because I knew I wouldn't be able to manage snack myself. And also that I want to live now, I want to get better (not always so sure? but as opposed to just ending everything I guess. What i want is for things to get better.) She read to me a little out of this book she has, I forget the title of it but it was written by someone about their struggle with anorexia (sure there's billions of books like that out there like it). But we talked about how there's the strong part of me that wants to have to go to the hospital, and wants to get worse, she was reading from the book that this person had the same kind of thoughts. Showing me that i'm not alone. It helped a lot talking to her, or at least it always makes me feel a little better. At least giving her an update on what is happening. And she said that if I ever didn't want to have one of my meals, just come to her, and she'll make me eat it :) haha, but not in a bad way like that, I want to go in if I'm having trouble eating (i told her that I would).

Lunch- I couldn't manage to eat lunch. It was too scary with everybody around, and having eaten my snack already. I had a piece of whole wheat bread with turkey and cheddar on it. I was texting my best friend the whole time during lunch, and he was trying to encourage me to eat, but it just wasn't going to happen. He would have come and helped me but he was pretty far away from where I was (he walked into town) so he couldn't come back in time. I didn't throw it away though, I thought maybe I could do it afterschool when there weren't people around. I took about two bites afterschool, and then threw the rest out and told my mum that I had eaten it all (and the cheating begins? uschhh.)

Snack- When I got home (I decided to take the bus after all, I didn't want to risk walking, especially already being sick.) I was having such strong ana thoughts, and I have been for the rest of the night, it started during lunch. I did tons of exercises in my room, which was so bad but I couldn't stop myself. I did eat my afternoon snack out of guilt, but that only made the ana thoughts stronger about exercising, and I also chose the lowest fat/lowest calorie yogurt we had for snack. But ana thoughts kept getting stronger throughout the night. And I've been having all these totally crazy mood swings.

Dinner- we cooked home-made macaroni and cheese tonight! we'd never tried it before, and it was SO delicious. Basically we cooked the macaroni pasta for 3 minutes and then put in in a casserole dish with 8 oz grated cheese (so much cheese!!!) and covered the top with croutons (sounds weird, but it was so good!) and baked it, not sure how long. It was so unbelievably good, haha! Still lots of anxiety over it though, so many ana thoughts. After dinner I did a tiny bit of work and then watched some series with mum, then I tried doing more work and now I'm finishing up what I can (i do have to say, i'm pretty stressed about schoolwork right now, and at the same time completely non-motivated. bad combination??)

Night Snack- half an apple (other half from last night). Nothing much to say about it? crunchy, juicy.. apple. Haha :)

I also spent a lot of time today ranting about ED to my best friend. I was so completely mad about everything after school. Why all of this even started. How bad everything has gotten. How I'm in danger of dying from heart failure if I don't eat. I'm eating in order to survive. And yet I still skip out on meals, exercise for an hour in my room, stand instead of sit, do all these crazy things. Part of me wants to go to the hospital. Messed up much??? So I was ranting for about an hour to him about that. I might see him tomorrow in person (hopefully) and will definitely be seeing him on Wed for a good-luck hug before my appointment at the clinic.

Hoping for tomorrow to be better. That I'll follow my meals? I don't want all the ana thoughts back.. they're so horrible, so controlling. But I don't know how well I can stop them, they're definitely here right now. And don't want to go away. Tuesday's also the day that Darin won't be at school, so I'm on my own for the meals.. i'm sure my friends will help me though, my best friend said he'll come make me eat if I want him to (or if i'm not eating then maybe he'll come make me eat regardless.. haha). Anyways, I'm hoping I eat, because when I don't things are not good and they only spiral out of control from there.

Hoping things are better for you than they are for me! :)


(and I'll get to photos eventually.. after my horrible day, I had absolutely no energy for that. i'll try to do it tomorrow, but no promises.. we'll see how I'm feeling.)

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