Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Tired of fighting

I had one of those days when I was just kind of- tired of fighting. Completely exhausted. Wondering, why do I even have to keep going. 


My day started out pretty well. I woke up a little late, but I was able to make it to class in time (but no breakfast, as usual). My first class was Japanese, which is usually terribly boring but was pretty fun today. We enter this online song contest every year, and my class recorded the song today with me playing piano and my friend playing drumset. I ended up just sitting at the piano and playing for an hour after all our recording was done, which was a really nice start to my day :) Then for the last half hour of class, I gave a tour of my school to two Japanese students who were visiting. That was really fun, because they didn't speak any english really but I was able to talk to them in japanese (and they understood!! heheh). It's a big difference between when you're speaking a foreign language in a class, and when you're actually applying it in real situations. In class, it's more like you're just memorizing vocabulary, but then when you're actually using the language with people who are thinking in it, the words take on actual meaning- like they're representing objects and ideas, not just other words. And it kind of made me realize both, "wow I know a lot!" and also "gosh, there's so much I don't know how to say." At one point we walked past the principal of the school, and I was trying to say who he was, but I didn't know how to say 'principal'. I ended up saying things like '大きい先生' (big teacher) and '一ばん先生' (number 1 teacher) hahaha! I'm not sure if they got my point??

Anyways, back on topic :) Next class was psychology, when we did absolutely nothing as usual. I spent the period working on a chemistry lab I had to finish for last period. Then I met my friends at the art room, which is where we eat lunch. I couldn't bring myself to eat lunch today, but finally I ended up having a tiny bit of a granola bar towards the end of our lunch time. Last class was chemistry, which I was completely exhausted for. I was too tired by this point to really be bothered with working. We did this online lesson thing on laptops with partners, and my friend and I went through the lesson as fast as we could so that we could just relax for the rest of class (not having the energy to do more work). We wished we could just leave class when we finished, but I suppose school just doesn't really work like that :/ haha.

After class, I walked downtown with two of my friends, and we went to a really yummy restaurant that mainly has Crepes, but also has other sandwiches, soups, etc. And they had French Onion soup today, which is one of my favourites! I decided that I would get it, and it was okay because I didn't have any lunch. It ended up being really good, I'm glad I had it even if I got anxiety over it. My friend had a chicken pesto sandwich, and then he thought my soup looked really good and got one for himself as well! We also shared a nutella crepe among the three of us. It was really fun, I like going to eat with my friends afterschool. It's kind of relaxing, lessens my anxiety about eating and it's a fun way to wind down and get ready for a long night of studying!

^^ French Onion Soup! ^^

^^ Yummy Nutella Crepe :) and my friend's soup. ^^

^^ The crepe restaurant- one of my favourite restaurants in our town! Not so good picture though??^^

It's also nice and rainy here- we're actually having quite a big rainstorm at the moment! I love the rain :) 

When I got home, there were lots of bad thoughts coming back, and they're still here. Thoughts about restricting, about killing myself, all of that. I almost asked to talk to my counsellor at school during psychology (since we don't do anything in that class anyways) but I didn't end up doing it. Maybe I'll talk to her tomorrow. 

But I guess the most I can do is just, keep on smiling and go on? I mean, there's nothing that can really be done.. It's just how it is, bad thoughts, depression. Sometimes I wonder, how is everybody not like this? What is it even like to think "normally"? Maybe I don't actually have anything wrong with me, this is just how life is? I really don't even know. I might talk to my counsellor. I might talk to my mum and ask her if I should go in to the counsellor.. We'll see what happens. 

We also have an appointment set up for the eating disorder clinic (centre? practice? hospital? I really don't know what to call it..). It's going to be on April 19. I'm mostly just worried about it.. not so much looking forward to it as much as before. And this is such a bad thought, but I hope I can lose weight before I go there. I don't want to look fat compared to all the skinny girls that will be there. I don't want them to take one look at me and say, sorry you're in the wrong place. :/ But I can definitely say I'm really nervous to go. Any advice for me? What I should do about going there? What it was like your first time going to an eating clinic? (if anybody even reads my blog yet haha). 

The rest of my night will be spent working on maths if I have the energy, and doing a lot of piano playing. But i'm not sure if I even have energy for that right now, I'm pretty exhausted. I'm just going to take things as they come, see what gets done. Trying to distract myself from all the bad thoughts. 

And I'm also going to add some photos to the "my story" page (link at the top of my blog). I'll end up adding more later, but just to put a few up for now :)

Hope you are doing well! :) 

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