Monday, April 30, 2012

Not much to post about.

Earlier i thought i had a lot to say.

i think i did.

but right now i don't. i'm too tired to really post right now.

things are bad.

what else is new.

i am cheating with my meals.

i should really stop doing that.

it started last week as 'just today i'll have less'. and now it's a habit.

not sure what else to say at the moment.

i'll definitely post more tomorrow. sorry for this short bad post.

and i have loads of pictures to post, but i'll do that tomorrow also. right now i want to finish up the things i have to and go to sleep. (and eat my snack.....)

i'll have lots of things to say tomorrow. but right now.. well i just don't have it in me to write things out.

goodnight x

Every day is an adventure.

Right now, I never know what to expect out of a new day. Every day it seems like things go completely unexpectedly. 

Well today.. let's see. I was supposed to go to my flute lesson but then I ended up having a big panic attack/freakout/breakdown and ended up crying in mum's arms for half an hour. Because I was also totally stressing over this big project. So I didn't end up going to the lesson, mum texted my flute teacher. She did go herself though and had a really nice talk with my flute teacher and also went to the concert. It turns out, my teacher went through a lot of the same things as me when she was my age. She was like me, one of the high-achieving people who everyone expects to be (and thinks is) perfect, living in a really high-pressure atmosphere. And she developed a serious eating disorder. The doctor said that she needed to gain weight or she would die. So she did, she recovered, and she's been very healthy and conscious about healthy eating and such since then. I was so surprised to find that out.. I'm still thinking about it, what I think of it. I'm very glad that I know.. I don't really know how to say why it makes me feel better to know that right now. I'm not sure why. But it.. I really don't know why! Maybe I'll be able to put it in words once I think some more on it. It was a very good conversation though, I'm so glad that they talked. Mum said that she was also saying that she has seen so much potential in me since when I first started taking lessons, but it was always so up and down and she hadn't understood why I wasn't fulfilling all my potential all the time.. or more of a, two steps forward one step back kind of thing. And now she understands why, and just wants me to get better and follow what I want. Whatever I decide about flute once I get to a point where I'm even able to think clear enough to make a decision, it's okay. It's okay if I don't want to play anymore. It's great if I do want to start up again, and start actually fulfilling my potential, pick my dream back up again. I guess we'll just have to wait a bit to find out what will happen. 


I was here at home. Working and working and working. And basically tonight I got to the point where I just couldn't do it anymore. My brain could not handle doing these big essays on top of everything else in there right now. And I couldn't do any more work. It was really bad.. Well first I left the computer and lay in bed for about an hour and a half, just staring at the ceiling and telling myself- why can't i do this, i'm stupid, i'm crazy, why can't i just write these essays. And mum came in, realized that I really just didn't have the mental capacity to finish this project right now. She was telling me, it's okay, it's okay if I can't do it right now. I have a lot going on, and it's completely understandable that I don't have the extra energy or mind-space to handle these huge essays. She helped me feel a lot better. I mean, I'm still totally feeling like a failure.. but it's okay. I have a lot going on. And I need to focus on the important things. 

So tomorrow we're going to school early to have a talk with my English teacher, tell him what's going on and try and make a special arrangement for this project. I'll tell about what we work out tomorrow, I have some ideas but right now I really want sleep so I'm going to wrap this post up. 

There's loads of other work that I haven't completed for tomorrow also.. hopefully that all turns out okay, i'll be able to get it done during the day or something. And if not, well, i'm not going to stress about it. It's okay. There's more important things right now. Just have to keep telling myself that.. not quite believing it yet? :)

And while i'm at it might as well just include today's pictures.. it's late already, another minute of uploading won't hurt! :)

Lunch: Spanikopita and Vitamin Water and Fruit (i was sure i had taken a picture of the fruit.. apparently not?)

^^LOL. i know my photos are terrible today.. i mean look how blurry this is.. i have absolutely no excuse. it was on my real camera, not even my mobile. no excuse at all. so feel free to laugh at me :)

And a bad picture of afternoon snack- pumpkin seeds, dried cranberries/apples

Goodnight! x

Sunday, April 29, 2012

I can't handle it all

I feel like finding somewhere to hide and curling up and crying. Running away from everything. I can't handle everything. There's so much going on. 

I have so much work to finish. I'm not even done with my stupid book and I have to write loads on it by tonight. I haven't even thought about my maths homework yet. And then I have other english work as well. I didn't do my work during the week because I didn't have the energy or capacity in my mind to be able to do it, and everyone said it's okay, you need to take it easy, there's more important things to be focusing on right now like staying alive. But now.. due dates are here, i'm not feeling any different than I did during this week, but I still have to do all of this work- more so than if I was able to work on it throughout the week. they say don't work.. don't stress yourself over anything.. in fact, avoid anything stressful. And now i'm unbelievably stressed. 

And on top of all my work. I'm going to a flute lesson today. Which has me EXTREMELY stressed out. Just going to the lesson itself.. okay, thinking about flute lessons makes me feel suicidal. Gives me loads of anxiety. Not good feelings.. And what if I just don't want to play flute anymore? Or what if I can't handle it right now, if I need a really long break? If I have too much going on right now to have the mental ability to handle it. But it seems like.. people tell me I can do that, that it's okay if that's what I need.. but really, it isn't. 

And then there's also the time to think about. We leave at 1:30 for the hour drive up to my teacher's house. Lesson from 3-4. Then we got cornered into going to this concert thing which will probably go till 6 or so, not getting home till around 7. I woke up late today because I was exhausted and needed rest. Which they're telling me is important.. get the rest you need. But then I got up at 10, had breakfast from 10:30-11, now it's 11:22.. I don't have enough freaking time in the day to get everything done that i have to. 

I can't do it all. 

A day ending in tears.

My night has been spent reading and reading and reading and reading.. haha you get the point :)

On my way out to going to dinner. 
Went out to dinner earlier with mum, dad, and grandpa. That was horrible horrible horrible. We went to a really exceptionally bad restaurant. Mum and dad were being so annoying, just in the car ride on the way there.. well my dad was the annoying one. Oh my gosh, I wanted to scream and hit something I was getting so irritated. And during dinner things were just annoying and blah.. and the food was horrible. And then my parents were still annoying on the way back. General not-fun experience.

Then I read when I got back. Been reading all day besides that. Still have about 150 pages left in The Girl Who Played With Fire- have to finish it and write two essays on it for monday. So i'm planning on reading a bit more tonight and waking up early tomorrow to read.

I also have a flute lesson tomorrow.. USCH SO MUCH STRESSING ME OUT RIGHT NOW I WANT TO SCREAM. okay sorry I just had to get that out. i'm so freaking stressed out. and i shouldn't be. but i don't know how to get out of all the stress.. because i have to do all of it?? i mean, i know if it's all too much i just need to say something and we'll cut back on something. but i mean, we agreed to the flute lesson tomorrow, and i have to do this big book report for monday. i could get out of things but.. i shouldn't.. usch i don't even know what to do. i just know that i have all this mass of stuff piling up on me and i'm so stressed out and i can't handle it but i have to (but i don't have to.. but i do. AAH.)

So then later around time for my night snack, i was stressed out. and didn't want anything to eat. mum was going to toast an english muffin and put on butter and raspberry jam but that sounded absolutely horrible to me. so she didn't put the jam on, which was a little better because that was the part that sounded really disgusting at the time, but it was still pretty bad with just the english muffin and butter, i didn't want it.

So i ended up sitting in my room with my snack in front of me just crying alone. Partly about my snack. And about all my schoolwork. I hadn't the energy to read/work on this during the week.. and i still don't have the energy to work on it now. but now i have to. UGH i just can't even handle all this going on there's too much in my brain right now. And then i was also really upset about living here. I was missing Europe a lot, and thinking about, why do I have to live here. I hate living here, I don't belong, I've never belonged here. I went to Europe and it was the first time i'd ever felt like, this is where I should be, this is where I need to live. So I was really upset about that tonight. Maybe I'll talk to mum about moving one of these days. I mean, that's completely just not even going to happen. But I might as well talk about it, talk about even the slightest possibility.

Sorry for the probably odd post.. time to go read more now i guess. I'm scared for tomorrow. :/

Saturday, April 28, 2012

A short list of things I miss a lot right now:

  • Having an empty stomach
  • My best friend
  • Being able to walk and exercise
  • Europe
  • Happiness

Good afternoon :)


I've had a very slow relaxing day so far.. not much going on. Been reading The Girl Who Played With Fire, I have about 400 pages left, so i'll finish it today and write my two essays on it tomorrow. (maybe i'll work on planning them out a little today if I have time.. hope I can figure out what to write them on, because at the moment i have no idea!).

Woke up around 10 today. Breakfast=smoothie (yum!). Didn't have a morning snack since I got up so late, around 12 I had lunch. Since then I've just kind of been reading and taking pictures, looking at blogs, things like that. I should get more focused on my reading though >.<

Lunch- wrap, greek salad, vitamin water


^^terrible expression LOL but I like my hair today :)

uschhhh i hate my face.. i hate my body.. my mind just says everything is ugly ugly ugly 
i could write lists and lists about everything wrong with how i look.

Oh well.. Not going to do that- Going to focus on the positives instead today!!. 
I love my hair right now! :)

Hope you're having a good day, later we're going out to dinner with my grandpa, should be nice. 

More later :)

Feeling slightly (so much) better.

Nowadays feeling even the slightest bit better is so much better than the usual. Even a tiny bit not-as-bad is huge. And today, I've felt a tiny bit better than usual, which has been so nice :)

I went to Darin today which helped me so much. When I went in, she said, I haven't seen you in a few days, I've missed you and been worried about how you're doing! When I said that I was trying to be less dependent on coming every single day, she said no, don't even think about that. It's good that I'm coming in so much. I need it right now. Things are really tough for me at the moment, and she wants me to be coming in and talking it out, she wants to help me. And I was also worried that i'm taking up too much of her time, that there are other students needing to talk to her or something. But she said that no, I should come in whenever I need to, don't worry about other students because I am a priority and have so much going on right now. So all that made me feel a lot better about going in, and now i'm not afraid to be going in every day, heheh- it's encouraged, and she was surprised when I wasn't! :) 

So I told her how things have been going so bad lately, etc. We talked everything through for a long time. I was eating my snack also- pumpkin seeds and dried fruit (cranberries, apples, bananas), it took me an hour total to eat it, i seriously didn't think i would manage- but i knew Darin would never let me go without finishing my snack :) (not that i wanted or was in any hurry to leave, haha!!) And we also kind of got to know each other a lot better today.. I was telling her a lot about my childhood and such, and she told me a lot about herself too. And we got into talking about books, book suggestions (she's actually going to be bringing me a book to read next week that she says is really good!), then movies, things we've seen/want to see recently, music... all kinds of stuff! And she was telling me about her family, her kids, things she likes to do.. it was a really fun conversation. Then we were getting back to talking about the serious stuff again, I told her about the thought I had a few days ago and also about the memory that just came back from middle school of thinking that I wouldn't live past high school. She helped me deal with both of those thoughts a lot, they're not weighting on me so much anymore (definitely still there though). And then after an hour had gone by and I was finally done with my snack and all the talking I needed to do, it was back to class for me- and we watched the film Mean Girls (watch it if you haven't! it's like.. a requirement for all humans, haha!!) in my psych class.

Lunch I had my entire sandwich but threw out my banana when nobody saw me. [*cough bad habits are forming *cough]

Chemistry we learned about equilibrium and reaction rates.. we did a lab and my partner and i were both feeling pretty tired and spacey. And we kinda messed stuff up, lol! She accidentally used the wrong pipettes for the wrong solutions, and contaminated both the pipettes and solutions in doing so.. they all turned blue-ish (what the reaction was supposed to do, but only in the test tube!). And then I was mixing the two solutions together (adding one test tube to the other and then pouring it back and forth a few times) and accidentally spilled half of it out onto the lab table and soaked our papers- lol! But we totally forgave each other for everything because we were both making a billion mistakes. not very accurate data maybe? oh well!

Afterschool... no bus problems today, dad picked me up half an hour afterschool! :) we went for a family friend's house for her to give him a haircut (she's a hairdresser). I sat and did homework for that half hour, and talked to her a bit.. I hate it when people ask me all the time if I'm thinking about college/university yet, where i'm thinking of going, what I want to do. Because it all used to be planned out, I had a career, lists of schools, lists of post-school orchestras to audition for, and everything I needed to get there all lined up through high school. And now it's totally gone out the window, all of it.

Well I suppose what will come will come, right now I need to focus on the moment and getting myself healthy. And I can't possibly think about what i want to be doing in the future right now.. i can't even see myself in the future, living past this. So we'll get to the future when it comes, and for now do the best I can to get myself to a point where I can see where my life is going once again. 

Afterschool snack.. whole wheat toast with nutella, 1c juice. Had it all, minus about 3/4 of the juice. [cough. cough.]

Played piano.. read.. watched series. Went to orchestra rehearsal later, it was pretty fun tonight. Got home. Ate snack (yogurt and falafel chips- not together though, haha!). Played piano. Now i'm going to see if I have energy to do some reading.. I have 500 pages left of The Girl Who Played With Fire, have to finish it tomorrow and write two essays on it by monday. fun fun fun. I think right now i'll just go to sleep, it's been a long week and i'm ready for some rest, i'll get to work tomorrow.

Breakfast- huge fight over milk as usual. 
Oh, and don't mind the greek alphabet in the background- lol! it was a school project from back in elementary school.. not too sure what it's doing on our dining table though??

Me this morning^^

Hope you're well! :)

Friday, April 27, 2012

Going downhill

I can feel myself slipping away.. no motivation. zero pep. i don't want to eat. I've gotten in so many fights with mum today, i feel so bad about it but i can't help it. and my mind is just totally crazy.. i don't even know what's going on with my mind. i don't know what's happening to me and i don't know how to describe it. but my mind is in a really strange place right now. and i don't want to live.

I want to talk to darin but I don't even know what to say. because i don't know what is going on. i think i'll go tomorrow though. see if i can find words.

At least I finally understand Limits. They were so confusing at first, especially since I missed that lesson the day before yesterday, but then today I went to two teachers for help and then i also had maths last class so by the end of the class I completely understood them and they actually got kinda fun :)


My day was pretty much horrible.. started out with a big fight with mum over my juice. I meant to ask my nutritionist about this yesterday but forgot, i definitely will next week. When I have milk in the mornings it makes my stomach hurt a ton, it's been like that my whole life, i get these horrible cramping feelings and it's just horrible. And the acidity of juice in the morning also makes my stomach hurt a lot. So I need to ask if I can drink juice/milk with afternoon snack when I usually have water, and have water with breakfast. Mum isn't letting me do that until we ask her about it. But especially this morning being sick, having juice when your throat hurts is not a fun experience.. :/

Mulan in English class!!! :) good way to begin classes.

Tried and failed to understand limits.

Ate my nutrigrain bar but not my cheese for snack. the cheese I threw out. [note bad-habit forming]

Music class was boring. Playing disgusting american music. mergh. And everyone's so bad oh my gosh. (heh i'm nice aren't i)

Lunch.. a friend from another school that we haven't seen in a while was supposed to visit but he didn't show up. :/ S had to go pick something up from a club meeting at the beginning of lunch so I was supposed to wait in the music hall for her while she did that. But then all these thoughts were going through my head and I was getting massive anxiety about lots of stuff and I ended up leaving and walking around causing more anxiety because I had left when I was supposed to stay to meet her. And then I went to the group where the friend from another school was supposed to come but he wasn't there, and as I was leaving another friend of mine ("best friend" but she actually really annoys me, she's not one of my close friends anymore but i don't know if she knows that.. :/) followed me and i got really annoyed because i was in a horrible state of mind at the time and didn't want to exist, then i wandered back to the music hall with her and S was just getting back there, so that was perfect timing, and S and i went to eat lunch and my other friend left (big sigh of relief, she annoys me so much). S and I ate together in the music hall, I had my wrap and got really full by the end of it (took me a long time) and then took out my fruit, i had an apple sliced in quarters and some grapes. i had two grapes and one apple quarter but couldn't have the rest, I ended up closing the container and putting it back in my bag without saying anything, S was just kind of looking at me, not really knowing what to do or say but feeling really.. i don't know, sad, pained i guess that I couldn't manage this small (huge to me) bit of apple slices. I hate to see that happen. But there was no way I could have had that. [and once again, note bad-habit forming]

But It is great when I have news that I've improved when i tell S or E, they're really happy for me when that happens. It's a great feeling, their relief and i guess kind of.. proudness of me for being able to do it? belief that i can get through it? Well, it's a great feeling improving for them, even if i feel horrible myself :)

Maths was limits once again, and finally I understood them, they actually got fun. Yay!

Working on limits in the library! :)
Afterschool was terrible. I chatted with friends for a little bit, and then went out to the bus stop 10 minutes before the bus was supposed to get there. I sat down in the sun and waited. and waited. and waited. Eventually half an hour passed by.. and the anxiety (already pretty high, the bus scares me so much) went up and up and up. And then after another 5 minutes of no bus, i called my mum and told her that it didn't come. And I was pretty much crying at this point. Terrible day, and the freaking bus doesn't freaking come when it's supposed to. It's ridiculous, so freaking ridiculous. So I was on the verge of tears, just barely holding them back. She said to wait out there in case it came, I called my dad but he was at a store half an hour away and didn't want to leave. So mum said to just wait for the next bus (another freaking hour!!) and not to leave the stop in case any came. I just said, no. i'm not sitting out here, in the bright sun, for an hour waiting for the next bus when i'm already sick and feeling horrible (and wanting to die, but i didn't say that part).  I ended up going to the town library and finished my maths work (limits! haha!). And I called my dad again, he couldn't believe it about the bus and left the store to come pick me up, about 45 minutes later in which I finished my maths assignment and read a bunch of blog posts, I was finally picked up and got home. But how ridiculous is that about the bus??? i'm seriously pissed off at my town's public transportation. I mean, I understand a bus being maybe 5 minutes early or 5 minutes late. But not coming at all in a half-hour period around when it's supposed to be there??? We're thinking of calling the public transportation service or whatever it is and telling them about this issue.. because it's so ridiculous. You can't say that there's going to be a bus at this time, and there isn't.

Got home, don't really remember what i did. snack was carrots/cucumbers and yogurt/garlic/chive dip (it's so good, remind me to post a recipe sometime haha!). Didn't want to eat, but I pressed it in, vegetables aren't too bad anyways though so it was fine. Don't really remember what I did. It's all just a blur of depression and stuff. Dinner was leftover chicken soup (really good. didn't want to eat.) and strawberries/grapes/watermelon.

^^kitty decided to come visit while i was studying on my bed :)

Did some studying/schoolwork (not enough). Showered. Night snack two graham crackers and a wallaby lemon yogurt. Now I'm in my pajamas and doing some more studying (still not nearly enough, I have so much freaking work to do and no energy to do it) before I go to sleep. Sleep, i'm looking forward to sleep.. you know what, maybe I'll just go straight to that.. sounds nice. Deal with everything later, escape for now.. okay that's the really bad attitude?? but sometimes, that's just what you've gotta do.

People are commenting on my food, I hate it. Like.. why do you have all this food all of a sudden you used to never eat during school. I don't really know what to say to them so I usually just stay quiet. And they're also asking, why no walking home? no exercise? why are you missing so many classes all the time? I don't know what to tell them. That i'm still trying to figure out. usually I tell them I'm sick. stay vague. but they want to know more, and why for such a long period of time, what's going on. I'll figure it out eventually. And I guess there are people that I just am going to have to get used to the idea of telling.

This whole recovery thing sucks :/ i miss being empty. and I am really wondering how much i weigh. i want to know i want to know i want to know i want to know. they won't tell me. it's driving me crazy. i want to know how bad things really are, how dangerously low i am.. because i don't think it's low at all. when i step on the scale.. i just imagine it saying "fat." that's why they are so quiet when they take the measurements. or seem surprised or whatever. you're too fat to be coming here. But the few times that I've actually seen other patients.. well i've actually been kinda surprised, i'm skinnier than them? it's weird. but i've seen barely any.

And also about recovery sucking.. well, the first few weeks it was kind of like.. (only talking about the food and eating here, not mental state at all). okay I can do this. I hate to say this, i hate it so much. but it was almost like it was comforting, having all the set mealtimes and being required to eat. because my brain doesn't let me eat, but then I had to.. i don't know it's hard to explain.. but it was kind of like, I have an excuse to be able to eat now, because i'm required to.. usch i hated that so much. but now i've gone to.. no no no no no. This isn't good at all. I don't want to eat. I don't want it. I don't want to get better. I want to take back the last few weeks of so much eating. i want it all out. i can't eat more. i can't do this. not a fun feeling... the first few weeks, it was kind of so new and my body needed food so much that it was bearable i guess.. but now, i guess.. the difficulty of recovery has finally hit me. I don't know, it's hard to describe, maybe you've had similar experiences? maybe i'm just weird? haha! :)

Well that's it for tonight, i really need to be getting to bed. need to think of what to say to darin tomorrow.. try and think of words for what's going on inside? :/

Goodnight/good morning/good day/whatever it is for you! :)

and sorry for terrible quality pictures from my mobile.. better than nothing though I guess? :)

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Sitting in music class right now... I wish I got out of this class to talk to Darin but I didn't end up asking to, I'm trying to be less dependent on going all the time And anyways I don't even know what I would say. I don't know how it would make anything better. Maybe I'll talk to her for a bit tomorrow if I have time.

Nothing much happening in school.. Watched Mulan in English this morning, such a great movie :)

Also attempting to learn Limits for maths... Not understanding it at all. Fun fun.

Just gotta get through the day I guess.. I don't even know what's going on anymore.

And I have a huge headache. Can I just go lie down or something. :/

Things are bad

Well thoughts from yesterday are still in my head. And basically everything is really bad right now.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

Today when people would talk to me I wouldn't understand them. And if I talked they wouldn't understand me. But I didn't usually talk. My voice was caught inside my mouth. It didn't want to come out.

I met my best friend during lunch. He didn't know what was wrong. He didn't know how to help me. I don't know what's wrong. My voice didn't want to come out again. I tried to throw out my sandwich. He wouldn't let me, standing in front of the trash can and blocking me from getting to it. I still didn't eat much of anything. He gave up talking to me, not knowing why he was there because he didn't know what was wrong or how he could help, and left.

My other friend S could tell something was wrong during next class. She asked if everything was okay. It wasn't. She knew that when I had said "fine". We spent an hour together after school. My voice didn't want to come out.

I think I'm getting sick also.

We saw the nutritionist. She's great. I was spacing out, completely exhausted.

We went home. I lay down for a while. Then I read blogs for a while. Then I had dinner (cheese tortellini with olive oil and garlic) and refused to eat my salad that my mum brought me after I finished the tortellini because it had dressing on it and I had just had olive oil all over my tortellini. My stomach was feeling really queasy also, I felt like I would throw up if I had anything more. I laid down on the couch for a while doing nothing and refusing to eat the salad in front of me.

Finally she put the salad back in the kitchen. When I felt well enough I went to the kitchen and had a few things out of the salad (that weren't touching the dressing) and that made her happy (that i was having a bit of it). Give me a break, I'm sick.

I talked to another friend over gchat for a long time. She has depression and I'm trying to get her help. Tonight I said all the right things, had all the right examples and premonitions and things that I needed to tell her to get her to see why she can't fight it by herself (she had herself convinced that she could get better- i'm a clear example to prove that wrong. didn't tell her that though.) Now she'll be going to the counsellors regularly and I've told her what she needs to know to be able to get better and create the support network she needs to do so and she's going to get better. She's already getting better.

If only it all worked for me. The more help I get the worse I become. The more support network we build the more I fall into the shadows and slip away.

I tried to learn to do limits for maths. I didn't understand a bit of it. How do you find a number that doesn't exist. How do you find happiness that doesn't exist. It's kinda like that. I didn't do my homework because I didn't understand a bit of it. I'll get an extension because I missed that class.

I played piano a lot today. Even just lying in bed is horrible now, I can't escape. There's so much pain and emptiness in my mind constantly. The piano bench is the one place that it can go away. It goes out through my fingers into the keys and into the notes that then are outside my head and I can get the thoughts out for a little while. I don't even really know how I play piano. I've never had lessons. I sat down at the piano and learned to play four years ago. Now I play more advanced music than most people at my school, music that some friends who've played since they were 5 would never dream of touching. I don't get it. I just play. It's not hard. But it's the one place I escape.

I need to play less piano though. My hands cramp up all the time.

I'm going to talk to Darin tomorrow. I hope my voice works (my throat is sore) and I hope my voice comes out (it likes to hide).

Sorry for the probably really strange post. If you've even gotten this far. Who would even want to read any of this. But my mind is in a really strange place right now. So it all probably sounds extremely strange. Oh well. It's all a big spinning jumble.

Me this morning. Before my large jacket went on and stayed on. 
What's inside doesn't match what's outside. I'm out of sync with myself. 

Fro-yo with S. 

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

"Everything will be okay."

Today I had a really horrible thought.

I was thinking about how people tell me that "everything is going to be okay." And then it came into my head:

What if the way that things are going to be okay is by killing myself. 

If that's what is supposed to happen to make it okay.

This thought took over my mind. It wasted absolutely no time in taking complete control, invading my head, growing bigger and more powerful.

I texted my best friend and told him about it so that I could get it out before it could spend any more time pent up inside me. We talked for a while. He calmed me down a bit- only a bit though. We're meeting during lunch tomorrow. After we finished texting I completely distracted myself with other things. Spent an hour at the piano (and staying away from any minor music). Then buried myself in homework while watching all of the Eurovision entries. Talked to my friends over gmail chat once everything was finished. Kept myself high-energy and completely distracted from anything inside. Because I couldn't allow that thought to get any bigger. I had to ignore it. Cut it off. Prevent it from growing any more for the time being. And I will remain this way until I can talk to the best friend at lunch tomorrow.

It was scary. Scary scary.

- - - - -

In other news...

Doing state testing the next few weeks- i'm taking 6. Yuck.

Went to the doctor today. I got better.

Went to the therapist today. I don't see the point of it.

My hair was in a bun all day. Now it's unbelievably curly and big.

I need to be less dependent on seeing Darin. I can't get attached. I really like talking to her. She helps me a lot. I feel like she cares about me and wants me to get better and understands things when I say them to her, not like other people. My words don't come out right, I don't know how to say what's happening inside. The words get stuck in my mouth. They don't want to come out. I don't want to let myself out. I don't want to speak. But with Darin I can. I say things and she knows what I mean and she helps me. I can't always run to her. I can't talk to her every day like I have been. What about other students that might need to talk to her? What about when summer comes? At some point she'll get taken away from me. Or at some point I'll get taken away from her.

Don't get attached.

Don't get attached.

Don't get attached.

Monday, April 23, 2012

I'm terrified.

I realized something today.

I'm terrified of getting better.

I've been depressed for such a long time, now that's all I know. I'm terrified of being happy. I don't believe happiness is real. I'm so afraid that as soon as I get happy, I'll be right back down to here before long. It won't last. I'm afraid that I won't be anything if my depression is gone. I know that I've died on the inside. There's nothing left of me, just a body going through my life filled with nothing but depression. I'll be nothing without it.

The depression is all that I am, it has completely taken over me. I don't want to let it go. I don't remember myself before it, I don't remember what anything is like being happy. Depression is all that I know and remember.

I'm terrified of losing the things I care about, I resist making any connections, I don't put trust in anybody, I count on nothing to last or be good. I don't trust happiness. It's not real, or it's not real for me at least. Depression is all that exists in my mind. What would I be without it?

I'm terrified of my life. It scares me so much to think that I have so much of my life ahead of me. I don't want to get old. I don't want to have to live for such a long time. It's hard thinking of going on to the next day, the next hour, sometimes the next minute. How do I make it through the next 75 years if I can hardly stand to think about being alive for another day?

I'm terrified of letting go of my depression.

I'm terrified of being happy.

They really don't know anything.

Mum's working on filling out forms for the therapist right now. There was this page with a really long checklist of behaviors and such. She checked off 6. But reading the list over her shoulder, there were really about 10-15 of them. And that made me really sad. How much they have no idea goes on inside my head. (and outside).
I'm just after a massive chemistry study-sesh, finally getting to bed now at 2.. crossing my fingers that I can get up tomorrow morning because I have a busy day ahead! Lots of work to finish before my chem test at 12:30, and I have even less time if I'm planning on talking to Darin, so lots to do tomorrow morning!

But I do have to say, I haven't had a level of motivation like this (staying up super late to finish things and study) in a really long time, it's a good feeling having that back- even it it means lack of sleep? lol! Hoping the motivation sticks, it's not just a one-night thing. Not counting on it though.

Lots of other things to talk about, but at the mo, all that's on my mind is chem! chem! chem! So i think i better get some sleep :) goodnight.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

My day went from good to bad to acceptable to good once again :)

Haha, if you can tell from the title- i've had a very up and down day.

My friend ended up texting me around 5 asking if he could come over then. So he came and we ended up having a great time. We spent the two hours he was here lying in my bed looking at the ceiling and talking. (and hugging and tickling each other and poking each other and laughing lol. but no you're probably thinking this is like friends with benefits or something.. it's not, it's completely innocent, i mean i haven't even had my first kiss yet- many stories surrounding that though, that's for another time i guess! haha). We couldn't really talk about much of the important stuff because my parents were in the house and it just doesn't really feel right talking about all that when there are people in the next room. But we had a lot of fun and there is absolutely no doubt that we are best friends :) And it was so nice to see him.

The problem is that when i'm alone, my mind starts to wander and I totally overthink things and then freak out and push people away. And we talked about this. Basically, i'm completely crazy and he loves me anyways, haha :) And i'm going to try to stop overthinking and letting my mind go crazy (not sure if that's something i can just stop though??). But I'll try to be more aware of it and control it, remember all the good times like today. Try not to be so annoying, and definitely not text as much :) And his swimming season will be over soon, so we'll have a lot more time to be hanging out after school and such.

Also, I've finally realized I'm okay with him having a girlfriend. It was really weird for me at first, especially since she is the first friend I made when I moved here and the only person from my childhood that I still even talk to. But being with him today has made me realize, it's different having a girlfriend and having a best friend. And he still loves me. He loves both of us, but in different ways. And honestly, when we were together today I think being best friends is pretty darn fun :) maybe even more fun than being in a relationship, and better because high school relationships are pretty likely to break up at some point, and there's so much more social pressure with a relationship than being friends.

And I'm really glad that our friendship can continue as it was, it isn't affected by him having a girlfriend. If anything, it has made things more clear also because there was always that uncertainty of, are we more than friends? So things are okay now :) And I am so lucky to have such an amazing best friend.
Most of the day after the conflict with my friend, i spent lying around and not doing much of anything but being on the verge of tears and hiding in huge sweatshirts. i complained and complained about my food, actually refused to eat my snack but then mum kept telling me i had to. didn't let me skip it. so eventually i knew that there was no way out of eating it and got it down in little bites. and lunch i didn't complain about because i knew i had to eat it anyways, so it went down in little bites as well, but i was able to get it all in. later on i was just lying in bed staring at the ceiling, in my head thinking 'i know i need to do my work. my work is right here next to me. why can't i just do it.' i don't know why, but i just couldn't do it. and finally mum came in and told me to get up and come to the store with her. i didn't want to, i just wanted to lie in bed. but she made me come, so i threw on some jeans and a cardigan.

it was actually really good for me to get out of the house i think. when i was at the store, i texted my friend and apologized for getting so mad at him, and he apologized for not letting me know sooner that he couldn't come. and i told him that we really need to talk in person because there's weird stuff going on between us and i don't want to lose our friendship. and he completely agreed, we're meeting tomorrow during lunch to talk over what's going on. i have stuff i need to tell him, he has stuff he needs to tell me, hopefully we'll sort everything out.

now i'm going to try and apply myself to some studying and finishing up my work.. i really have a LOT to do tonight. i'm not sure if i can handle school and work right now.. i'm not sure, i'll talk to Darin about it tomorrow and see how school goes for a few days, if i realize i really can't handle it maybe it would be good for me to take a break. because starting recovery, well, it puts a load on your mind and i'm not sure if i have room in there for school on top of it. we'll see how it goes i guess :)

thank you so much for making me feel like complete crap

well as you can probably tell from the title.. my day went from pretty good to completely shit.

my friend didn't get here at 11. and i wasn't worried, we're usually really relaxed about timing of things. but i started obsessively cleaning my desk off. and around 11:15 it got to where my desk was freakishly organized, with everything equally spaced out and at right angles to each other (i'll post a picture later). and he still hadn't gotten here, with no more cleaning to do my mind started to wander more. maybe he forgot? maybe he's hanging out with his girlfriend instead? maybe he doesn't want to come hang out with me? well why should he anyways? and i started pacing around the house, organizing and reorganizing things. it's what i do when i get anxious before something and my mind is wandering too much. mum got home around 11:20 and was surprised that he wasn't here yet. then around 11:25 i had accepted that he wasn't coming, he forgot about me or had better things to do or is hanging out with his girlfriend. and finally at 11:30 he texted me saying sorry, i won't be able to hang out today (half a freaking hour after we were supposed to meet). then the rest of our conversation went along the lines of:

"oh are you hanging out with your girlfriend instead or something" "no i'm picking up my brother from the airport and mowing the lawn" "okay" "sorry" "whatever it's fine" "are you sure?" [i stopped responding for a while] "you could have at least let me know before half an hour after we were supposed to meet" "i kinda forgot until 11" "oh so you forgot about me" "no not like that! we were lost in the airport and that was kinda high priority to get un-lost" "but you didn't remember this morning or yesterday or any other time that we were hanging out today because i kind of need a friend right now" "i remembered i just kinda didn't text you. look if you're going to keep pushing me away then i'm going to go." "whatever i'm done with this conversation."

sorry if that was kinda hard to read? didn't really feel like formatting it or anything i'm too low-energy.

anyway i don't even know if we're friends anymore, we've been having conflicts the past few weeks. it's like now that he has a girlfriend and has gotten rid of his depression and is happy, he doesn't have time or want to deal with me and my problems, but this is the time when i need him most. and i would think after our conversation earlier this week that he would want to see me and would know how bad things are. when we had the conflict and then i stopped responding for a couple hours and he thought i had killed myself and he was more scared than he's ever been in his life, and then we had a long conversation about how bad things are with me until i said, i don't want to be saying these things over text so he was the one that suggested meeting in person.

usch. actually woke up with some energy and optimism today, which is now completely crushed.

thank you best friend for making me feel like shit.

and sorry for all the swearing. i'm not usually like this. only when really bad things happen. 

Not sure how today will go.

First, thank you for all your lovely comments, that was really nice to wake up to :) It was a good start to my day.

Today has been okay so far. My best friend E will be here in 5 minutes or so.. last minute room-cleaning?? lol. I've been obsessively cleaning everything for the past couple days actually though.. last night I was actually cleaning until 2. So my room actually looks really nice right now haha, except for my desk which is a huge mess.. like, you don't know what messy means until you see my desk ;) but oh well.

So I'm not really sure how things will go with the best friend. Things have been kinda weird with us lately if you remember from some of my other posts.. well, I hope we have a good time. And sort some things out.

Hope you're having a good day x

It's like I'm two people.

There's the side that wants to follow my meal plan, do everything right, get my life back in order. And then there's the side that doesn't want to eat, wants to lose weight, get skinnier and skinner until I fade away.

There's a side that wants to pretend i'm perfect and getting better and eating and getting happier, while really i'm getting worse and worse. But at the same time there's the side that wants to refuse to go on, refuse to eat, refuse to do anything, and not hide a bit of it.

There's the side that wants to show that everything's fine, be extremely organized and neat, do all my work and studying and hold everything together on the outside. But there's another side that wants to fall apart, say "i can't do this anymore," and just watching it happen.

There's part of me that wants to fight the depression, fight the eating disorder, fight to get my life back. And there's the other part of me that wants to give up.

They're all so connected and at the moment most are exactly equal with each other. And none of them match up, they can all be mismatched and separate, but they're still so connected.

I have no idea where to go from here. But I do know that in a few days one side or the other will have to win, because I can't go on at this equilibrium forever.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Nothing much to say about my day.. stayed inside all day. Tried to study and do some work but I couldn't bring myself to it, not enough energy and then I tried but I got frustrated with it and ended up in a horrible mood. So I put all my energy into cleaning and fixed up a lot of my room really nicely, vaccuming the carpet and all (i love vaccuming!) and making up my bed really nice. Now mum and I are of to the cinema, seeing The Hunger Games (finally!!!).

Maybe I'll post later, maybe not.

It's Kind Of A Funny Story

I just finished the book today, and it's now one of my favourite books. I loved it so much. I could identify with the main character Craig so much, understanding everything he was feeling. The very first paragraph struck me in particular:

It's so hard to talk when you want to kill yourself. That's above and beyond everything else, and it's not a mental complaint- it's a physical thing, like it's physically hard to open your mouth and make the words come out. They don't come out smooth and in conjunction with your brain the way normal people's words do; they come out in chunks as if from a crushed-ice dispenser; you stumble on them as they gather behind your lower lip. So you just keep quiet.

I understand that quote so much. I don't think I need to say anything more about it- the quote speaks for itself (i'm so used to having to explain quotes when writing essays!).

The other thing that kind of hit me while I was reading this book was that I was a few words away from the same place. When I was at school and the EMQ person came to evaluate me at the beginning of April, the purpose of him coming was to determine if they needed to put me into a psychiatric ward for a few days. Thankfully I was able to convince him that it was not necessary. But anything I said differently could have changed his mind. I did not lie at all though, everything I said was the complete truth and he could see this, which is probably why I didn't get taken. I was telling the truth when I said that things had gotten so bad that I might as well keep going to see if anything gets better. That was very shocking though reading this book and realizing how close I was to that.

I would highly recommend this book to anybody and everybody! :)


I got some questions a little over a week ago but I got really lazy and down and didn't end up answering until now qq. but here we go sorry it took so long :)

Do you not have Easter break? do you celebrate Easter?

How long are your school days?
Whats your favourite class in school? how big is your school... like, how many people? :)

We don't call it 'easter break', at our school we have Spring Break (haha, politically correct!). I think most schools in america call it spring break. But our school break is actually a week later than most schools, that had it the week after easter. This week has been our school's spring break.

We don't celebrate Easter. Or I guess when I was younger, we would do the whole easter basket thing, get candy :) but we don't pay attention to any of the religious stuff, my family isn't religious. I don't think i'll get into religious views on here though, that can be pretty controversial haha :)

School is from 8:00 to 2:00, and we have 3 classes every day. And we never have the same class two days in a row, they alternate every other day (there are 6 classes overall). You'll probably think I'm really weird.. but my favourite class is chemistry :) haha, the class that everyone hates! But I think it's really interesting, and I feel really smart when I'm doing it! :) There's about 1700 people in my school, I guess it's kinda big, but not as big as a lot of schools. And we have a really nice campus, and really good teachers also- it's one of the best schools around, i'm really lucky to be going here! I like my school a lot :) The people are really annoying though haha as I've mentioned before.. but oh well :)

If anyone has questions, ask away! Ask me anything! I like answering questions :)

And also I'm just kind of wondering.. who reads my blog? how did you find it? I'd love it if you left a comment, i'm really curious about who visits my blog! :) And I'm always here to talk if you need, drop me a comment or email me at :)

Friday, April 20, 2012

Time for me to get in bed and read It's Kind Of A Funny Story, i'm about halfway through now. Maybe I'll end up staying up late and finishing it? Hahah, I wouldn't be surprised. And I'm going to write a bit about it also, especially this particular quote I have, probably tomorrow. It's such a good book, I love it.

Today didn't end up going so well.. I got in one of my super extremely depressed moods (lots and lots of suicidal thoughts), didn't want to eat anything at all (but of course I got through it, ate everything I was supposed to even though everything was shouting no), and barely managed to drag myself into some clothes and over to orchestra. At orchestra I felt a little better though, being out of the house (okay, I complain about being too busy and needing alone time at home, but then I need to get out of the house? no matter where I go i'm just depressed and unhappy.. mergh). But rehearsal went really well. I had no friends.. kind of sad.. the few people I actually talk to weren't there. I'm only really good friends with one person, in general I'm kind of the outcast.. I'm the only white person in the orchestra. Everybody else is Korean or Chinese or Indian. So I don't really fit in very well. Doesn't help that I'm super shy and quiet.. And a lot of people in the orchestra don't speak very much english, so there's always conversations in Korean going on around me. And sometimes our conductor makes some joke or something in korean and everybody gets it but me.. I don't know, i've never really fit in. But I love playing in the orchestra! And the people I'm friends with, we have a lot of fun, so it's okay :) I still always feel a little awkward though.

Anyways. Time for me to go read :) Tomorrow will be a day of studying!!! oh joy. i can't wait. hoping i'll have the energy for it.. and hope i'm not as extremely depressed tomorrow as i was today.. but i wouldn't count on it, i'm like that most of the time now anyways :/ but as long as I'm able to keep up my intake, follow my meal plan so i can avoid having a heart attack.. well that's the important thing right now! even if a lot of the time just having a heart attack and getting it done with sounds kind of convenient.. okay I sound so messed up right now??? I think i'm going to stop talking about this and just go read... heheh, good plan?! :)

Good night x

I don't want to eat.

I really don't want to eat my lunch.. i'm so full already????? Trying to think of it as fuel, stuff my body needs. But it's hard to convince yourself that you need fuel when you're already full and you've been pretty much eating nonstop for a couple weeks. umm.

Going to put on a series and distract myself while i'm eating. Not think about it, just push it all in, do what I need to get healthy. :/

Relax time :)

I think everybody needs time to just relax. (I definitely do!) Do nice things you have the energy for, not stress out about anything.

My day has been pretty nice, I sat around reading and playing piano this morning before a nice 45 minute shower (aahhh i'm killing the environment.. but it was really nice!!) And then I spent some time on tumblr and watched a couple series while having my snack, yogurt and granola. My dad came in as I was finishing and we started to work on a puzzle. It's really hard :o so we'll be working on that throughout the day, I'm taking a break now and eating lunch. And i'm going to either read more or watch series.. I think I'll watch series, it's hard holding a book and eating at the same time :) But then I'll read more later.

Tonight I have orchestra rehearsal.. should be fun :)

Lunch: wrap and fruit

Puzzle time!

Sweatshirt+leggings kind of day :)

Hope you're having a good day.!

I think I had something else to say.. but I just forgot.. oh well! i'll remember later if it was important :)

Just got up and I already have a funny story! :)

Hello :)

This morning I woke up at 7:30... what?? I can't wake up early on days when I have school. But then now it's break and I do.? okay... And plus last night I went to bed later than I have all week. And then got up earliest? Oh and something really creepy happened this morning. I probably don't really need to say this here haha but i'm going to anyways! :) So when I'm sleeping, I often lose circulation to my hands because it's already poorly circulated and then usually it's hard to find a comfortable position that they don't get less circulation in.. actually kind of a problem (and definitely not good, I usually wake up with at least one hand without feeling.) So this morning when I woke up, I guess my arm was under my pillow or something and my hand was sticking out under the pillow next to my head I guess. And I lifted up my head from the pillow to look at my clock,  and looked down and there was this hand sticking out. and I was like WTFFFF. And I had completely lost feeling in that hand, so I hit it with my other hand (i didn't realize it was my own hand haha) and I was like WHAT WHOSE HAND IS THIS WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON. Out loud actually.. :) And I didn't feel when I hit it, because it had lost feeling. And then I pulled it out from the pillow, and it was attatched to my arm, and then when it was upright then feeling started coming back, I got back circulation. But I got so freaked out, I seriously thought it was somebody else's hand or something.. LOL. There's my funny story for the morning :)

And then I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, my face had all these red spots, looked horrible.. the joys of being a teenager?? Well anyways, I'm going to go take a shower after I'm done with this post. After that interesting morning.. my dad came in my room and then I was in kind of a bad mood. Like, don't look at me my face looks horrid right now. And then he was asking me what I wanted to do today, and I got all stressed out. I don't really want to do anything today, I've had such a busy week a day at home relaxing sounds really nice.. So I kind of yelled at him and then I felt really bad. I was also really nervous about today because i'm scared he's going to be telling me to eat and supervising me and all.. I don't want that :/ I can do it by myself! (or somewhat at least.. but I mean, I don't have to have someone watching every bite. If I was home alone by myself, I probably wouldn't eat. But as long as there's someone there holding me accountable for it, well I'll eat, but I don't need super strict supervision!) So I'm hoping today goes well. We're probably going to do a puzzle or something, he's okay with not going out today. Understands that I had a busy week. I'm just hoping I don't go crazy with him around today.. haha, he can be kind of annoying sometimes? i'm so mean and anti-social.. :) But I think it's going to be a nice day. He'll give me space when I need space.  And I'm hoping to finish up my studying and schoolwork so that I can have a nice stress-free weekend, no plans except seeing my friend on sunday :)

And I had breakfast with my mum a little after I got up- whole wheat toast with nutella, banana, and juice (yay juice instead of milk!!! She finally got it into her head after me saying a billion times, milk makes my stomach hurt in the mornings, could I please try juice? So that was nice.. and not as much stomachache now, or at least not a milk-related stomachache!). Posts are coming today, haha! There's questions for me to answer, and I need to write about yesterday also.

Time to go have a shower, freshen up (I'm thinking I'll paint my toenails, haven't done it in a while!) and relax :) Get some me-time, which I realized the past week. I am in DESPERATE need of!! :)

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Those times when things just go wrong.


You know when things are going well, you're having an okay day.

And then something happens, and everything goes wrong.

Then you're so frustrated and mad and annoyed.. you just feel like hitting something, or yelling? Because things were going well?


Mergh, hope things work out.

More later x

Busy day

Hello there! :)

Today is a pretty full day. About to leave for my bone density scan, and after that we're going straight up to my flute performances. meals are going to be kind of weird today.. already had breakfast (granola, strawberries, milk) and snack (nutrigrain bar, cheese, vitamin water), then the rest of my meals will be mostly in the car since we'll be doing a lot of driving..

Well this morning I got up pretty early, 8ish. I stayed in my room, read a bit. And my grandma had gotten up earlier and had her meat already, so all that was over with, no more meat frying in our house!!! you have no idea how happy I am about that. Then we went to the new town library to show her, and I got 3 books i've been wanting to read. Speak and Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson, and It's Kind Of A Funny Story by Ned Vizzini. All books I've been wanting to read for a long while. (also all extremely depressing books about characters that have the same problems as me?? umm.) And I also have The Girl Who Played With Fire to read... lots of reading! :)

I actually have a lot to say about It's Kind Of A Funny Story.. Maybe I'll write a post in the car since that's where i'll be most of the day :) hihi!

Had enough to distract me with so far not to feel horrible today.. going to try to keep it that way! Not looking inside myself at all, just keeping the focus outside- keeping busy, reading, studying, doing all these things I have to do today. It's not a good long-term method I know, ignoring all my problems like this. but for short periods of time, well it gets me through the day pretty well! :)

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Waiting for Sunday to come.

My day has been pretty long. I'm just waiting for sunday, when E's coming over. I'm really looking forward to talking in person, getting some of the things we've been having conflicts over straightened out. And getting a chance to talk to him about how I'm feeling. He understands me when I talk, in ways that telling a therapist or counsellor can't. I mean, they have crazy people like me coming in and saying that stuff all the time. And yes they do care about me, but it's just different. Like I'm another case coming in their office. But with E, he's my best friend, we understand each other and love each other so much.

Got up this morning, breakfast=whole wheat toast with nutella, banana, cup milk, calcium supplement. I posted earlier this morning.. I was not feeling good at all. Ended up throwing on jeans and a big grey sweater. Oh, and also. I was really tired of having my grandma here today. I mean, not of her, I love her. But just of having someone else in the house.. I guess I've realized in the past three days, I really need alone time. The first day of her here, it was me getting used to having someone else in the house, adjusting to different scenario and different person than usual. Having to share my bathroom and whatnot, someone else in the house using my kitchen and all. Second day was nice, I had gotten used to having her here and it was fun to be together. But today, I had enough of other people in the house. Not having the house to myself (or being alone at all) for a few days. And it was pretty bad yesterday bothering me, but today it was bothering me a ton, she has to eat a lot of meat because of special dietary requirements and whatnot. So this morning she cooked up a bunch of meat stuff, whatever it is i don't know what it's called, and it was making me seriously sick, I could barely manage going in the kitchen to fix up my breakfast. And then we ate together at the table, it was making me so sick with all the meat she had, it was really hard to eat my breakfast. All this meat around.. usch. At every meal. Always meat in our kitchen.. and smelling like meat too. The smell stays so long. She's leaving tomorrow afternoon, I'm really happy she came down to visit and it was really nice, but I'm ready for the visit to be over. I feel so bad saying that, but it's the truth. One more meat-filled morning to get through.. I can make it :)

Then after breakfast, got dressed (really didn't want to do anything, wanted to curl up in bed and hide from the world for a day.) and headed out to the bookstore. Spent a lot of time in there, I found a ton of books that I wanted to read- all depressing books about people with various mental problems. Umm? The books I found that I wanted were Wintergirls, Speak, and It's Kind Of a Funny Story. I found the book that I needed to get for english class, The Woman Warrior by Maxine Hong Kingston. And then we went to a used bookstore where books are mostly only $1. I got The Girl Who Played With Fire for $4, I'm in the middle of reading it right now but I have a library copy and I'm doing an english report on it so it's better having my own copy (to mark in and such). I also wanted The Curious Case of the Dog in the Night, Eat Pray Love, and The Lovely Bones. But I only had $4 left with me so I could only get the book I needed. I'll get all the rest at the library soon :)

Then home, lunch, and worked on homework. Mum came and picked us up to go to the nutritionist appointment, which I was really excited for. I love my nutritionist so much, without her I wouldn't be nearly so good about doing everything right. I feel so motivated after talking with her. And I want to make her proud. She was really proud of me today. She's just such an awesome person, so much fun to talk to. One of those people that has so much good energy, full of life. I want to do well for her. So that appointment left me feeling really good. And also it made me think a lot more about my therapist, and that I really don't think she's the right fit. I should be surrounded by and helped by people that give me energy and motivate me, like my nutritionist and Darin who also motivates me a lot and I feel really good about things after talking with her. I don't know, I'm going to talk to mum about my concerns tomorrow, but I do want to meet her a few more times and see if I still think this way. Because I have only met her once, my mind might just be blowing everything out of proportion.

And also, this is for the subject of it's own post which will probably be coming soon, but I don't really see how a therapist can help me. Only seeing them once a week for 50 minutes. Talking things out. I don't really see how talking can help either? Okay, this is for another post also. But when I was talking with my best friend, I was asking how he's doing, if he's gotten rid of the depression. And he said that yes, he's gotten away from depression, yes he does have relapses sometimes and those suck but he is able to bounce back and has methods to do so. I was asking him, what's it like to be not depressed? Because I can't even imagine it at all. I asked if he's just generally happy, like he wakes up in the morning and is going through the day, and feels good. And he said that it's exactly like that, you wake up and everything's good. I don't believe him at all. I don't see how that's possible. I kept asking him more, like you just go through the day and feel good? And he said that yea, that's what it's like. And things will happen during the day sometimes that make you sad or something, but you get back from it. And I asked, what it's like when there's not something good happening, but nothing bad. How it feels. Like if it's neutral feeling or what it's like in those times. And he said that's the best time of day, it's the time where he can be who he is and that he's happy. I was seriously laughing out loud at this point, I don't imagine at all how that is even possible. I don't believe him. I don't think that's how it is. But I said that if it is true, if that's how things are. Well at the moment I have absolutely no expectation of getting better, my standard is absolute zero. So if I get to there, well I'm telling you I'm going to be the happiest person on the planet :)  But I still believe it's impossible.

Sorry for this long and probably boring post? Just a little left I promise :) I'm surprised if anyone's even gotten this far, who wants to read all my rambling????

After the appointment grandma and I had to wait in the car in the parking lot while mum had about 45 minutes of work to finish up. I worked on homework (loads of japanese to do.. oh my goodness my teacher assigned so much.) And drew some when it was done.

^^lol, my japanese homework!! :) had to draw pictures and then write sentences using 10 prepositions to describe the location of everything in relation to each other..

And then I started sketching a bit! :) I guess they started out as drawings of others, like the first one started just as a girl I saw across the parking lot leaning on the wall and playing on her phone. But then it turned more into me, and then both of them I guess are kind of how I would look if you could see inside me. The second one was more intentionally like that. But I've learned the past couple weeks, I really love art/drawing, it helps get feelings out a lot. Going to always keep a little sketchbook with me now :)

Then it was home. dinner. blogging. made brownies, had a small brownie and some strawberries for night snack. more blogging. and here I am :)

Well congrats if you made it that far!! :) haha. 

Tomorrow is to the bone density test.. not sure what it will be like, really nervous?? and after that it's my flute recital. I'm not playing a solo in it because of everything going on, I think I explained about that earlier (really sad :/) but i'll be playing quartet. And it's going to be really nice seeing all my friends in the studio, we don't see each other much but we're all really close!! :) although not looking forward to all the questions.. why didn't you solo? Need to think of how to respond to everyone. So tomorrow should be good I hope :)

Hope you're all well, good night (or good morning depending on where you live!)

Many updates to be done...

Lots of updates.. I haven't had the energy to really blog much the past couple days... sorry :/  Things have been kinda rough if you can tell.

Let's see.. well starting with Monday night:

Went out to dinner with the family (me, mum, dad, grandma, grandpa, aunt.) for my dad's birthday. The place was a kind of general american-food sports bar type restaurant called BJ's. When we got there, my aunt gave me this money wallet kind of thing that she said my great-grandmother told her to give to me when I was old enough, it was something she got while she was in Italy a long time ago. So that's really cool actually, pictures are at the end of the post. We were squeezed into this booth that was a little small for the 7 of us. I was in the middle. Right from the beginning, it was panic attack. panic attack. panic attack. I am extremely claustrophobic. So squeezed into that small space, no way out, limited room to move. People on all sides. Table with tons of stuff on it. Busy, kind of dark, and somewhat loud room (since it is a sports bar, and there was a game on). It was absolutely horrible. I tried to ask mum if I could switch places with her since she was on the end of the booth, but I couldn't get her attention and it would be too much trouble because everybody would have to get up, and kind of weird too. And then when we all ordered (I got chicken fettucini alfredo, which we had chosen before we came- I always do that with restaurants), everybody around me ordered meat. Aunt next to me ordered steak salad, grandma on the other side ordered pork chops, and dad next to grandma ordered ribs (the absolute worst). I can't stand meat at all, I can't even be around it. So I was already trapped and having panic attacks because I was closed in, and then I was surrounded by meat- my only way out of the booth was now blocked by ribs. And I could smell the meat, even if I closed my eyes or focused on other things across the room to calm myself down, I would try to take deep breaths to calm myself but couldn't because of the meat smell. I could hardly make it through the dinner, I was practically crying. Horrible horrible experience. I think that was the worst dinner out i've ever gone through.


Yesterday was appointment day. Well first off, the night before I was skyping with one of my friends that I haven't seen in a long time. We decided to meet the next day from 11-12. She's like my friend that I can be a normal teenager with (pretty nice?). She doesn't know about any of my problems, we never hang out in school (she's a year younger and in a completely different group). We hang out and do normal teenager things.. talk about normal teenager things.. it's nice to have a friend like that. So we made plans to meet. In the morning I asked my mum about the plan, and the first thing she thought was no, you have to eat your meals. But then I was really upset, saying, I should be able to go and spend an hour with my friend. And she agreed. So we rearranged my whole meal plan for the day to accommodate going to her house, I ended up taking a sandwich there with me and had that and my vitamin water for lunch when I was with her. It was nice being there for a bit, pretending everything was normal. Talking about all her boy problems, friend problems, all that.. Then mum picked me up, we went to the doctor. Things had improved. No hospitalization for now. Then mum had some work to do, she left me and my grandma off at this shopping centre where we went to The Container Store (love love love, it's so organized!). We spent about an hour there and then the last half hour before getting picked up we sat outside at a table in the sun, I didn't have anything for snack so I bought a Kern's apricot juice at a nearby kiosk- not quite enough for a snack, mum was going to try to pick something up for me on the way to get us but she didn't have time. Then we were to the therapist for our first appointment with her.

When we got there we filled out these questionnaire things. I guess I'm used to them by now. And then we went into her office, started talking with her about everything. And then for the last 15 minutes or so mum left the room for me to talk with her alone. I don't really remember what all we talked about. Just pretty much everything going on, how i'm feeling, that i'm completely hopeless that I'll ever not be depressed. She seems to think she can fix me or make me better or whatever. I don't believe her. I'm not really sure if I like her much. I don't really think she's the 'right fit' as she put it. It does take me a few times of talking to somebody to get used to them and comfortable with them though. So I'm going to keep going for the next few weeks (appointments every Tuesday) and see if I like her any more. Every day it's been mulling in my mind I like her less and more think she's not a good fit, i'm not comfortable with her. But I have only met her once, I'll try again and see how it goes. But there's definitely absolutely no doubt at all that I like Darin far better than her.

That night after I got home, I was texting with my best friend (E), and we kind of got in a little conflict. And I ended up stopping responding to him, I threw (well more of tossed) my mobile across the room and didn't look at it for a couple hours. And soon after I stopped responding I got a call from my other friend, S (that I recently told about my problems). But I missed the call (since I wasn't looking at my phone), and didn't realize it was from her (the number wasn't in my address book) and then she chatted me on gmail asking if everything was okay. I said yes, and asked if E had talked to her. Which he had. So I assured her that everything was fine. And then after dinner I texted E back and apologized for scaring him (I came back to about 20 texts from him getting progressively more and more worried). He told me that he'd never been more worried in his life, that he'd legitimately thought I'd gone and committed suicide. (The most worried I've ever been in my life was the day that I thought he was going to do the same, sometime in November I think. Just thought I'd mention that.) So then we had a really long conversation about everything, and how i'm doing, all that. But it got to the point where I said, I don't want to be talking about all this over texts, it's things that should be said in person. Because really, important things like that need to be talked over in person. So he's coming to my house on Sunday at 11, i'm looking forward to being able to talk to him. With me not able to walk anymore, we've barely seen each other (because I can't walk to meet him on weekends or do anything.) And also now that he has a girlfriend.. usch, I'm not even getting into any of that in this post, it's too complicated and I don't like thinking about it. Now that he's spending all his time with her. I'm so scared he doesn't have time or doesn't want to be friends with me anymore. Now that he's happy, he's gotten rid of his depression and all that, and then here's me. But he's still always here for me. That's kind of what we got in a conflict over last night, he seems a little irritated or like he doesn't want to be bothered with hearing about my problems anymore. And I told him, if you don't want to be friends with me, if you want me to stop talking to you, just tell me. He said it's just because it's break, he's happy, etc. But I said, no, it's been like this for the past few weeks, not just today (like remember the horrible day when I missed all the buses and had that bad conversation with him?). Anyways, not getting into all this, it's too complicated for this overview-post of the past few days. (which has gotten quite long already..)

Well I think that's all for the overview. I'll do a post on today now :) And maybe catch up on this blog-challenge???

Photos from the past few days:

At the doctor's

At the container store:
LOL! I want these!!!

Really cool!

Me again :)

^^awww. (they're like toy bins or something) I want!

Sitting in the sun

^^haha. my shoulder and the parking structure.. just because. 

nice and sunny~

^^in the car on the way to the therapist

One of my snacks at some point! No idea when though ! :)

The wallet from my great-grandmother: