Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Bad thoughts are back once more.

As the title says.. I'm giving in to ana again. Going back to my old habits and routines. Letting the eating disorder side of my brain gain control. Dinner (chicken with rice and string beans) and a small yogurt were all I had today. And even those were hard to eat. I couldn't bring myself to eat breakfast or lunch or any snacks, meals I could eat without too much difficulty just a week ago.

And the scariest thing is that I know these thoughts are bad, but at the same time I don't think there's anything wrong with me. It's hard to explain. Like I know that there really is something wrong, but the stronger ana side says, 'no, you're being perfectly normal.' I was thinking as I was going home, well, it's normal not to eat anything until dinner right? It's totally normal in my mind. But I guess that's not normal to most people.

Well, things have definitely taken a turn for the worse I guess. Maybe by the time I get put in recovery (or whatever it will be), I will actually need it after all. And maybe by the time I get there, I won't even want it anymore. Because right now, all I want to do is stop eating and just fade away. 




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