Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Absolutely horrible day. (I need to think of better titles?)

Well as you just read... today was completely, absolutely, horrible. 

I don't even know if I want to get into it.. well, I will anyways :)

So nothing much during first class (japanese, so unbelievably boring and slow). Then study period, I didn't eat my snack. Next was Pysch (i think I wrote a post during that class? haha too lazy to check.) and we had this socratic discussion thing about the Stanford Prison Experiment. Really boring. The first half hour or so we worked on our prepping for the discussion in smaller groups, and the other people all around were seriously pissing me off. Well I was allready in a bad mood from study period when I was trying to get some work done and my 'friends' were with me and being extremely loud. As I wrote earlier, I get so unbelievably annoyed with loud people. And especially while I was trying to study.. usch. Then during the first half hour the other people around me were being really annoying. I really do hate that class so much. So I wrote a short post and prepped as much as I could for the discussion.

Then during the discussion, I tried really hard to participate, but it's so difficult because there's the people in class that completely take over the discussion and talk all the time. And me being super extremely quiet, I would be saying something but then they would just start talking before I had a chance to say what I was starting. So I ended up not being able to talk during the entire discussion, and now I have to do a huge stupid project/presentation for next period and present to the class to make up the points. I tried so hard to talk, and had some really good points to make, strong opinions on the subject. USCHHHH. SO ANNOYED. At least it's with a group, 3 other people who didn't talk (who are actually friends of mine so we work well together, that's okay). But still.. I really don't need this stress on top of everything. I'm actually EXTREMELY stressed about school right now. Maybe I'll talk to Darin about it, lighten up a bit on work?

Then during lunch, I actually ate my sandwich, which was good. Didn't have the banana I was supposed to eat though. At least it was something? Good step.

Chemistry I started to understand the things that were confusing me, which is good, but i'm still really stressed about our test on Thursday. I was gone for most of the days of this unit, so I'm definitely NOT solid on the information. And I have a ton of work to make up from the days I missed still to finish before the test. I think I'm going to talk to the teacher about postponing the test until the monday we get back from break, since I missed so much? or I'll talk to Darin about it first actually and then she will talk to my chemistry teacher :) Because I seriously cannot handle all this school stress on top of the eating. I'm having such a difficult time focusing in classes also, it's like all I'm thinking about all the time is food. can these thoughts go away please.

And school wasn't even the worst part of my day. After school everything went completely utterly wrong.

I met my best friend to talk for a bit, I talked to him a ton yesterday over messaging because of all my freaking out, I needed to let it out or else I would go crazy or the thoughts would get worse. So then today he was, I don't know it was kind of different from usual? He was telling me, I need to stop freaking out so much, but kind of in a way like I need to stop taking so much of his time. And I kind of also took it like.. now that he has a girlfriend, he can't spend so much of his time on me. He has other people to focus on also. I'm not really sure what to say about our conversation, I don't quite know what to think of it myself. It was just kind of, weird I guess. Left me feeling like total crap. That he doesn't care about me as much anymore or something.

Ugh. So that was horrible. And then I was left at the bus stop, in pretty heavy rain (thankfully I had an umbrella). Another friend's mum offered to drive me home, but I refused, I have no idea why, that was so completely stupid of me- i mean, I hate taking the bus! So I waited about 10 minutes in the rain for the bus to come. And kind of freaking out about everything, and wanting to go back to school to see if my other friend that knows about my ED was still there (we would have spent time together after school except I was going to talk with my other friend.) But I stayed at the stop. When the bus got there though, I stood in front of the open doors of the bus, money in hand, and then just turned and walked away from it??????? wtf??? I have no clue what was wrong with me.. like why in the world did I do that. I don't even know what happened, I just turned and walked away back towards the school. what.

And then I was pretty much having a complete freakout, I was completely soaking wet and had no way of getting home, I had a horrible day and then that talk with my friend upset me a lot, I was generally really upset about all of the stuff going on, and also a ton of stress on top of it all. I walked through the rain back to the school, trying to hold back the tears. And then I wandered though the school, looking for anybody I could talk to. Anybody that could take me home. Anybody I knew. And it was like everybody was gone. 

I finally found one of my friends in the music room, and I stayed with him- he thought it was kinda weird, I was acting really strange. So I stayed with him for a while, talked to mum on the phone and we decided I would take the bus that comes an hour later, but she could always leave work to come get me if I needed. I hung out with my friend, walked around and talked a little, finally he had to leave and I still had about 15 minutes before the bus.

So I went to the town library which is right by the bus stop and sat inside out of the rain, watching out the window to make sure the bus didn't come, then a few minutes before it was supposed to get there I went out to wait (in the now pouring rain). And I waited 15 minutes. It never freaking came. I called my mum, now totally stranded and totally freaking out, and she said there's supposed to be another bus that comes in half an hour, and I also called my dad but he wasn't able to come pick me up. So I headed back over towards the school, not really knowing what to do with myself, and at that point I was kind of breaking down, I ended up leaning on a tree at the front of the school, standing there sopping wet with tears streaming down my face because everything was going so wrong, and I was completely exhausted. Extremely long day, and I had been walking around/standing with my heavy backpack and books in the pouring rain and cold/having all this stress for the past 1.5 hours. Finally the tears stopped streaming, and I kept walking towards the school.

I sat at a bench under an overhang, watching the time pass by. And then I got up to start walking over to the stop again, and my friend who I had been looking for when I walked away from the first bus walked past. And I had sent her a message, saying "hey, are you still around, I kind of didn't get on my bus and i'm freaking out about a lot of things and I don't know what to do.." but she never responded, she didn't see it until after her track practice finished. So then she saw me, and she was pretty worried from that message and really confused because I was still at school. So we walked out towards my bus stop together, I was telling her a little about my horrible day. And this is still 10 minutes before the bus is supposed to arrive. But then, I see on the street ahead of me, the bus passes by. And I stopped and was standing there watching, and then I was just like. no. fucking. way. I don't even usually swear. But I couldn't believe, that everything that happened, and now I missed the bus to take me home finally. Oh my gosh. I was saying, did I imagine that bus? did that seriously just happen. So i asked my friend if it was possible for her to give me a ride home, and she said yes, of course (except her parents weren't picking up the phone... umm.) So I called my mum, and she said that's great my friend could give me a ride (she was extremely worried by this point.) And my friend's parents finally picked up the phone. We went to the library and finally got picked up around 4:15 or so, two hours fifteen minutes after I had gotten out of school. I was soaking wet, extremely upset, generally feeling extremely crappy by this point. 

^^haha, only picture I took today. From the bench i was sitting at before my friend came- soaking wet. You can't really see how wet it is in the picture? but it was pouring. (this is in my school). 

So that was my day. When I got home things weren't much better, I was having really bad thoughts, and generally felt horrible. And that's how my night's been. Eating has been.. well, just eating. not much to say. Mum forgot about my night snack tonight. oh well :) I wasn't about to say anything about it to her.

Well I just had an amazing day today. -.- I can't even believe all that happened. Tomorrow it's to the clinic, and then the nutritionist. And hopefully during school Darin has time for me to come in and talk. crossing my fingers.. because I really need to talk to her right now. So many bad thoughts, such a bad day, things are generally- bad. 

Hope things are better for you than they were for me today :)

1 comment:

  1. Sounds like an awful day -_-
    Hate days like that, when just everything goes wrong... i just hope you have a better day today.

    Do you not have Easter break? do you celebrate Easter?

    How long are your school days?
    Whats your favourite class in school? how big is your school... like, how many people? :)

    Do your best to eat... even though its hard, its for the best...

    And sounds awful with your friend.... ??? wish i had advice to give. But i dont really know.?
    Anorexia is hard.. and its good to have someone to talk to about it.. but i guess its not fun to just sit and listen to someone rant.. even though that might be what you want?

    Ohh and hope it goes well at the clinic... :)
    Maybe you can post your meal plan if you get one... - i know you wrote what you ate in your last post. :)

    hope things get better :)