Monday, March 26, 2012

Eating Disorder Clinic

I was referred by my school counsellor to an eating disorder clinic in our area. My mum called their office today to see about setting up an appointment, but they're really busy and don't have time to see me until April 19 (unless somebody cancels and there's an opening). When I go there they're going to do like this general health check (I'm going to have blood drawn- i'm terrified of needles???) and I'm going to talk to the head counsellor person or something, and we'll figure out from there what to do next after they assess me I guess. Anyways, I read through their website and they look pretty good from what I can tell..?

This might sound weird, but in a way I'm kind of looking forward to going to a clinic. I've been trying to fight ana by myself for so long, both successfully and unsuccessfully. I know I'm still going to have to work hard to get better. But it seems like i'll have so much more support now, people that will help me along the way and tell me how to get better? I'm not really sure what it will be like. 

At the same time, I'm really scared to go there. This sounds like a really sick thought, but I'm afraid that I'm not "anorexic enough" to go. That they'll look at me and say, you're fat, you don't need to be here. Especially since I've gotten pretty far on my own, I'm able to eat a normal amount (or..? maybe not normal.. i'm not really sure if it's normal actually). They'll tell me, you can eat normal amounts by yourself, you don't need us. Or an even worse fear.. they'll tell me I need to gain weight?? Because I really don't need to gain any weight, I'm at a normal weight right now. Maybe a little low compared to many people, but I've always just been on the lighter side of my class I guess? But if they tell me I need to gain weight... well, I honestly have no intention of doing it. And that may be ana speaking, but I can truly say, I don't need to gain anything. 

And this is the worst thought I've been having about going there: I need to lose weight before I go there. There will be other anorexics there, I'll be huge next to them. I have an eating disorder, so I need to look like I have an eating disorder so that they'll believe me. That all my inside thoughts are actually real. I've been restricting again now that I'm going to be going to the clinic, I want to lose weight before I go there.. I know, it's such bad thoughts? But that's what's going through my mind.

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