I keep wondering- why do I even have to stay alive? What's the point if I'm completely miserable all the time? It's not like I'm doing anything important by being alive. If anything I'm just a burden. So why can't I go disappear?
The rest of my day wasn't really any better than the first part. I got home and relaxed for a while, watched the movie Mr. Popper's Penguins with my dad. Kinda funny, but I wasn't really in a good mood anyway so it was just pretty much something to do to take my mind off stuff. After that I watched some series and managed to get a bit of food into me, and then I took a pretty long nap because I didn't have energy for anything else and couldn't stand being alive anymore. I think I was asleep for an hour and a half or two hours. Mum finally got home and then she and I went to Whole Foods to get dinner, here's a picture of my box (sorry for bad quality, it's from my mobile- most photos I post on my blog are):
It was originally mostly salad and fruit and tofu with a bit of rice+quinoa, mum made me take some macaroni also. She was making me get more macaroni than the small scoop I had, but instead I added more grains (the one on the top left- I forget what it was called though?) It was pretty good. I really like whole foods, their food is really natural and healthy and tastes great.
And now I've just been sitting at home miserable and trying to bring myself to do some work. I'm really stressed about tomorrow, I have a debate in english and a big maths test (it's going to be really hard and I didn't have enough energy to study as much as I should have). And I also have to turn in some make up work from classes I missed today... usch.
Hoping things go well tomorrow and I don't have another freakout or something. :/ I'm pretty sure I will be talking to my counsellor though. I don't know if it will really help at all, but I guess it's worth a try. I mean, I used to be really motivated in my academics, it was kind of like the only thing I had left, and I would drown myself in work to avoid having to think about everything else. But now I don't even have the energy or motivation for that anymore, and I'm really worried? All of a sudden it's like all that's not really important, I've even been not doing some assignments or turning things in late?? That's completely unlike me, I never do anything like that.. what's wrong with me?
Why did all these problems have to start in the first place anyways? Why did all these bad things happen to me? What did I do wrong?